fat daze

ugh. there is a reason i stopped drinking. i felt so fucking fat this morning. my gut was sticking out like a white trash beer belly. i shouldn't have gotten on the scale, but i did. i'm going to ignore it for today and hope that extra pound was whiskey/water weight that i will drop. i can't do that again. i felt so disgusting, i can't even describe it.

oh, and it turns out the particular brand of whiskey i drink (powers irish whiskey) is 69 calories a shot. i had five drinks last night. awful, awful, awful. and i feel drained and have to get my shit together to leave town after work in the morning so i won't be getting any exercise at all today.

i'm a disaster. and my self-prescribed "fat days" haven't even begun yet.

drrrrrrrrrrrrunk

i'm drunk. i haven't had that much to drink in like ... a long time. and i would love to eat my entire box of reduced fat cheez-its. but i will not break my NO FOOD after 6pm rule.

hard-ass bitch.

ladies in waiting

it feels like it's been forever, but i guess it really hasn't. haven't felt like reading or writing, i guess.

but just because you haven't heard from me doesn't mean i've been slipping. :) in fact, this morning the scale made me downright giddy. i've lost another 1.4 pounds, bringing me to 154.4. i have been doing well at restricting and continuing to walk at least a couple of miles a day.

but on sunday i'm going home (three hours from where i live now), and while my parents know i've been trying to eat healthy and whatnot, they will likely take me out to dinner. (i'm both secretly hoping they take me to red lobster and praying they don't.) and then on monday my girlfriends from high school and i are all getting together for a day/night in san francisco. i'm driving home, where two of them still live, and the three of us will drive to s.f. to meet up with our other friend, who is visiting from new york. it was all her idea to get the four of us together for the first time in ... shit, it's possible that it's the first time we've ALL been together since high school. that's ... a loooong time! i'm completely broke, but my dearest friend said the trip wouldn't be complete without me, so she's paying for my food, drinks, entertainment while we're there. :)

needless to say, i'm super excited about spending quality time with the old gals, but of course dreading the knowledge that i WILL overconsume (food and alcohol!) and will NOT be able to purge a bit of it. but you know what? i have been so so so good for almost four weeks now, without any calorie-heavy days to speak of. part of the reason i haven't given myself any free passes was because i knew this mini-vacation was coming. so, for those couple of days, i'm going to make smart(er) choices (than i would in the past) but i'm not going to be obsessive. i can't promise i won't feel guilty about it once i get home and back to my routine though ;p

aaaaaaaaaanyway, i was all paranoid about this potluck at work tomorrow but they've rescheduled it for next wednesday, one of my days off. so that's a plus, for sure. so i'll be good until sunday when i arrive at my parents' ... except tomorrow evening i will likely head to the bar for a drink or two and to watch part of the ballgame. who knows, it could turn out like the other night, in which i played more than two hours straight of ping-pong. hah. but i always factor the whiskey calories into my day anyway.

i feel like this is an ultra bore ramble session. anyway, the moral of the story is i'm gonna be fat this weekend. hah! ya'll be good to make up for my transgressions ok? :)

one more thing, because i didn't have anyone else with whom to share: today i wore this bright green polo shirt that has been my poochy belly's enemy for months now ... when i tried it on this morning, looked in the mirror and puffed my belly out as far as i could ... a liiiittle tiny tummy bump, barely visible. i cannot tell you how great i felt in my body today. i haven't felt that way in ages. and it's only going to get better :)




love love love

walk walk walk walk

sorry if all the little posts are annoying. it helps keep me going.

so this morning i walked 2.6 miles, got dexatrim max (which is treating me right today) and some sugar-free candy. also a new flavor or orbit gum, strawberry remix or something. super yummy.

breakfast:
yogurt (80)
rice cake (35)

snack:
two werther's candies (16)
eight grapes (15? 20?)

probably going to have a veggie burger (with bun - 200) as dinner before i head down to the bar for happy hour. so i will have empty intake there (each shot of whiskey is 50 calories), but my friend is going down with me and i made her promise to play some ping-pong with me in case there are no other opponents. so, i'll be burning more on the walk there/home (1.2 miles total) and hopefully get in about an hour of playing time. i just need to get out of the house, and my friend has been begging me to hang out for, like, at least a week. should be fun :)




love

chipping away

well, it ain't much, but i will SO take it!

-.4, ladies :)

here's to another good day, for all of us. stay strong.




love

every day is exactly the same

it's my friday night ... not that it's very different from any other. i suppose i'm awake a little later than usual :p

honestly i just want to go to sleep so i can wake up and weigh myself ... i FEEL different every day, but the scale thus far is not really reflecting that. every day is exactly the same, save for the ONE where i lost 2.2 pounds. now it has just stayed there.

because i'm not walking to work tomorrow, i've decided to walk to the coin shop and turn in these silver quarters i found. four of them, each worth six bucks (score!). thennnn i plan to walk to walgreens and use that money to get a new bottle of diet pills. i've already burned through most of this slimquick bottle and honestly i don't think it's doing anything for me.

thank god tomorrow is my only day off again (picked up another six-hour shift on wednesday). i dread the hunger and boredom of a day stuck at home, just me and my cat. so i'm going to do my best to keep myself out of the apartment as much as possible tomorrow. truthfully, i wish i had a few extra bucks to go to the bar and play some ping-pong tomorrow. i am so lonely and i feel like the less and less time i spend socializing, the more anti-social i am becoming. oh well. it's probably for the best. right now, my weight is my top and really only priority. i need to focus or i will fall off track.

hope ya'll have a wonderful tuesday. stay strong.




love

mind over matter

so i figured i should write now, right after work ... rather than coming home, scarfing "dinner" and then staaaaring at the clock waiting for it to be 6 so i really know my eating time is up. instead, i had a little food when i got home (half a sandwich thin and like 1/3 of a piece of deli chicken, total 61cal) and will have my last meal of the day (probably a plain veggie burger, no bread, no nothing) in a little bit. doing the blog routine works wonders on moving time along :)

so far today ...

breakfast:

coffee w/creamer (30)

popcorn (100)

lunch:

yogurt (80)

snacks:

that "sandwich" i mentioned (61)

walked to work and home, which equals 26 minutes or 1.4 miles. 

walked 22 minutes during lunch break, probably another 1.2 miles.

i have been trying to find an estimate for how many calories these walks burn for me, but every site i read gives me different numbers. and i know it has a lot to do with speed as well. i am not sauntering on these walks. i am walking very briskly. so, based on what i've read, the walking i did today is anywhere from 150-325 calories ... ugh. a bit broad! anyway, i actually use the lower number because honestly, the more i believe i burn the more likely i am to use that as an excuse to have more calories. as we all know, this whole process is 99 percent mind over matter. so telling myself i haven't burned very many calories helps me restrict my intake.

so with the veggie burger for dinner (100), i will be at 371. nice! haven't had a day other than my fasting day below 400 in the past week, so i'm happy with that.

aaaaaaaaand i've made it to 4:30 without starting my burger yet. :)

back in business

ended the 40-hour fast with an apple this morning, then some frozen grapes. restricting calories doesn't seem so bad after not eating at all :) i'm sooooo looking forward to a nice salad in a little bit.

.... i have nothing to say, really. i'm pretty tired i guess.




love

non-model thinspiration

i am crazy about one tree hill, and have watched most of the seasons through like a hundred times. :) hilarie burton is a major thinspiration. love her. today i'm watching as many episodes as possible to pass the time and stay inspired!

36-hour fast

i'm doing a water fast today, so i think i'm actually going to stay away from the blogs because i don't want to read anything about food!

have a wonderful saturday, ya'll! stay strong :)



love

hard work pays off

i only have a minute but i had to share.

2.2 pounds lost in less than 24 hours! finally!

hope ya'll are doing well too. will catch up on your blogs later today :)



love

ooooohhh yeahhh

walked briskly to/from the bar: 30 mins total
had only two whiskeys over three hours' time: 100cal total
played seven VERY competitive (and sweaty!) games of ping-pong against three opponents: lost track of time, but maybe 60-65 minutes all told?

feeling GREAT! (but up wayyyy past my bedtime)




by the way, i won five out of the seven games :) still got it!


love

draining

so i'm supposed to meet a friend at the bar later this evening. so i think, well, i should actually get something in my stomach for the whiskey to land on. drinking whiskey on an empty stomach is a guaranteed morning dry-heave session for me. so, i create this roughly 520-calorie grilled pizza sandwich thingie ... the most i've eaten in one meal in two weeks. it was good; i ain't gonna lie. and i made sure not to finish the thing. but the moment i threw it in the garbage, my mind just starts racing about all the work i've put in and all the restricting i've done and the hour of walking today, wasted. so, to the bathroom. bye-bye! honestly i felt better once i got it out of me. the thought of that much food ... ugh.

i was pmsing hard-core today, and for god knows what reason started my period two days early. i have started my period on sunday nights every month since i was 16 years old. so now i'm annoyed with that. i am grumpy as hell and completely drained. but i'm supposed to socialize tonight. i can't not go. i used to be a barfly but have only been there ONCE for ONE whiskey in the past two weeks. i miss it, i do. i miss my "friends" there and i miss watching the giants (baseball) games while sipping down a whiskey ginger or three. but, for obvious reasons, the every-other-day visits to the bar had to stop. it's a weird lifestyle change, and it's hard to adjust.

but yes, i WANT to go tonight because my friend promised to bring me a norco or two (he broke his ankle last month). that should help with the grumpiness and cramps this weekend :) also, the walk down there and home would be another 25 minutes of walking AND for good measure, i'll play a few games of ping-pong (it's a very competitive sport at the bar and since last summer i've become one of the players to beat :)

wow, i thought i was gonna keep this short when i started. oh well.

stay strong, friends. and thank you for not only your direct support, but the inspiration i get every day from reading your blogs. <3

a little high

6:01pm :)

allowed myself a few extras today, and ended with an intake around 650.

walked to work and home again, so thats 30 minutes total.

and during my lunch break, i set my alarm to halfway through the break and just walked until the alarm went off, then turned around and walked back. so that's another 30 minutes of walking, and it was sweaty! it was quite warm today. anyway, my plan is to spend my lunch breaks just walking from now on. there's no reason not to. i just ate my "lunch" right after i clocked back in (it's a relatively casual environment; easy for snacking).

so i'm feeling good today. had a lot lot lot more energy today than i've had at any point in the past two weeks. i'm sure it had a lot to do with being active, something that i normally have not been lately. but when i got on the scale this morning and saw that i haven't lost ANYTHING in two days, i panicked. it's time for the real work to begin.

looking forward to another beautiful day tomorrow and another hour of walking.

i am slightly dreading the fact that my co-worker said she's bringing us gummy worms tomorrow. but i've been good and i will continue to be good. i'll just have a couple! :)

close call

it is 6:02. i made it. i never eat past 6 pm, so the day is done for me. ended at roughly 550 calories. whew.

fight this feeling

only worked six hours today, and got home a little while ago. i walked today, partially because i have no gas money and also because when i woke up the sun was shining so i had no excuses to not walk to work!

at work i had a shitload of green tea, 20 grapes (80), a rice cake (40) and a bag of popcorn (100), putting me at about 220 by 1 pm. yikes. but i really needed it to get through the extra day of work.

just fixed myself a veggie burger on half a sandwich thin (150) and chugged a diet cola with it. that should trick my tummy for a little while as i try to push out this horrible feeling that i'm going to binge today.

i haven't binged in more than a week, and my highest intake in the past week was like 700. i am really proud of that, so i really really really need to get past this feeling. i just need to get through today. tomorrow is another day. i still have some sort of dinner to look forward to, as i'm only at 370 for the day.

to try to get through this feeling, i've allowed myself to "binge" on grapes since i got home. i'm just grabbing one whenever i feel like it. i figure it's a lot safer than what might happen if i dont keep myself satiated :) so far, i dunno, i've eaten an extra six grapes or so. nothing too scary!

hope ya'll are staying stronger than me today, and thanks again for the support, my wonderful two followers! :)

shoulda known

....not to trust my cheap-ass new scale. now it says i'm 163.2. that makes more sense, honestly. seven pounds in my first two weeks sounds a lot more realistic than 12 :(

a good day

intake:
13 grapes: 45ish

veggie burger with half a sandwich thin: 150

spinach/lettuce/bell pepper salad with 1tbsp of italian dressing and half-slice of deli chicken: 55ish

rice cake: 40

cool whip: 10

total: 300 :)

today was easy. yay!

new diet pill

so i am trying my second diet pill today: slimquick ultra. took the first one about an hour ago, and i am happy to say that it quieted my stomach's grumbling quite a bit. i woke up at 6:30 this morning, it is almost 11:30 and all i've eaten is four grapes, coupled with about four glasses of water already :)

i am definitely still hungry, but i'm going to do my best to put off lunch until 1pm.

it begins

bought a scale this morning. things look better than i thought. 158.4.

no, 158.4 is not good, i know this. but considering two weeks ago i am almost certain i was 170 pounds ... i am off to a decent start. 170 is disgusting. 170 is not acceptable. that is the highest i've ever been in my life, and i will not go back there. i just got lazy, bored, hopeless ... so i ate. and ate. and ate.

no more of that bullshit. no fucking more.

keeping pace

managed to keep my intake below 450 today. had at least 10 glasses of water and probably 10-15 cups of green tea.

tomorrow is my "saturday" and actually asked if i could work an extra day this week and the boss ok'd it. so tomorrow is my only day off this week, thank god, because i hate being home all day. all i think about is food and when i can eat next. at least when i'm at work i'm distracted and can limit what i eat by only bringing a couple of things from home.

still not exercising. it's amazing the amount of motivation i have been able to muster to restrict, but i still lack the motivation to move my fat ass. if it's not raining tomorrow i think i'm going to walk to target or somewhere to get more diet pills. i also need a scale, and soon. i am dying to know what i weigh right now.

today's intake:
bag of popcorn (100)

veggie burger + sandwich thin (200)
rice cakes (70)

spinach/lettuce salad w/half-slice of deli chicken and tbsp of dressing (50)
2tbsp cool whip (15)

been reading SO many blogs. they are insanely helpful not only for inspiration but just to kill time :)

another day down

had a yummy salad for dinner:
spinach and lettuce (i'm horrible at judging the calories in salad greens ... probably 20-30cal?)
1tbsp of fat-free italian dressing (7.5)
half a slice of low-fat deli chicken (17.5)

and for dessert, a tablespoon of fat-free cool whip (7.5)

earlier today had a couple rice cakes (70) and a yogurt (80), tons and tons of water, three cans of diet cola.

so with lunch, i'm around 415 cals today. i can't guarantee i won't have another rice cake though! so we'll just say 450 for the whole day. i wanted to keep it just under 400, but it's difficult on these days where i do nothing but dick around on the internet at home.

but i'm making progress every day. every day it's this challenge to figure out how to space out my meals and snacks, and how low i can keep my intake. i think i'm doing pretty well considering i'm pretty new to this :)

hot lunch

ahhhhhhh ... just got done eating lunch. a veggie burger on a multigrain sandwich thin (with no condiments of any sort). 200 calories. so so good. i had been thinking about it all morning at work, and last night had trouble falling asleep because i was so hungry and it was all i could think about. my main weakness is actually pretty broad: hot food. i eat so many little snacks, mostly veggies and fruits and a few dry things here and there, that i just CRAVE hot food. that used to mean chicken, pizza, scrambled eggs ... yuck, the thought of all that makes my stomach turn. but this veggie burger hit the spot, without being total junk. i guess when you starve yourself for days, you get less picky :)

week one

just went through the long process of creating a new gmail address
to create a new blogger account
to subscribe to some ana blogs
and create my own outlet

i was able to pass at least 30 minutes without thinking about how hungry i am. yay.

so this will be an interesting experiment ... i am not ready to post my weight, because i'm a born-again ana and grossly embarrassed by how far i've let myself go.

but today i learned i NEED support. i need to read what others eat every day. and i need to be able to share this experience, in some small way, with others.

i'm a little too tired to write any more right now. i need to read some blogs.