Good morning. I woke up from terrible dreams and my whole body hurt. I'm trying to get out of this recent, awful haze of what feels like very little sleep. Like I said, putting aside the Xanax has really changed my sleep. I feel like shit when I wake up. However, feeling like shit pretty much squashes hunger. Like right now, I am eating a Luna bar and told myself I'd just take small bites to keep it going ... thing is, all I can take is small bites. My whole body feels disgusting and not just in a fat way. Of course, I have to remind myself that I *am* on my period. That's definitely part of it, too.
So I'm nibbling on my Luna bar (190), sipping on a diet soda hoping the caffeine will lessen the haze, and thinking about the rest of the day. I was considering taking a frozen pizza for lunch today, but that would put me close to 500 calories for the day. Yesterday's sandwich was probably in the range of 600-700, so I've got to make up for it today. So instead, I'll take a bag of popcorn (100) and a few grapes for lunch. I might try to avoid the popcorn, but that would be three days in a row of not really eating on my lunch break. I should probably give myself a few calories to keep me going through the workday (although popcorn is not exactly the most substantial "meal").
I meant to get up early enough to go buy a new pair of work pants. The ones I bought a couple of months ago are super baggy and I'm constantly pulling them up. I think they are size 12. It's hard to believe that's how big I was just a few months ago. I mean, they were a bit big on me because I worry about shrinkage, but the point is, I was not confident buying a size 10. Now, I'm guessing I'm a size 8 ... still not where I want to be, but it's not bad for just a couple months' work. And it's totally the lowest I've been in I don't know how long.
Wow. I still haven't finished my bar. I still have like 1/4 of it left. Not bad at all.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
pressure
Just got off work. I managed to avoid lunch for the most part. I did have a diet soda and a handful of grapes. But lord, just entering my apartment, I instantly think, "What can I eat?" I thought about having some shelled peanuts ... those are so fatty (although it's "good" fat) and calorie-heavy ... and messy. I'm proud to say I rejected that idea pretty quickly. Then I thought of my last Luna bar in the cupboard ... but that's like a "meal" for me and I don't need to eat 190 calories before I go to bed. Then I thought about the low-calorie frozen pizzas I have in the fridge, but they are microwave-only and I don't have a microwave. I'm realizing that those were a really smart purchase; I can ONLY have them for lunch at work. I have no way to eat them at home.
And that basically exhausted my options. I have some low-cal deli ham and sandwich thins, but that shit adds up quickly too. Plus, I already had a REAL sandwich today. I'm not really in the mood for a folded piece of bread and a few slices of ham.
The moral of the story is that I grabbed a 50-calorie rice cake. Yeah, yeah, I said I was done for the day ... but considering my stomach was pushing me really hard to give it something, I think my mind put up a damn good fight. No binge here.
I weighed in near the end of my shift (10 hours post-sandwich) and came up at 149.9. That's up 1.4 from yesterday but I'm gonna blame the bloat that came with my period tonight. I need to keep reminding myself that that's a very real weight-altering change ... no need to beat myself up until I see where I actually am when it's over. Of course I'll still be weighing myself at work the next two days, but whatever. I'll try to keep calm about the numbers.
I need to get myself to sleep before my stomach gets any more powerful.
And that basically exhausted my options. I have some low-cal deli ham and sandwich thins, but that shit adds up quickly too. Plus, I already had a REAL sandwich today. I'm not really in the mood for a folded piece of bread and a few slices of ham.
The moral of the story is that I grabbed a 50-calorie rice cake. Yeah, yeah, I said I was done for the day ... but considering my stomach was pushing me really hard to give it something, I think my mind put up a damn good fight. No binge here.
I weighed in near the end of my shift (10 hours post-sandwich) and came up at 149.9. That's up 1.4 from yesterday but I'm gonna blame the bloat that came with my period tonight. I need to keep reminding myself that that's a very real weight-altering change ... no need to beat myself up until I see where I actually am when it's over. Of course I'll still be weighing myself at work the next two days, but whatever. I'll try to keep calm about the numbers.
I need to get myself to sleep before my stomach gets any more powerful.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
stomach
One other thing to add: The guy I've been smutting around with (we are not in a relationship; basically we run into each other at the bar and have drunken sex occasionally ... have been seeing him a lot more often lately though) is always telling me I'm beautiful. He wants to keep the lights on. He tells me he doesn't know why I'm so weird about my body. He constantly says, "I love your stomach." It's weird though because the way I interpret that is that I have a "cute little belly" or something. My stomach is far from flat. I stay on the bottom to hide that a little better, but things progress and there I am, fat and flabby in front of him. I always feel insecure, no matter how many ways he compliments me. Even if I continue to lose weight, I'm not sure I'll ever lose that feeling. Insecurity doesn't go away just because you lose weight or take medication or whatever. 10 years ago when I was a skinny high-schooler, I was insecure. I mean, I know it's nothing special for a girl to be insecure ... it's fucking rare to find any female who isn't.
Anyway, that's all. I just remembered that whole "stomach" thing and had to share it. He's weird ... and he's super skinny and has amazing muscular arms so I just feel like I'm not worthy to be with him in any way. The only thing that helps me be with him is alcohol. I couldn't do this without it. I'm by no means an alcoholic ... I drink like twice a week ... but that's all I can do to be with him.
OK, gotta get ready for work. Ugh.
stalemate
It's been a weird few days. I succumbed to pizza after getting drunk on Thursday ... ate a small amount of leftovers on Friday ... Saturday I don't really remember what I did. Sunday was St. Patrick's Day and I drank all day but didn't eat anything. Played a lot of ping-pong on Thursday and Sunday. Had a lot of sex Thursday and Friday. Checked my weight at work yesterday and I still managed to lose a few pounds.
Ate only a cupcake and a brownie bite yesterday.
Just ate a Subway sandwich because I woke up feeling weak and shaky. It's kind of nice that those sandwiches are not insanely calorie-heavy but are super filling. Won't be eating anything else today. Not gonna weigh myself till the end of my workday because this sandwich is sitting like a log in my stomach. Should be getting my period any hour now, so I'm certainly bloated as well.
So my weight yesterday was 148.5 ... not bad considering I wasn't exactly disciplined this weekend.
Even though I fell off the wagon for a week or two or whatever that was, I'm already nearing the lowest weight I had during those couple of weeks of ABC back in January. I'm pretty sure my low was 147. I was worried when I started back up that I probably put it all back on, but honestly it turned out to not be so bad. Not really sure how the hell that worked.
I decided to put the Skinny Girl diet off for a couple of weeks because I'll be going home twice. My parents always take me out to dinner and I always eat like shit, but I'm gonna work hard to reign it in. I don't know if it's just the grumpiness of PMS but the past few days I just haven't given a shit about food. I didn't really care today, but like I said, I was feeling physically weak and I do have a 10-hour workday ahead of me. Actually kind of hoping it'll be busy so I'll move around a lot. I work at a desk, but there are lots of spurts of fast walking and this and that.
I think part of the reason I was so shaky when I woke up is because I didn't take any Xanax yesterday. My body is used to at least two per day, but I'm running low so I'm trying to chill out in case there are times I really really need it. I didn't sleep much ... but I couldn't get myself out of bed. I've been feeling really depressed recently and it's not just the PMS. The desire to quit my bipolar meds is getting stronger and stronger every week ... I just don't want to do it anymore. I am dead inside. And I'm convinced that I'm not actually crazy. And if I am, well, that's me. I'm sick of being some ghost of myself.
I just want to torture myself.
Ate only a cupcake and a brownie bite yesterday.
Just ate a Subway sandwich because I woke up feeling weak and shaky. It's kind of nice that those sandwiches are not insanely calorie-heavy but are super filling. Won't be eating anything else today. Not gonna weigh myself till the end of my workday because this sandwich is sitting like a log in my stomach. Should be getting my period any hour now, so I'm certainly bloated as well.
So my weight yesterday was 148.5 ... not bad considering I wasn't exactly disciplined this weekend.
Even though I fell off the wagon for a week or two or whatever that was, I'm already nearing the lowest weight I had during those couple of weeks of ABC back in January. I'm pretty sure my low was 147. I was worried when I started back up that I probably put it all back on, but honestly it turned out to not be so bad. Not really sure how the hell that worked.
I decided to put the Skinny Girl diet off for a couple of weeks because I'll be going home twice. My parents always take me out to dinner and I always eat like shit, but I'm gonna work hard to reign it in. I don't know if it's just the grumpiness of PMS but the past few days I just haven't given a shit about food. I didn't really care today, but like I said, I was feeling physically weak and I do have a 10-hour workday ahead of me. Actually kind of hoping it'll be busy so I'll move around a lot. I work at a desk, but there are lots of spurts of fast walking and this and that.
I think part of the reason I was so shaky when I woke up is because I didn't take any Xanax yesterday. My body is used to at least two per day, but I'm running low so I'm trying to chill out in case there are times I really really need it. I didn't sleep much ... but I couldn't get myself out of bed. I've been feeling really depressed recently and it's not just the PMS. The desire to quit my bipolar meds is getting stronger and stronger every week ... I just don't want to do it anymore. I am dead inside. And I'm convinced that I'm not actually crazy. And if I am, well, that's me. I'm sick of being some ghost of myself.
I just want to torture myself.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
walking alone
I still feel a little uncomfortable with this whole "free" fruits and vegetables thing. I just had about a cup of salad and a few grapes and I'm like, "Well, that was a meal." So how is it not? (Maybe because I'm till starving.)
Today's plan ...
Lunch - Mixed baby greens/spinach salad with 2 tablespoons of Italian dressing, about eight grapes and a diet Dr Pepper (50 without fruit/veggie)
Snack - Half of a Luna bar (95)
Dinner - Popcorn and diet Dr Pepper (100)
Snack - Other half of Luna bar (95)
This would make me 40 calories over. Maybe I'll just eat half the bag of popcorn. I don't want to give up my Luna bar; I fucking love those things.
I did, however, take a walk to the post office when I woke up this morning. I didn't time myself exactly, but I'd say it was about 20 minutes. So, what's that ... 50-odd calories? Pretty sad, but at least I did SOMETHING. I've been so lazy lately. It helps if I have a destination when I take a walk. Not a whole lot of places I need to go though.
It's my Friday and I fully plan on going out for drinks tomorrow night. Fifty calories per shot of whiskey. Even before dieting, it's common for me to go out without eating before and come home to pass out without eating anything. I typically have three whiskey-waters and two shots, so technically I'll have another 150 to give myself maybe as a drunken snack. That ain't bad at all.
But that's tomorrow. One day at a time. Going to work in 30 minutes and already drooling in anticipation of my first break with my Luna bar. I am so hungry. It's kind of cool to have something to look forward to, though.
Today's plan ...
Lunch - Mixed baby greens/spinach salad with 2 tablespoons of Italian dressing, about eight grapes and a diet Dr Pepper (50 without fruit/veggie)
Snack - Half of a Luna bar (95)
Dinner - Popcorn and diet Dr Pepper (100)
Snack - Other half of Luna bar (95)
This would make me 40 calories over. Maybe I'll just eat half the bag of popcorn. I don't want to give up my Luna bar; I fucking love those things.
I did, however, take a walk to the post office when I woke up this morning. I didn't time myself exactly, but I'd say it was about 20 minutes. So, what's that ... 50-odd calories? Pretty sad, but at least I did SOMETHING. I've been so lazy lately. It helps if I have a destination when I take a walk. Not a whole lot of places I need to go though.
It's my Friday and I fully plan on going out for drinks tomorrow night. Fifty calories per shot of whiskey. Even before dieting, it's common for me to go out without eating before and come home to pass out without eating anything. I typically have three whiskey-waters and two shots, so technically I'll have another 150 to give myself maybe as a drunken snack. That ain't bad at all.
But that's tomorrow. One day at a time. Going to work in 30 minutes and already drooling in anticipation of my first break with my Luna bar. I am so hungry. It's kind of cool to have something to look forward to, though.
accountability
Goddamn I puked the hell out of those little bitch pizzas. Chewed and spit out about one of the four, then immediately hit the toilet. I've found that when I think I'm almost done and put my finger down my throat, I should let some of the vomit stay on my fingers. It sounds disgusting, yeah, but it really helps me get grossed out and puke up more than I thought I could.
I know I shouldn't purge, but I feel like 50 percent less guilty about what I just ate in the past half-hour. My body doesn't feel heavy and gross. My mind knows I fucked up, but my stomach is OK. I think I feel slightly less hungry than I did when I got off work, which means I definitely let some of that get all the way down my gullet, unfortunately.
The thing I am looking forward to about Skinny Girl is the fruit/veggie "freebie" rule. I'm not going to abuse it by any means, but I like the idea of waking up to a nice salad with the dressing of my choice (because that'll be all I count) and a big bowl of grapes. I know I said I'd "restart" tomorrow, but I'm just gonna roll with it. Compared to ABC, this diet will be easier to keep up (now that I've gotten the early denial stage out of the way). 400, then 300, then 400 again? Damn that sounds like heaven right there.
Of course, it'd be a lot easier to get through if I had a buddy. I am too nervous to seek one out though. Like, I'm too old to be doing this (28) or my weight is too high or too low to match up to someone else. As much as this blog helps, I need to be accountable to someone other than myself if I really want to make this work.
I know I shouldn't purge, but I feel like 50 percent less guilty about what I just ate in the past half-hour. My body doesn't feel heavy and gross. My mind knows I fucked up, but my stomach is OK. I think I feel slightly less hungry than I did when I got off work, which means I definitely let some of that get all the way down my gullet, unfortunately.
The thing I am looking forward to about Skinny Girl is the fruit/veggie "freebie" rule. I'm not going to abuse it by any means, but I like the idea of waking up to a nice salad with the dressing of my choice (because that'll be all I count) and a big bowl of grapes. I know I said I'd "restart" tomorrow, but I'm just gonna roll with it. Compared to ABC, this diet will be easier to keep up (now that I've gotten the early denial stage out of the way). 400, then 300, then 400 again? Damn that sounds like heaven right there.
Of course, it'd be a lot easier to get through if I had a buddy. I am too nervous to seek one out though. Like, I'm too old to be doing this (28) or my weight is too high or too low to match up to someone else. As much as this blog helps, I need to be accountable to someone other than myself if I really want to make this work.
saddle up
Well, the past month has just had too much going on that I fell again.
I weighed myself today and I'm at 153.6 after eating lunch. Ugh. I mean, it's still not as bad as it was before I started ABC, but I totally just fucked myself over after a lot of hard work.
Trying to get back on track now. I figured ABC was a little too hardcore for a gal of my size, so I'm going with Skinny Girl. Day one was going so well ... had some Reddi egg whites for breakfast (which I found absolutely disgusting so I didn't eat much of that), a rice cake, then I split a Luna bar (190) in half and had one on each 15-minute break. 100-calorie popcorn for lunch. And of course a bunch of sugar-free gum mixed in there.
Great, right? Well, that was until I went to the store after work. I made it through aisles and aisles of cookies and chocolate and chips and ignored it all ... I made it all the way to the checkout and saw the mini Cadbury creme eggs. I didn't even allow myself to think about it. My brain yelled, "I WANT!" so I bought them. I then came home and devoured all 12 of them. I spit a few out after chewing and just got done purging as best I could ... it's hard to tell whether you're getting chocolate/filling out when it's pretty liquidy the moment it hits your mouth. But I pushed hard. I know that doesn't make up for it ... but I just had to.
And now I'm cooking up a four-piece 230 calorie pizza tray and plan to purge that as well. Jesus, I didn't even make it through the first day. I was so proud of planning out my whole day and keeping it just below 400, as it should have been. Fucking grocery shopping.
But I didn't buy anything else dangerous. I bought a bunch of those Luna bars because they are amazing at satisfying my chocolate cravings and can be split up through the day.
So I guess I've already failed this attempt. I guess I can "start over" tomorrow. I mean, when you break it down, I didn't go completely off the deep end today ... maybe I needed to ease myself back in. I'm actually still hoping that somehow that scale will give me good news tomorrow.
And I need to fucking start exercising. I enjoy walking, and should start doing it first thing when I wake up. And as soon as the employee gym reopens, I'll hit that after my shift ends at 5am. Shouldn't be too many people there to see my fat ass trying to jog on a machine.
I'm gonna go eat my little pizza things and then do my best to get rid of them. This is not a good cycle right now.
I weighed myself today and I'm at 153.6 after eating lunch. Ugh. I mean, it's still not as bad as it was before I started ABC, but I totally just fucked myself over after a lot of hard work.
Trying to get back on track now. I figured ABC was a little too hardcore for a gal of my size, so I'm going with Skinny Girl. Day one was going so well ... had some Reddi egg whites for breakfast (which I found absolutely disgusting so I didn't eat much of that), a rice cake, then I split a Luna bar (190) in half and had one on each 15-minute break. 100-calorie popcorn for lunch. And of course a bunch of sugar-free gum mixed in there.
Great, right? Well, that was until I went to the store after work. I made it through aisles and aisles of cookies and chocolate and chips and ignored it all ... I made it all the way to the checkout and saw the mini Cadbury creme eggs. I didn't even allow myself to think about it. My brain yelled, "I WANT!" so I bought them. I then came home and devoured all 12 of them. I spit a few out after chewing and just got done purging as best I could ... it's hard to tell whether you're getting chocolate/filling out when it's pretty liquidy the moment it hits your mouth. But I pushed hard. I know that doesn't make up for it ... but I just had to.
And now I'm cooking up a four-piece 230 calorie pizza tray and plan to purge that as well. Jesus, I didn't even make it through the first day. I was so proud of planning out my whole day and keeping it just below 400, as it should have been. Fucking grocery shopping.
But I didn't buy anything else dangerous. I bought a bunch of those Luna bars because they are amazing at satisfying my chocolate cravings and can be split up through the day.
So I guess I've already failed this attempt. I guess I can "start over" tomorrow. I mean, when you break it down, I didn't go completely off the deep end today ... maybe I needed to ease myself back in. I'm actually still hoping that somehow that scale will give me good news tomorrow.
And I need to fucking start exercising. I enjoy walking, and should start doing it first thing when I wake up. And as soon as the employee gym reopens, I'll hit that after my shift ends at 5am. Shouldn't be too many people there to see my fat ass trying to jog on a machine.
I'm gonna go eat my little pizza things and then do my best to get rid of them. This is not a good cycle right now.
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