here we go again

i've been restricting for the past ... like four or five days i think? i started feeling just unbelievably fat every day. uncomfortable in every stretchy inch of my body. and now, after just a few days of not eating complete shit, i think i might weigh less than i did at my "best" when i was really working on the SGD. i find that hard to believe. i totally binged on my day off ... but also purged three or four times and took laxatives.

regardless, my home scale says 133.4, which if i recall correctly is five pounds lower than my official scale at work. there is no way i only weigh 138 pounds! that is almost as good as last year when i was super gung-ho and restricting and fasting and taking diet pills and laxatives, etc.

i guess it's possible ... i guess i didn't gain back as much weight as i thought i did after i gave up on restricting. i lost a lot of weight last year, and maybe i only put back on a few pounds. that will make getting lower numbers a lot easier that's for sure.

i feel like i should go for a walk.

i'm in it

Fucking terrible. I need to lose .7 pounds per week if I'm going to meet my very reasonable initial goal weight. I will be going on a vacation and meeting a guy I've known for years on the internet but never met. This is 16 weeks from now. It's not that hard. Fucking work for it for god's sake.

on and on

Hour 50-51 of my fast, feeling fine. Tired, but after the first 24 hours it becomes easier. It's easy to tell yourself to keep going because you already know you can do this. I want food, but I don't need it.

So now I'll be going to sleep and by the time I wake up I'll be pretty much right at 60 hours of fasting.

Final weigh-in at the end of my shift was 142.1, which is down 2.7 pounds from yesterday ... that seems almost impossible, but I do love seeing some results during fasting.

I'm already thinking about my fast-break ... I'm either gonna have a veggie burger and a couple of bananas or, if I can find five bucks, I'll get myself a rotisserie chicken. According to the internets, they are not high-cal ... and it sounds like an amazing treat to myself. Plus, my cat would be glad to help me eat it :)

it came to me in a dream ...

Well, once again I disappeared because I fucked up. But now I've realized how close I am to the wedding, and I need to lose more. So I had my "last meal" of pizza on Sunday, finishing it around 1:30am. I have been fasting since, putting me at roughly 40 hours without anything but coffee and gum. I'm going to keep it going tonight, and will actually probably pass the 48-hour mark if I don't eat anything at work and sleep until 2pm tomorrow. That is my hope. If I get weak AFTER hitting 48 hours, I will have a banana and nothing more.

Then tomorrow, I'm going to try for a strictly fruit day and next I'll do my best on SGD. I am fucking serious with myself this time. I gained back around 5 fucking pounds. I will be back under 140. I think I have probably lost 2 pounds since yesterday. I took an hour-long walk on the beach today and it felt great. I will try to get my ass moving more often.

I had a dream this morning that I broke this fast with almost an entire pizza. I wanted to go back for more, but my best friend Ann told me to stop. She told me I've been working hard, and that I need to get back on track and that she had faith in me. I think it's hilarious that it was Ann in the dream ... her name is so close to Ana. My dreams lately have been very current ... I have been dreaming about things/people from that day. Kind of strange.

Anyway, so I'm feeling good. I woke up super early today, about five hours before I even need to leave for work, but going to the beach and drinking coffee have helped me stay away from food this afternoon. Then work is cake.

attitude is everything

Last week was complete shit. I binged hardcore for like three or four days in a row. I meant to restart SGD yesterday, but was feeling like a bitch so I went out for mimosas and had a couple of slices of cheese pizza with a friend. Then I came home and ate like two Luna bars ... then I purged. As hard as I could. I purged quite a few times over my bingey week. I never really considered myself a Mia, but sometimes I just get so fucking desperate and scared. Much more-so lately.

So before the shitty several days, I had weighed in, what, like 137-something? When I got back to work on Monday, it said 144. I wanted to fucking die. How was it possible to fucking gain 7 pounds in like five days? I attributed it to the fact that I was full when I weighed myself.

Last night, I weighed in at 142.5. More reasonable, but still way too fucking high up. Today I "restarted" SGD (how many times have I said that?), am at 360 calories right now before I go to work ... my stomach is grumbling and feels empty ... I better fucking be in the mid-141. I got way fucking out of control. And I almost thought, like, I couldn't get it back. I had one bad day, then I said, "I'll be better tomorrow." Then tomorrow came and I said fuck it again, then the next day, then the next day ... to the point where last night at work I was like, "I want chips and a candy bar ... it's fine. You'll start tomorrow. The scale already fucking hates you, so what difference does it make?" But I fought back and made it through the night without succumbing to those ridiculous desires. I ended up with a 24-hour fast, actually.

And then, today ... it's strange ... it's like, once I get ONE day of restricting under my belt, I suddenly feel like I've regained that control. My attitude suddenly changes, I feel the comfort in an empty stomach, I feel the pride that comes with controlling my body. If I start the day with the attitude that it will be a day of restricting, I can do it. If I start the day thinking about junk and trying to rationalize eating too much ... it's harder to fight back. I have to go to bed with the right attitude, and wake up with it.

So I ate a dinky little ham sandwich and 1 and 1/3 Luna bars and am heading to work soon. I ate before 5pm, and won't be eating at work, so I'm going to try to hit another 24 hours without eating. Tomorrow is my Saturday, and I've only got 300 calories, which is my own fault for restarting today ... I will more likely rearrange a couple of days to give myself the higher-calorie days on my days off. But still, I will wait to eat tomorrow until after I've hit 24 hours. Normally I go out on the first day of my weekend, but I already told my friend I don't want to ... I need to cut down on drinking, not just because they're empty calories, but because then I get home and I get high and do something stupid like order pizza or eat saltines and peanut butter in bed. If tomorrow's really a 300 day anyway, I don't have room for drinks. I can't swear on anyone's grave that I won't drink tomorrow but I'm going to probably put it off and just go out on Friday. One day at a time.

I swear I better see a lower number on that scale today ... I have to make up for what a fuckup I've been. And I've got less than six weeks to lose another 10 pounds. This is the final stretch toward the wedding (not the end of losing weight, but one goal at a time), and I cannot be slipping up anymore. I'm such a fucking idiot.

don't forget

Well, work was bad tonight. About an hour before my lunchtime, I decided I needed food. And a lot of it. And something I shouldn't eat. My co-worker gave me her ATM card to run down to the store to get us both some lunch and get brownies and cookies and ice cream for everyone. I bought those delicious Safeway chicken strips, which I haven't had in forever, and it was wayyyy too much for me. I ate two pieces and thought about taking the rest home, but gave it to my co-worker (she did pay for them after all) ... then I ate like three chocolate chip cookies, four or five brownie bites and two servings of ice cream. At first I was like, fine, whatever, so I fucked up tonight. Then I remembered, "Oh hey I can purge!" I swear, sometimes I totally forget that's an option. So I purged at about 12:45, which was within an hour of eating all that shit. And I purged GOOD. I thought I'd only get the treats up because I had had the chicken strips an hour before whereas I ate the treats 45 minutes before purging. But I tasted the chicken strips in my purging as well as the treats. I love how easy ice cream makes it. I kept going and going and going until I couldn't go anymore. I instantly felt lighter ... but I figured there was still plenty in there to digest and that it would be reflected on the scale when I left for work. But I weighed myself at 4:30 (almost four hours after purging and about five hours of eating, so plenty of time for things to settle in) ... and I was at an incredible 137.4, down almost an entire pound from yesterday. I don't know how that's possible, but I really hope it is true. So I enjoyed myself but didn't ruin myself, it looks like. Now I've got tomorrow off and I need to be good. I have to. I already feel weak about it though, and thinking about what I'll want to eat when I'm drunk ...

I also weighed myself on my own scale just now when I got home to see what it said, so I can still see what happened after this night. My scale is cheap and shitty, and always gives a lower weight than the scale at work. It says I weigh 132 without any clothes on. So when I weigh myself in the morning, as long as it's 132 or lower I know I'm safe from my weakness at work. Like I said, I am NOT 132 pounds, but I can just add four pounds to whatever it says and will have roughly the correct weight.

Very curious to see what it says in the morning. I sure would love it to stay at 132 (it would mean I really dodged a bullet after that binge) ... but even better would be lower than that of course :)

OH! I almost forgot. This chick I worked with tonight who I haven't seen in a few months (our schedules are usually opposite) said when she first saw me, "You look like you've shrunk!"

I loved that. Even more than having people say, "You're getting skinny!" There's something more significant about the word "shrunk." I enjoy seeing people after all these months of hard work, because the people who see you every day don't really notice, but the ones who don't are just taken aback.

So yeah, that was totally awesome :)

wtf?

Well, I just made myself a lovely salad (butter lettuce, yellow bell peppers, carrot and tomato with Italian dressing) and ate a banana, and it wasn't more than three minutes after I finished it that I had an INSTANT need to vomit. Like, I almost didn't make it to the bathroom. I have no idea what made me react like that (no, it wasn't on purpose). All the veggies were fresh as well as the dressing. It didn't even have time to hit my stomach. I am very confused.

I was just now able to eat about 1/4 of a Luna bar (I was two bites into it when I had to run to the bathroom), and feel fine, but I don't know what to do now. I have to eat something before work, but I'm scared that whatever I try will not work. Like I said, I can't even say it "hit my stomach wrong" because it never had a chance to ... wtf.

first meal

Just broke my 48-hour fast. Honestly, I felt like I could have gone longer, but I need to be able to get through work without passing out or something.

I walked down to the co-op for my meal. I got a whole bunch of veggies to make a nice big salad, but it was raining on my walk home, my paper bag ripped and I dropped my salad dressing. :(

So I just ate two organic bananas (220) and half of one of those yummy organic pizzas (262). Then maybe I can allow myself a Luna bar (or half) for dessert. Including the bananas, though, I'm getting pretty high up into there. After 1/2 of the pizza, I'll be sitting at 482 calories post-fast. If I eat half of the Luna bar, I'd be at 571 calories. Blah that seems like too much. But hell, it's like 1/5 of what I ate following my last 48-hour fast. I fucked that fast WAY up. Those bananas filled me up pretty good as an "appetizer" ... and it was actually really easy to eat only half of that pizza. I can't believe how tasty that thing is even though the calorie count is so low! I am so glad I found it, because it helps satisfy my ever-present pizza craving without making me feel guilty.

It's an hour and a half till I leave for work ... don't think I'll be able to resist the Luna bar that long. But I will eat only half, I swear! I want to still see a lower number on the scale tonight. I'd really like to be under 138.

new moves

12 hours till the end of my 48-hour fast! I feel great. Scale gave me 138.9, down one pound from yesterday, which is fine by me. And I'm not going to fuck up the fast by eating too much right after. I think I'm gonna go get me one of those little organic pizzas to break it, which is only 500-odd calories. I'm gonna try to shave off a little to not eat, just to reduce that count a little bit.

I got a lot of stuff done around my apartment today, including cleaning out my cupboards, fridge and freezer. I threw away the few high-cal things I had left around (really, it wasn't much ... I don't ever really have a lot of food in the house anyway). My new plan is to buy food one day at a time, which will also force me to walk to the co-op every day, about 25 minutes of walking. I am still failing on the whole exercise thing, but this is at least a start. And the daily shopping will hopefully prevent binges. The only thing I'll be able to "binge" on is salads and fruit (those I will buy a couple days' worth at a time). Well, I've also got about four boxes of veggie burgers in the freezer, hah, but I ain't throwing those out. And those aren't really dangerous binge items either. I could never eat more than two of those at a time, which would still be below 500 cals in themselves.

I am feeling really good about these new steps I'm taking. I am adding more discipline to this; my real challenge is to be GOOD on the weekends and not order a pizza or anything like that.

Time to sleep away the rest of my fast. By the time I wake up, I'll only have to wait a few more hours till I can eat.

Yay!

yo-yo

After the terrible feeling that the past two days gave me ... I felt fucking depressed all day. Normally I just get frustrated with these failures, but today I felt not like I had failed, but that I was a failure. A measly two-day weekend and I really fucked up that badly? I couldn't fucking stick to the diet or at least fast one of those days? Why am I so self-destructive just when I start making progress? My initial weigh-in at work was 140.8, which made me want to slit my wrists.

Anyway, so I made a sad attempt to puke up a small (but calorie-heavy) lunch ... it was a lot later than I should've tried, but hey, some came out. Then the laxatives FINALLY kicked in (24 hours later) right as I clocked out for lunch. So I drove home for some privacy and couldn't wait to get back to work to see if that flushed anything out.

Official weigh-in (supported by three separate reweighs): 139.8. I don't know, I guess that's up a pound from three days ago. Could be worse, but it SHOULD be fucking better. The moment I got to work I realized I needed a 48-hour fast. I even downloaded a countdown app to keep myself motivated. Yes, it will be difficult, but it's always easier to skip meals on workdays ... even though there are constant temptations (like today, there were two giant platters of cookies; at least I didn't give in to the evil thoughts I had of immediately saying "fuck it" to a fast I had barely started). So, let's check the countdown ... 1 day, 11 hours, 4 mins, 24 seconds. It will certainly be a joy to wake up in the afternoon to see a much smaller amount of time. I really hope this keeps me on track to make it through the whole fast. At the VERY least, I will be fasting for 30 hours. But no, I will make it 48. I've done it in the past. It's no big deal. And then when it's over I will ONCE AGAIN restart SGD.

Fucking yo-yo.

gag me

Well, last night and this morning were disasters. I would prefer they be stricken from the books.

I feel like shit, like I have a hangover, or slept too much or too little, or just general malaise ... I seriously feel like shit. Yet, I still am in binge-mode. I feel sick to my stomach.

I took three laxatives right after my binge/before bed and so far, nothing. I wonder if anyone else has the same problem with laxatives taking for-fucking-ever to actually work. I don't like not knowing when it will hit. What if there's a huge rush at work and I can't just run away?

Well, here's hoping this'll all be over soon.

whoops

I did so fucking well yesterday. 400-calorie limit: two carb-free Red Bulls (20), Luna bar (190), three shots of whiskey (180), leaving me at 390. Then I came home and took a few sleeping pills, woke up a few hours later in this weird high fog ... and totally starving. Two Luna bars (380), two rice cakes (100), mini sandwich (90). Fuck. I binged, adding another 500+ calories to my day. I just thank GOD that all there is for me to binge on is low-cal stuff.

Tonight I'm going to the bar, with 500 calories to work with. I'm going to try to ONLY drink tonight, but not get drunk because I'll be driving ... which means I won't have a drunken binge. I'm also going to do my best to stay UNDER that 500 in an attempt to make up for yesterday. I'll do the same thing tomorrow. Or maybe just fast. We'll see.

All I know is I better see a pretty number on that scale at work tomorrow.

yayuh

Tonight was such a major success. In the face of tons of candy and even hot, fresh pizza ... I resisted. I knew I couldn't even have one Skittle or it would push me like 4 calories over 300. And a slice of cheese pizza? Good lord that would've completely ruined the day. I've come to realize that even though I always thought that sweets were my biggest weakness, it's actually pizza. I wanted a slice so bad, I was salivating. I had to beg my co-worker for an extra smoke break because, no lie, all that agonizing over whether to give in or stay strong was giving me fucking palpitations. I walked past that box of pizza twice.

And the scale rewarded me. Of course, I weigh myself about eight times a day, but usually as the night goes on the scale goes up. I am usually at the daily low right before my dinner break (by that time, it's been seven hours since eating) and my daily high is when I leave work.

But instead, my final weigh-in before clocking out was the lowest of the day -- 138.6! Not only did I break 140, but I broke it EASILY in 24 hours. So I lost 1.4 pounds since yesterday's lowest weigh-in. I forgot how amazing the beginning of SGD is ... I never made it too far my last time around, but I did have major weight loss just in the weekish that I stuck to it. I'm going to try to make it farther in to SGD just to see how far this thing can take me. It's seeing those kinds of numbers on the scale that remind me, "OK, this is obviously working. You'd be a fool not to keep going!"

Day 2 - 300/300
No more, no less.
Fuck.Yes.

My eight-hour drive may cause some problems for me, energy-wise, food-wise, hunger-wise ... but hell, I'll be in the car for eight hours (alone) ... so it's kiiiiinda like fasting through a work shift. This will require much chain-smoking. Kinda wish I had a higher allowance for tomorrow, but I'm gonna keep things open and see where it goes. But I am promising myself that it is not going in a wrong direction.

must be strict

Skinny Girl Diet: Day 2

Lunch
Half bagel thin (50)
5 slices of ham (60)
Luna bar (190)

Dinner
Needs to be (0)

Total: 300/300

Hitting exactly 300 means absolutely no treats at work tonight. I mean it, me! Not even two Skittles!

Oh, and (if you don't count the miniscule cupcake/Skittles incident at about 9 p.m. yesterday, I basically fasted for another 24 hours. I waited as late as I could for lunch today (about 4:45 p.m.), and yesterday I ate lunch at 3:30 or so. It's funny how you can fast for an entire 24 hours but actually still eat each of those days. Just gotta time things perfectly.

Tomorrow is a 400 day, and I'll be driving four hours for a "document preparation" appointment (my county is so small that the closest one is that far away) to start the bankruptcy process. Then I get right back in the car and drive back ... so eight hours of driving tomorrow. Bleh. I'm going to take a Luna bar with me in case I need something on the drive down considering I'll be tired from waking up so early to get there in time, but I'm kinda thinking of saving the 400 to get a salad somewhere before I drive back. Although, the vegetables technically don't count, so even with dressing (I always get balsamic vinaigrette which is not too high in calories), I could probably still have room for the Luna bar. Problem is, I think I'll need an alcoholic drink or two when I get home, which is roughly 100 calories. All of those things combined actually will probably keep me close to 400. Hard to tell ahead of time; not sure how much I'll need subsistence to get me through it. Oh, and I'm sure I'll have a 10-calorie Red Bull or three to keep me going. If worse comes to worse, I'll swap the 400 with the 650 later in the week. I'd rather not do that, but I can't promise anything.

win

Quick update on the rest of my day:

First, there were maple-bacon cupcakes. I was "forced" to eat one, took two nibbles and decided it wasn't for me. Score 1.

Next, I was given an entire coffee cup full of candy. I ate two Skittles. Score 2.

Weigh-in today: 140 exactly (down .7 from yesterday). Score 3.

With all those treats waved in my face, believe me I had the "fuck it, I'll restart the diet tomorrow" thoughts, but I made the right choice!

Total calories for the day, including an estimate for the cupcake bite and the two Skittles, was just barely under 400. So proud! On to the next day!

again

Well, I realized after the fact that eating that giant meal after fasting for nearly 48 hours was stupid. What a waste of a fast. Yesterday at work I weighed in at 140.7, .3 higher than before my four-day weekend. Ugh.

So I just broke a 36-hour fast with -- you guessed it -- a Luna bar. Today is SGD restart day, so I've got 400 cals for the day. Here's the plan:

Lunch
Luna bar (180)
Two fake chicken strips with spicy mustard and ketchup (120)
Rice cake (50)

Dinner
Nothing

Total: 350/400

It's relatively easy for me to skip dinner at work. Maybe I'll take a rice cake just in case, and to keep myself distracted.

I've got another 10 pounds (at least) to go, so it's time to get serious and structured again. SGD is pretty easy to stick to, except on the days when I go out drinking. Whiskey has a shit-ton of calories. But the night I want to go out (Friday) is 500 calories, which gives me plenty of drinking space.

I need to go get a bunch of fruit now that I'm back on SGD, but I'm pretty much broke until Friday, and that organic fruit is pricey. So I'll have to get healthy after Friday.

Here's to a successful diet.

final countdown!

Well, I've got less than five hours until I can eat. The nice thing about fasting this long is that you just sleep and sleep and sleep because there's nothing else your body wants. The hunger has calmed down significantly. I came very close to breaking the fast last night, but every time I went to look in the fridge, I just grabbed a diet soda instead. I haven't done 48 hours since I started back up on dieting. It is exhausting. Now to the bad parts of fasting: I am freezing cold and my head is pounding. 

I am still yawning despite sleeping for about 12 hours, then napping another 45 mins and then another 45. I'm hoping I *can* have another nap, because I am dying for 9pm to roll around so I can eeeeeaaaaat. And I'm not going to lie, I plan on eating a pretty junk meal. But then right after I'll be starting another 24-hour fast, if not longer. Fasting will be CAKE at work. Oh god, don't say cake ...

Just 4.5 more hours to food. I am so excited!

fast weekend

Terrible past few days. Lots of pizza.

So I'm working on a 48-hour fast. At about 24 hours right now. It's a long weekend and I'm just being lazy for the rest of it. I need to make it to about 9pm tomorrow. If I can do 24 hours, I can do 48. And then I will eat light, and officially restart SGD on Monday. I have been bouncing between 140-142 for the past week, and I want to break 140 again. I was only below 140 for one or two days. I know I can do it, I've lost so much already and it's easier than I thought. But I need to get back on a structured diet, rather than just restricting randomly. I need those specific daily goals, otherwise I am more likely to binge. I need a target and I need to be told exactly what to do in order to continue to lose weight.

24 hours to go. I can do this.

the little things

Well, the weekend was just as I expected. I got my 600-calorie salad at Red Robin, ate a crab sandwich and some caramel corn at the ballgame, and drank lots of whiskey and Red Bull (sugar-free).

But when I got to work last night, I had somehow lost a pound. I have officially broken 140! I weighed in at 139.4. Hell yeah. AAAAND I resisted the most yummy-looking chocolate cake and some oatmeal cookies brought in to work last night. It was very, very hard, but I needed to get back on track after the bad weekend.

Still, I fasted for the past 24 hours. I now am having "lunch" ... three giant strawberries, a banana and a Luna bar. I might have another banana to prevent myself from eating another Luna bar. Yeah, I am enamored with those things.

Here's hoping I lost a little more overnight! My goal right now is to get to at least 130 pounds by the end of July for the wedding, which means I have to lose 1 pound per week (roughly .2 per day), which seems ridiculously easy. My ULTIMATE goal before the wedding is at least 125, which is 1.34 pounds per week. I need to ramp up my exercising though and work on flattening my still-sagging gut.

Also, I wore a tank top to the baseball game and didn't feel uncomfortable at all! I think I looked pretty good, in fact. My collarbones are starting to come through. :)

still pushing

Haven't posted in a while but it doesn't mean I've fallen off track. I haven't really been excelling either, though. I've been eating way too much on my weekends, but always fast right after, which really makes a huge difference. The other day I did have some garbage calories at work, but did my best to purge it away.

Right now I'm still sitting comfortably at 141. But that was from weighing myself in the morning, which was the end of a fast day. We all know that's a hard number to trust. I felt really good though, light and happy with my strength.

Today I ate a Luna bar (190) and this yummy organic pizza (524), putting me at 704 so far today. I'm going to try to stay there through the workday, as I feel like it's a good follow-up to the 395 from last night. I may have another Luna bar though. I fucking love those things; they're like dessert (and I have to be honest with myself that I can't just live without treats altogether). If I have that bar, though, I'll be at almost 900 cals for the day. Too much.

I'm trying to stay good this week because I'm going to visit my parents on Friday and we're going to a baseball game on Saturday. I can't NOT have anything at the ballgame, not just because my parents would be concerned, but because, come on, it's a baseball game. Last time I went, I had this amazing crab-sourdough sandwich that blew my mind. I will definitely have that again. I'll also be taking in a couple flasks of whiskey. Aaaaand I'm sure we'll have breakfast before we drive down there (three-hour drive) AND definitely dinner on Friday night. So I'll be having three or four meals in a row ... yikes. But from Thursday night to Friday dinner with the parents, I can fast. And then I'll fast when I get back on Sunday. So my food-heavy weekend will at least be surrounded by fasting. Ugh, though, I have to remember to at least make mostly careful choices (other than the crab sandwich) if I'm going to be eating all weekend.

Anyway, I'm gonna stay strong the rest of the day. I really fucking hope no one brings any treats to work today. They drive me fucking crazy.