here we go again

i've been restricting for the past ... like four or five days i think? i started feeling just unbelievably fat every day. uncomfortable in every stretchy inch of my body. and now, after just a few days of not eating complete shit, i think i might weigh less than i did at my "best" when i was really working on the SGD. i find that hard to believe. i totally binged on my day off ... but also purged three or four times and took laxatives.

regardless, my home scale says 133.4, which if i recall correctly is five pounds lower than my official scale at work. there is no way i only weigh 138 pounds! that is almost as good as last year when i was super gung-ho and restricting and fasting and taking diet pills and laxatives, etc.

i guess it's possible ... i guess i didn't gain back as much weight as i thought i did after i gave up on restricting. i lost a lot of weight last year, and maybe i only put back on a few pounds. that will make getting lower numbers a lot easier that's for sure.

i feel like i should go for a walk.

i'm in it

Fucking terrible. I need to lose .7 pounds per week if I'm going to meet my very reasonable initial goal weight. I will be going on a vacation and meeting a guy I've known for years on the internet but never met. This is 16 weeks from now. It's not that hard. Fucking work for it for god's sake.

on and on

Hour 50-51 of my fast, feeling fine. Tired, but after the first 24 hours it becomes easier. It's easy to tell yourself to keep going because you already know you can do this. I want food, but I don't need it.

So now I'll be going to sleep and by the time I wake up I'll be pretty much right at 60 hours of fasting.

Final weigh-in at the end of my shift was 142.1, which is down 2.7 pounds from yesterday ... that seems almost impossible, but I do love seeing some results during fasting.

I'm already thinking about my fast-break ... I'm either gonna have a veggie burger and a couple of bananas or, if I can find five bucks, I'll get myself a rotisserie chicken. According to the internets, they are not high-cal ... and it sounds like an amazing treat to myself. Plus, my cat would be glad to help me eat it :)

it came to me in a dream ...

Well, once again I disappeared because I fucked up. But now I've realized how close I am to the wedding, and I need to lose more. So I had my "last meal" of pizza on Sunday, finishing it around 1:30am. I have been fasting since, putting me at roughly 40 hours without anything but coffee and gum. I'm going to keep it going tonight, and will actually probably pass the 48-hour mark if I don't eat anything at work and sleep until 2pm tomorrow. That is my hope. If I get weak AFTER hitting 48 hours, I will have a banana and nothing more.

Then tomorrow, I'm going to try for a strictly fruit day and next I'll do my best on SGD. I am fucking serious with myself this time. I gained back around 5 fucking pounds. I will be back under 140. I think I have probably lost 2 pounds since yesterday. I took an hour-long walk on the beach today and it felt great. I will try to get my ass moving more often.

I had a dream this morning that I broke this fast with almost an entire pizza. I wanted to go back for more, but my best friend Ann told me to stop. She told me I've been working hard, and that I need to get back on track and that she had faith in me. I think it's hilarious that it was Ann in the dream ... her name is so close to Ana. My dreams lately have been very current ... I have been dreaming about things/people from that day. Kind of strange.

Anyway, so I'm feeling good. I woke up super early today, about five hours before I even need to leave for work, but going to the beach and drinking coffee have helped me stay away from food this afternoon. Then work is cake.

attitude is everything

Last week was complete shit. I binged hardcore for like three or four days in a row. I meant to restart SGD yesterday, but was feeling like a bitch so I went out for mimosas and had a couple of slices of cheese pizza with a friend. Then I came home and ate like two Luna bars ... then I purged. As hard as I could. I purged quite a few times over my bingey week. I never really considered myself a Mia, but sometimes I just get so fucking desperate and scared. Much more-so lately.

So before the shitty several days, I had weighed in, what, like 137-something? When I got back to work on Monday, it said 144. I wanted to fucking die. How was it possible to fucking gain 7 pounds in like five days? I attributed it to the fact that I was full when I weighed myself.

Last night, I weighed in at 142.5. More reasonable, but still way too fucking high up. Today I "restarted" SGD (how many times have I said that?), am at 360 calories right now before I go to work ... my stomach is grumbling and feels empty ... I better fucking be in the mid-141. I got way fucking out of control. And I almost thought, like, I couldn't get it back. I had one bad day, then I said, "I'll be better tomorrow." Then tomorrow came and I said fuck it again, then the next day, then the next day ... to the point where last night at work I was like, "I want chips and a candy bar ... it's fine. You'll start tomorrow. The scale already fucking hates you, so what difference does it make?" But I fought back and made it through the night without succumbing to those ridiculous desires. I ended up with a 24-hour fast, actually.

And then, today ... it's strange ... it's like, once I get ONE day of restricting under my belt, I suddenly feel like I've regained that control. My attitude suddenly changes, I feel the comfort in an empty stomach, I feel the pride that comes with controlling my body. If I start the day with the attitude that it will be a day of restricting, I can do it. If I start the day thinking about junk and trying to rationalize eating too much ... it's harder to fight back. I have to go to bed with the right attitude, and wake up with it.

So I ate a dinky little ham sandwich and 1 and 1/3 Luna bars and am heading to work soon. I ate before 5pm, and won't be eating at work, so I'm going to try to hit another 24 hours without eating. Tomorrow is my Saturday, and I've only got 300 calories, which is my own fault for restarting today ... I will more likely rearrange a couple of days to give myself the higher-calorie days on my days off. But still, I will wait to eat tomorrow until after I've hit 24 hours. Normally I go out on the first day of my weekend, but I already told my friend I don't want to ... I need to cut down on drinking, not just because they're empty calories, but because then I get home and I get high and do something stupid like order pizza or eat saltines and peanut butter in bed. If tomorrow's really a 300 day anyway, I don't have room for drinks. I can't swear on anyone's grave that I won't drink tomorrow but I'm going to probably put it off and just go out on Friday. One day at a time.

I swear I better see a lower number on that scale today ... I have to make up for what a fuckup I've been. And I've got less than six weeks to lose another 10 pounds. This is the final stretch toward the wedding (not the end of losing weight, but one goal at a time), and I cannot be slipping up anymore. I'm such a fucking idiot.

don't forget

Well, work was bad tonight. About an hour before my lunchtime, I decided I needed food. And a lot of it. And something I shouldn't eat. My co-worker gave me her ATM card to run down to the store to get us both some lunch and get brownies and cookies and ice cream for everyone. I bought those delicious Safeway chicken strips, which I haven't had in forever, and it was wayyyy too much for me. I ate two pieces and thought about taking the rest home, but gave it to my co-worker (she did pay for them after all) ... then I ate like three chocolate chip cookies, four or five brownie bites and two servings of ice cream. At first I was like, fine, whatever, so I fucked up tonight. Then I remembered, "Oh hey I can purge!" I swear, sometimes I totally forget that's an option. So I purged at about 12:45, which was within an hour of eating all that shit. And I purged GOOD. I thought I'd only get the treats up because I had had the chicken strips an hour before whereas I ate the treats 45 minutes before purging. But I tasted the chicken strips in my purging as well as the treats. I love how easy ice cream makes it. I kept going and going and going until I couldn't go anymore. I instantly felt lighter ... but I figured there was still plenty in there to digest and that it would be reflected on the scale when I left for work. But I weighed myself at 4:30 (almost four hours after purging and about five hours of eating, so plenty of time for things to settle in) ... and I was at an incredible 137.4, down almost an entire pound from yesterday. I don't know how that's possible, but I really hope it is true. So I enjoyed myself but didn't ruin myself, it looks like. Now I've got tomorrow off and I need to be good. I have to. I already feel weak about it though, and thinking about what I'll want to eat when I'm drunk ...

I also weighed myself on my own scale just now when I got home to see what it said, so I can still see what happened after this night. My scale is cheap and shitty, and always gives a lower weight than the scale at work. It says I weigh 132 without any clothes on. So when I weigh myself in the morning, as long as it's 132 or lower I know I'm safe from my weakness at work. Like I said, I am NOT 132 pounds, but I can just add four pounds to whatever it says and will have roughly the correct weight.

Very curious to see what it says in the morning. I sure would love it to stay at 132 (it would mean I really dodged a bullet after that binge) ... but even better would be lower than that of course :)

OH! I almost forgot. This chick I worked with tonight who I haven't seen in a few months (our schedules are usually opposite) said when she first saw me, "You look like you've shrunk!"

I loved that. Even more than having people say, "You're getting skinny!" There's something more significant about the word "shrunk." I enjoy seeing people after all these months of hard work, because the people who see you every day don't really notice, but the ones who don't are just taken aback.

So yeah, that was totally awesome :)

wtf?

Well, I just made myself a lovely salad (butter lettuce, yellow bell peppers, carrot and tomato with Italian dressing) and ate a banana, and it wasn't more than three minutes after I finished it that I had an INSTANT need to vomit. Like, I almost didn't make it to the bathroom. I have no idea what made me react like that (no, it wasn't on purpose). All the veggies were fresh as well as the dressing. It didn't even have time to hit my stomach. I am very confused.

I was just now able to eat about 1/4 of a Luna bar (I was two bites into it when I had to run to the bathroom), and feel fine, but I don't know what to do now. I have to eat something before work, but I'm scared that whatever I try will not work. Like I said, I can't even say it "hit my stomach wrong" because it never had a chance to ... wtf.