first bite

Well, fuck. I messed up today. I had half a chocolate chip cookie early in the night, so in an attempt to make up for it, I only ate about half of my breakfast sandwich (let's round up to make that like 120 cals instead of 210). Great work, right? Then, my favorite co-worker gave me a giant peanut butter cup cookie. Fuck. Honestly, I didn't even TRY to resist. I just did it, without thinking. I ate about 1/3 of that giant cookie. THEN of course suddenly my sweet tooth is like, "YES, THAT. MORE!" So I had six Robin Eggs and five peanut M&Ms. I wanted more, way more, but I fought the voice that said, "Well, you've fucked up now. Just keep going." Fuck that voice.

So with these cookies it's hard to calculate calories, but doing some calorie counting tells me that those cookie portions and chocolate candies put me up a whopping 380 calories over my 450 limit. Jesus Christ. I need to remember: If I have one bite of a treat, I will want more. I will somehow need more. But if I don't take that first bite, I feel that moment of triumph and can hold on to that.

I want to continue SGD, so I'm going to do what I did the other day when I messed up: adjust the following day. I don't know how important it is to strictly follow the calorie limits of each day. I mean, what if I want to fast in the middle of SGD? It seems like that should be acceptable. As long as you are keeping calorie counts low and alternating your allowance for each day to trick your body ...

Anyway, tomorrow is my first day off after a loooooong workweek. I plan on drinking. I have already calculated that if I have three cocktails and three shots, I'll probably be looking at 350 calories. I'm allowed 650 for tomorrow ... I won't be eating before going to the bar ... I will try not to eat at all tomorrow, but I figured it'd be best to save any possible calories until AFTER I drink (when I'll want to eat everything on the planet).

Oh, weigh-in was 142.2 -- down another 1.1 from yesterday. I won't be able to weigh myself again until Sunday, which might be a good thing. I'm hoping to see some encouraging results ... as long as I have a strong weekend.

ready to share

I wish I would have taken photos when I started, but I just didn't feel comfortable about it. Here I am, fatty at 143 pounds. My posture may not be so great in the last one, but whatever. I'm fat.

maxed out

Day 5 (450)

Lunch:
Fruit salad - apple, pear, raspberry (0)
Salad with bell pepper and carrot (0)
Italian dressing (37.5)
Half sandwich thin (50)
Deli ham (60)
Greek yogurt (80)
1/3 tbs Cool Whip (3.3)

Dinner plan:
Breakfast sandwich (210)
Banana (0)

Total: 440.8

I really like to max out my calorie limits, don't I? That was the biggest lunch I've had in quite a while and it definitely shut up my grumbling stomach. I still feel like I could eat a LOT more, but I won't. I'll have plenty of energy for the first half of my workday. And I know my little breakfast sandwich isn't the healthiest thing, but hey, if I'm gonna make it through this diet, I need to allow myself to have some low-cal junk.

Looking forward to checking the scale before dinner (about seven hours from now). I really hope my successful day yesterday will be reflected there.

Next step: I need to start exercising. Restricting will only get me so far. I have a three-day weekend starting tomorrow and the plan is to walk at least an hour each of those days. And I'm gonna call our employee health department and figure out how I can get access to the employee-only gym so I can start getting real workouts after my shift is over.

Still feeling good!

meeting goals

I ended the day with almost exactly 300 calories. It would have been 278, but my co-worker gave me a 3 Musketeers mini, which are fucking 56 calories each. I couldn't do that to myself. I took a tiny bite (probably 1/4 of it) and almost took another bite, but my brain screamed at me, THROW IT AWAY. So I did, immediately. That tiny bite alone was like 14 calories. I had 22 to spare after lunch/dinner, so hey, I reached my goal of 300 with 8 calories to spare. Hah. I did it! I ate 200 calories fewer than what was "allowed" today. I think that evens me out from yesterday. 

For lunch I had this Luna fruit-filled chocolate fiber bar and it was soooo effing good. I'm definitely going to get more of those. 110 calories - not bad for something that basically tastes like a cookie, yet is much healthier and more filling.

When I weighed myself before dinner, I was at 143.3. I've lost 1.1 pounds for the past three days in a row. Creeping down to my lowest weight since my mental breakdown ...

I went grocery shopping after work and only bought low-cal items (except for shelled peanuts for baseball games). Honestly, it was one of the first times that I wasn't tempted by bad things. When I was checking out, there were these two girls behind me and I looked at what they were buying ... chips, treats, giant blocks of cheese ... and guess what? These chicks were fat. I wouldn't touch what they were buying with a 10-foot pole.

It was also one of the first times that I didn't even consider eating any of my food when I got home. We all know how hard it is to go grocery shopping while hungry. I was licking my lips as I was putting the food away. But I did put it away. I never eat past 1 a.m. and never eat before 3 p.m. I see this as a 12-plus-hour fast every day. I ain't breaking that and eating right before I go to bed. Hell no.

I've lost 12 pounds in 23 days. I'm hoping this speeds up a little more ... I am definitely more disciplined now than I was during any previous attempt, so I am confident.

I will look good in that bridesmaid's dress this summer. I will.

make-up day

Well, like I said, yesterday wasn't very successful. I'm going to cut out 200 calories today in hopes of making up for yesterday. I can't guarantee that I won't up that 100 calories, depending how the work night goes and if I need more energy. I bought a new diet pill today (Ketone RX), so hopefully that will take care of the energy factor. I also took a multivitamin ... that is something I need to be more disciplined about. I've always had problems getting recommended doses of vitamins and minerals, so I know that I'm extreeeemely low while on SGD.

Day 4 (500)

Lunch:
Fruit salad - apple, raspberry, pear (0)
Half sandwich thin (50)
Veggie burger (110)
Mustard (10)

Dinner plan:
Luna fiber bar (110)

Total: 280

If I need something more substantial for lunch, I'll have one of those tasty breakfast sandwiches (210). That would keep me under 400. I am going to try my damndest to reach my goal of 300.

misstep

Not the best day. With drinks and snacks (not all unhealthy) at work, I definitely surpassed 400. Probably more like 700-800. I feel like garbage. Lately, when I falter and eat something I know I shouldn't, my stomach gets pissed. I feel like puking every fucking time.

Tomorrow's supposed to be 500 calories but I think I'll try for 300 or 400 to make up for today. I just need enough to get me through what will probably be another long night at work. I definitely didn't lose control today; I turned down a bunch of junk food and fought the desire for a big sandwich after getting tipsy.

Here's to a new day.

Oh, but at the end of the day, I weighed in at 144.4, which is down 1.1 from yesterday. Let's keep this up.

cake: 0, me: 1

So at work tonight I ripped a tortilla in half and added a small serving of carnita-style pork with a little salsa. I calculated that at 130 calories. Then I had six tortilla chips with about a spoonful of salsa con queso at about 100 calories, giving me about 20 calories to spare. It was a girl's birthday, so there were TWO chocolate cakes in the break room. I wanted a slice SOOOO badly. I gave myself a forkful (with no frosting), chewed a bit and spit it out. I also chewed up about 1/3 of a Peep and spit that out, too. I don't really know how to add those calories. I spent the next couple of hours unable to think about anything but that fucking cake. I told myself, "Wait an hour and then maybe you can have some." An hour passes and I tell myself to wait again. Repeat, repeat ... and I made it to the end of my workday without eating the cake :) It was NOT easy but I am so fucking proud of myself for not screwing up on only the second day of SGD. I thought about switching calorie days around so I could have the cake, but I didn't. Who would have thought that I didn't need to?! Seriously so so so happy. So, we'll say I hit pretty much exactly the 300 calories I was allowed today.

And the scale made me even happier. I waited till the end of my shift (about 3.5 hours after lunch) to weigh myself ................. 145.5!!!!!!!! This is down 1.4 since yesterday and holy shit it's the lowest I've been in YEARS. When I did the first two weeks of ABC back in January, my lowest was 147.

145.5!!!!!!

My reward for not eating that damn cake was the number on the scale. And THAT is the sweetest thing I could ever give to my body :)