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Day 2 (300)

Lunch:
Fruit salad (banana, apple, raspberry, pear) - 150ish (but free)
Rice cake - 50

So I've technically got 250 calories left for today. I'm taking a bag of popcorn and a Luna bar to work just in case I need a dinner. I'm thinking about taking the rest of my fruit salad, but honestly I think I've had enough sugar for one day, even if it is natural sugar. I'm actually feeling kind of nauseated. I think this particular diet pill is not good for me.

Hope to stay strong today. I also hope I've lost at least a tiny bit of weight. I've been pretty stagnant (which is my own fault from that unhealthy weekend) and want to see SOME progress.

Well, I accidentally puked up some of my lunch. I can't take SlimQuick anymore, apparently. Ugh, my tummy :(

planning

It's Easter, or so I'm told. Easter has not been a holiday for me for more than a decade. And, reading other people's blogs, boy am I grateful. I couldn't handle being with family and forced to eat all that holiday food.

I work tonight ... and I assume there will be tons of food in the break room. I was thinking about not eating till I get to work, that way, if there is something that tempts me, I can at least have a little bit without going over my 300 calories. But god, I only woke up 45 minutes ago and already my stomach is screaming and turning. I need that fruit salad RIGHT NOW.

whale

I felt like a fat fucking whale all night at work. I did at least stay at my intended calorie intake despite temptations of cookies, Easter candy and ice cream bars. I checked my weight three times in that 10 hours - 146.7, 146.9, 147. Whatever, we'll say I didn't lose any weight since yesterday.

I'm actually glad tomorrow's just 300. Maybe I'll feel less disgusting.

clean slate

It's a good day. Cleaned my kitchen, went to the co-op for a bunch of organic fruits, had a good lunch and looking forward to a decent dinner at work. This is day 1 (again) of Skinny Girl. I gotta say, I love that Skinny Girl allows me to eat fruits as much as I want. Of course, on my calorie counter I'm still keeping track of those calories.

Day 1 (400)

Breakfast:
None

Lunch:
Fruit salad - banana, apple, kiwi, raspberry (120ish)
Garden burger (110)
Half sandwich thin (50)
Sweet and spicy mustard (10)

Dinner:
Smart Ones Canadian turkey bacon breakfast sandwich (210)

So, not counting the fruit, I'm slightly below my allotment (380). With the fruit, about 500. I'm feeling really good about it. Although I'm also feeling like my gut is sticking out more than usual because of that big lunch. Seriously, it feels like I just gorged. Maybe I'll try not to eat my entire dinner later, and hopefully work keeps me moving tonight.

unintentional fast

I realized that if I make that terrible sandwich my only food today, after work and sleep ... I will end up having a 24-hour fast (have to have a diet soda in there though). I had the sandwich about 1:30 p.m. and will probably wake up around that time tomorrow. I'm not taking any food to work with me. I fucking ate that sandwich almost five hours ago and I still feel disgusting. And I knew I would, but I did it anyway.

I'm taking back control.

revving up

Well, I've been terrible the past few days. Not as bad as it COULD be, but let's not rationalize.

My friend completely flaked out on the concert we were supposed to go to on Tuesday, so I'm just saying fuck it. I'm not going out of town by myself again. So instead, I've switched my work schedule back around so starting today I'm on a six-day stretch. It is exhausting in that long run (especially since I work 10-hour shifts), HOWEVER, workdays are the easiest to restrict, and this will give me a strong, six-day head start. Tomorrow I shall officially begin Skinny Girl. I already blew it today with a big sandwich. My gut feels fucking huge right now. I must've gained at least 2 pounds in the past few days. Gross.

And for the record, my parents' scale was entirely wrong. I was never even close to 141 or whatever. When I got back from my vacation and onto my go-to work scale, I was at 145-ish, which is exactly where I thought I was. I've probably ballooned to 147-148 just since weighing myself on Wednesday. If it's more than that, I might fucking kill myself.

I really hope that Skinny Girl can get me close to 140 within a couple of weeks.

too much

Well, my parents took me out to lunch today (I know, I know) and I ordered a grilled chicken-mozzarella-bacon sandwich on french bread. I only ate 1/4 of the bread (I claimed the bread was hard, dry and thick. I peeled off more than half of the cheese because it was just wayyyy too much. It was disgusting. So basically, I ate the chicken and bacon, a little bread and a little cheese. I also ate about five steak fries. Diet soda. I did some calculations and I'm gonna say this "sandwich" was about 635 (and I erred on the side of MORE calories than it might have been).

Just now my dad went and got us all Dairy Queen Blizzards (I know, I know) and I quickly looked up the stats and got Butterfinger (470) rather than Reese's (579). It's still a disaster, but I've set it aside while typing this and letting it melt will help me to not eat the whole thing.

All told, we're at about 1100 calories (maybe). That's the highest I've eaten in a very very long time. Lunch did not sit well with me and gave me diarrhea (which might be a good thing) ... I don't ever eat out when I'm on my own, so that kind of diner-style food just kills my stomach.

I bought a new pair of jeans in a size 10 (damnit I thought I'd be 8 by now) and they look great on me. Normally I wear such baggy pants (size 14, they practically fall off me now) and had no idea how good my butt is looking. Hah :) I also got a new pair of work slacks because mine were starting to look ridiculously big.

I weighed myself on my parents' scale first thing in the morning (with hoodie and jeans still) ... 142.5. There's no way that number is accurate, but hey, I do know I'm still losing weight. Today is awful, but I'm taking a trip to Sacramento for a show and probably won't eat anything. Maybe a few cocktails and low-cal Red Bulls, but that's it. Hopefully that will make up for today.

Edit: I am throwing away about 1/4 of my Blizzard. I'm going to say that saved me 80 calories (maybe more but I'm trying to punish myself with these numbers), leaving me with ~1024 calories.

famous last words

OK, so I just found out My Chemical Romance broke up. I know, it's so predictably emo for me to like them. Whatever. I am very upset. So add 100 calories for a Skinny Cow fudge ice cream bar.

Total: 750


I know I am terrible about sweets.

first notice

Walk in the door at my parents' house ... Mom says, "Hi! Have you lost weight?" Me: "I wish!" Dad walks up and says, "You do look skinny!" I keep saying that they ALWAYS say these things because I wear my comfortable baggy jeans on the drive. They were baggy even before I started losing weight. But my dad said, "No, it's not just that. Your face looks thinner." I shrug and say I have no idea what I weigh; I haven't checked.

We go to Red Robin, I have my grilled chicken salad with only one bite of the toast that came with it (675) and a diet soda (which totally weirded my dad out), and when we get home my dad says, "Go weigh yourself!"

I'm wearing my hoodie and jeans (and it's after I ate a meal) and their scale tells me 145.8. I'm like, "Oh, I guess I have lost some weight." I don't trust that scale, obviously, because it's not the one I've been using every day at work. But still, it was nice to see that number considering the last time I was home I weighed I think somewhere around 160. My parents kept talking about how thin I look.

Wow. I can't tell you how good that feels. Seriously. When you haven't seen someone for about five weeks and they're like DAMN! ... you know you're doing something right. I kept telling them it was only because I cut out sugary sodas and treats ... yeah, they don't need to know. They have no clue that the salad I ate for dinner (which I didn't even finish) was 650 calories. They have no clue that that's the only intake I've had all day except for the Red Bull I had for the drive down (10).

Fifteen seems like this really low number, but when it comes to weight ... that's a pretty big loss. That is definitely noticeable.

I feel fucking great right now. I'm so proud of myself. Here's to another strong day!

taking care

Today ended up being a weird day. It was crazy busy the first half of the day, and all throughout I was feeling lightheaded and shaky and felt like the walls were closing in on me and like my body was shrinking in my chair. Not to mention the gnarly headache (and I verrrry rarely get headaches). I thought I just needed to eat my lunch (280-calorie pizza), but I still felt weird ... like my limbs were separate from my body. I felt like I was gliding when I was walking. I knew it wasn't from lack of food; I can tell the difference. Plus, I've been eating around 600-700 calories a day, which is plenty to keep me going. Suddenly I realized that I had forgotten to take my daytime crazy medication. I have never missed a dose before. Once I realized that, I started freaking out, major anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe. I told my co-worker I had to run home and get the medication. The drive was terrifying. My vision was scary sharp, as if I had just gotten a new prescription in my glasses. I felt like I might swerve if I drove over 25. Made it to my apartment, downed the meds and took a Xanax to get me by till the meds settled in. Got back to work and within an hour I felt like a million times better. But in that hour I decided I needed to treat myself and relax with a Twix. I know, I know. Pathetic. With that bar, I ended up at 530 calories for the day. Unnnnnfortunately I also grabbed a small cup of chocolate ice cream from the freezer at work. I don't know what the calories are in that, whatever. It was good for my soul. Plus, I weighed in at 147.3, which is super close to my lowest weight during ABC. I know I shouldn't "reward" myself by packing in extra calories, but oh well. It helped feed my soul more than anything. As you can probably tell, sweets are totally my biggest weakness. I'm gonna stay away from them when I go to my parents' house this weekend, though.

Speaking of, I know they're taking me out to Red Robin tomorrow. My go-to meal there is usually the crispy chicken tender salad, but when I went to the website to check the calories ... fucking 1300. But the website has a cool customizing option, so I fiddled around with that and found that if I substitute the crispy chicken for grilled, use balsamic dressing (which is what I prefer anyway) and stay away from the garlic bread that comes with it, the whole salad is only 636 calories. And I usually can only eat half of it ... although that's because of the fatty fried chicken and the bread ... but even if I ate the whole thing, I'm still staying in my range of 600-700 for the day. I'm pretty good at making the drive home without eating. I always starve myself before I have dinner with my parents. There's a lot of fat even in my low-cal version, but also a lot of protein, which I am seriously lacking lately. So I'm going to enjoy my meal tomorrow and it shouldn't weird my parents out too much that I'm only really switching the chicken on my meal. I'll still be eating plenty in front of them.

Saturday might be hard. I don't really know what I'm going to do all day. The weather should be nice so maybe we'll take a nice walk ... my mom can go shopping with me (I need smaller pants, a new belt and new towels and bedding) ... maybe watch a movie ... in the evening, play cards and have a few drinks. I'll try to get my parents to make tacos for dinner to keep the meal somewhat healthy. I usually skip lunch every time I'm there anyway, so yeah. This all sounds pretty nice actually. I could use a relaxing vacation day. Then Sunday I'm mostly on my own; I'm driving to Sacramento for a concert.

All in all, this should be a good weekend.

in the pit of the stomach

Well, I made sure to start my day off on a lovely foot. Re-reading my depressing other blog ... ugh. At least it kept me distracted up till now, when I need to be getting ready for work. No food till just now, and just a couple of grapes at that.

I still have this weird feeling in my stomach. And it feels like "the pit of my stomach" ... whatever that really means. I feel nauseated ... I feel like everything is about to break.

I don't even really know where it's coming from right now. The whole PMS phase has passed (it's usually only two days of shitty feelings for me). Something isn't right ... and not knowing what that something is is making me insane.

sweet jesus

Well, I was fucking terrible at work tonight. A co-worker brought in cookies and brownie bites ... and it's nearly impossible to turn down chocolate when I'm in the middle of my period, cramping and feeling pissy. So I ate two brownie bites and two cookies ... I know, gross.

So all told, my day was like 700 calories. Not the worst ever, but still awful. I swear, sometimes I think I save my calories for the possibility of sweets at some point in my night. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to skip breakfast and just have popcorn at lunch (100) or maybe a frozen meal (280). We'll see. So far this week I haven't been reaching my goals. But I really do think this is a good way to ease myself into Skinny Girl, which I'll be starting in about two weeks. I'm still keeping my intake relatively low. I've kept myself at or below 700 for at least the past six days. And each of those days has been up and down and kind of all over the place calorie-wise. Hopefully that's tricking my body a bit.

When I weighed myself tonight I was down from my first-day-of-my-period bloat plus big sandwich day yesterday. From 149.9 to 148.7. Tomorrow we'll see what kind of damage was done by that pathetic binge. I don't know why I didn't take a "bathroom break" after making that terrible decision. I guess sometimes I forget that that is totally an option. At work it just doesn't come to mind.

Universe grant me control tomorrow!

Man I really wish I had a texting buddy who could yell at me to STOP when these situations come up. I really think that would make a difference for me.

changes

Good morning. I woke up from terrible dreams and my whole body hurt. I'm trying to get out of this recent, awful haze of what feels like very little sleep. Like I said, putting aside the Xanax has really changed my sleep. I feel like shit when I wake up. However, feeling like shit pretty much squashes hunger. Like right now, I am eating a Luna bar and told myself I'd just take small bites to keep it going ... thing is, all I can take is small bites. My whole body feels disgusting and not just in a fat way. Of course, I have to remind myself that I *am* on my period. That's definitely part of it, too.

So I'm nibbling on my Luna bar (190), sipping on a diet soda hoping the caffeine will lessen the haze, and thinking about the rest of the day. I was considering taking a frozen pizza for lunch today, but that would put me close to 500 calories for the day. Yesterday's sandwich was probably in the range of 600-700, so I've got to make up for it today. So instead, I'll take a bag of popcorn (100) and a few grapes for lunch. I might try to avoid the popcorn, but that would be three days in a row of not really eating on my lunch break. I should probably give myself a few calories to keep me going through the workday (although popcorn is not exactly the most substantial "meal").

I meant to get up early enough to go buy a new pair of work pants. The ones I bought a couple of months ago are super baggy and I'm constantly pulling them up. I think they are size 12. It's hard to believe that's how big I was just a few months ago. I mean, they were a bit big on me because I worry about shrinkage, but the point is, I was not confident buying a size 10. Now, I'm guessing I'm a size 8 ... still not where I want to be, but it's not bad for just a couple months' work. And it's totally the lowest I've been in I don't know how long.

Wow. I still haven't finished my bar. I still have like 1/4 of it left. Not bad at all.

pressure

Just got off work. I managed to avoid lunch for the most part. I did have a diet soda and a handful of grapes.  But lord, just entering my apartment, I instantly think, "What can I eat?" I thought about having some shelled peanuts ... those are so fatty (although it's "good" fat) and calorie-heavy ... and messy. I'm proud to say I rejected that idea pretty quickly. Then I thought of my last Luna bar in the cupboard ... but that's like a "meal" for me and I don't need to eat 190 calories before I go to bed. Then I thought about the low-calorie frozen pizzas I have in the fridge, but they are microwave-only and I don't have a microwave. I'm realizing that those were a really smart purchase; I can ONLY have them for lunch at work. I have no way to eat them at home.

And that basically exhausted my options. I have some low-cal deli ham and sandwich thins, but that shit adds up quickly too. Plus, I already had a REAL sandwich today. I'm not really in the mood for a folded piece of bread and a few slices of ham.

The moral of the story is that I grabbed a 50-calorie rice cake. Yeah, yeah, I said I was done for the day ... but considering my stomach was pushing me really hard to give it something, I think my mind put up a damn good fight. No binge here.

I weighed in near the end of my shift (10 hours post-sandwich) and came up at 149.9. That's up 1.4 from yesterday but I'm gonna blame the bloat that came with my period tonight. I need to keep reminding myself that that's a very real weight-altering change ... no need to beat myself up until I see where I actually am when it's over. Of course I'll still be weighing myself at work the next two days, but whatever. I'll try to keep calm about the numbers.

I need to get myself to sleep before my stomach gets any more powerful.

stomach

One other thing to add: The guy I've been smutting around with (we are not in a relationship; basically we run into each other at the bar and have drunken sex occasionally ... have been seeing him a lot more often lately though) is always telling me I'm beautiful. He wants to keep the lights on. He tells me he doesn't know why I'm so weird about my body. He constantly says, "I love your stomach." It's weird though because the way I interpret that is that I have a "cute little belly" or something. My stomach is far from flat. I stay on the bottom to hide that a little better, but things progress and there I am, fat and flabby in front of him. I always feel insecure, no matter how many ways he compliments me. Even if I continue to lose weight, I'm not sure I'll ever lose that feeling. Insecurity doesn't go away just because you lose weight or take medication or whatever. 10 years ago when I was a skinny high-schooler, I was insecure. I mean, I know it's nothing special for a girl to be insecure ... it's fucking rare to find any female who isn't.

Anyway, that's all. I just remembered that whole "stomach" thing and had to share it. He's weird ... and he's super skinny and has amazing muscular arms so I just feel like I'm not worthy to be with him in any way. The only thing that helps me be with him is alcohol. I couldn't do this without it. I'm by no means an alcoholic ... I drink like twice a week ... but that's all I can do to be with him.

OK, gotta get ready for work. Ugh.

stalemate

It's been a weird few days. I succumbed to pizza after getting drunk on Thursday ... ate a small amount of leftovers on Friday ... Saturday I don't really remember what I did. Sunday was St. Patrick's Day and I drank all day but didn't eat anything. Played a lot of ping-pong on Thursday and Sunday. Had a lot of sex Thursday and Friday. Checked my weight at work yesterday and I still managed to lose a few pounds.

Ate only a cupcake and a brownie bite yesterday.

Just ate a Subway sandwich because I woke up feeling weak and shaky. It's kind of nice that those sandwiches are not insanely calorie-heavy but are super filling. Won't be eating anything else today. Not gonna weigh myself till the end of my workday because this sandwich is sitting like a log in my stomach. Should be getting my period any hour now, so I'm certainly bloated as well.

So my weight yesterday was 148.5 ... not bad considering I wasn't exactly disciplined this weekend.

Even though I fell off the wagon for a week or two or whatever that was, I'm already nearing the lowest weight I had during those couple of weeks of ABC back in January. I'm pretty sure my low was 147. I was worried when I started back up that I probably put it all back on, but honestly it turned out to not be so bad. Not really sure how the hell that worked.

I decided to put the Skinny Girl diet off for a couple of weeks because I'll be going home twice. My parents always take me out to dinner and I always eat like shit, but I'm gonna work hard to reign it in. I don't know if it's just the grumpiness of PMS but the past few days I just haven't given a shit about food. I didn't really care today, but like I said, I was feeling physically weak and I do have a 10-hour workday ahead of me. Actually kind of hoping it'll be busy so I'll move around a lot. I work at a desk, but there are lots of spurts of fast walking and this and that.

I think part of the reason I was so shaky when I woke up is because I didn't take any Xanax yesterday. My body is used to at least two per day, but I'm running low so I'm trying to chill out in case there are times I really really need it. I didn't sleep much ... but I couldn't get myself out of bed. I've been feeling really depressed recently and it's not just the PMS. The desire to quit my bipolar meds is getting stronger and stronger every week ... I just don't want to do it anymore. I am dead inside. And I'm convinced that I'm not actually crazy. And if I am, well, that's me. I'm sick of being some ghost of myself.

I just want to torture myself.

walking alone

I still feel a little uncomfortable with this whole "free" fruits and vegetables thing. I just had about a cup of salad and a few grapes and I'm like, "Well, that was a meal." So how is it not? (Maybe because I'm till starving.)

Today's plan ...

Lunch - Mixed baby greens/spinach salad with 2 tablespoons of Italian dressing, about eight grapes and a diet Dr Pepper (50 without fruit/veggie)

Snack - Half of a Luna bar (95)

Dinner - Popcorn and diet Dr Pepper (100)

Snack - Other half of Luna bar (95)

This would make me 40 calories over. Maybe I'll just eat half the bag of popcorn. I don't want to give up my Luna bar; I fucking love those things.

I did, however, take a walk to the post office when I woke up this morning. I didn't time myself exactly, but I'd say it was about 20 minutes. So, what's that ... 50-odd calories? Pretty sad, but at least I did SOMETHING. I've been so lazy lately. It helps if I have a destination when I take a walk. Not a whole lot of places I need to go though.

It's my Friday and I fully plan on going out for drinks tomorrow night. Fifty calories per shot of whiskey. Even before dieting, it's common for me to go out without eating before and come home to pass out without eating anything. I typically have three whiskey-waters and two shots, so technically I'll have another 150 to give myself maybe as a drunken snack. That ain't bad at all.

But that's tomorrow. One day at a time. Going to work in 30 minutes and already drooling in anticipation of my first break with my Luna bar. I am so hungry. It's kind of cool to have something to look forward to, though.

accountability

Goddamn I puked the hell out of those little bitch pizzas. Chewed and spit out about one of the four, then immediately hit the toilet. I've found that when I think I'm almost done and put my finger down my throat, I should let some of the vomit stay on my fingers. It sounds disgusting, yeah, but it really helps me get grossed out and puke up more than I thought I could.

I know I shouldn't purge, but I feel like 50 percent less guilty about what I just ate in the past half-hour. My body doesn't feel heavy and gross. My mind knows I fucked up, but my stomach is OK. I think I feel slightly less hungry than I did when I got off work, which means I definitely let some of that get all the way down my gullet, unfortunately.

The thing I am looking forward to about Skinny Girl is the fruit/veggie "freebie" rule. I'm not going to abuse it by any means, but I like the idea of waking up to a nice salad with the dressing of my choice (because that'll be all I count) and a big bowl of grapes. I know I said I'd "restart" tomorrow, but I'm just gonna roll with it. Compared to ABC, this diet will be easier to keep up (now that I've gotten the early denial stage out of the way). 400, then 300, then 400 again? Damn that sounds like heaven right there.

Of course, it'd be a lot easier to get through if I had a buddy. I am too nervous to seek one out though. Like, I'm too old to be doing this (28) or my weight is too high or too low to match up to someone else. As much as this blog helps, I need to be accountable to someone other than myself if I really want to make this work.

saddle up

Well, the past month has just had too much going on that I fell again.

I weighed myself today and I'm at 153.6 after eating lunch. Ugh. I mean, it's still not as bad as it was before I started ABC, but I totally just fucked myself over after a lot of hard work.

Trying to get back on track now. I figured ABC was a little too hardcore for a gal of my size, so I'm going with Skinny Girl. Day one was going so well ... had some Reddi egg whites for breakfast (which I found absolutely disgusting so I didn't eat much of that), a rice cake, then I split a Luna bar (190) in half and had one on each 15-minute break. 100-calorie popcorn for lunch. And of course a bunch of sugar-free gum mixed in there.

Great, right? Well, that was until I went to the store after work. I made it through aisles and aisles of cookies and chocolate and chips and ignored it all ... I made it all the way to the checkout and saw the mini Cadbury creme eggs. I didn't even allow myself to think about it. My brain yelled, "I WANT!" so I bought them. I then came home and devoured all 12 of them. I spit a few out after chewing and just got done purging as best I could ... it's hard to tell whether you're getting chocolate/filling out when it's pretty liquidy the moment it hits your mouth. But I pushed hard. I know that doesn't make up for it ... but I just had to.

And now I'm cooking up a four-piece 230 calorie pizza tray and plan to purge that as well. Jesus, I didn't even make it through the first day. I was so proud of planning out my whole day and keeping it just below 400, as it should have been. Fucking grocery shopping.

But I didn't buy anything else dangerous. I bought a bunch of those Luna bars because they are amazing at satisfying my chocolate cravings and can be split up through the day.

So I guess I've already failed this attempt. I guess I can "start over" tomorrow. I mean, when you break it down, I didn't go completely off the deep end today ... maybe I needed to ease myself back in. I'm actually still hoping that somehow that scale will give me good news tomorrow.

And I need to fucking start exercising. I enjoy walking, and should start doing it first thing when I wake up. And as soon as the employee gym reopens, I'll hit that after my shift ends at 5am. Shouldn't be too many people there to see my fat ass trying to jog on a machine.

I'm gonna go eat my little pizza things and then do my best to get rid of them. This is not a good cycle right now.