Thursday, January 31, 2013


Well, I had to eat today. Maybe not as much as I did, but I had to. I went to a tattoo appointment and nearly passed out just standing up for 30 seconds. Even when I sat down I was worried about passing out. I feel kind of sick after eating that food, especially because I had a binge day so quickly into the diet. But I do need to stay alive. I'm wondering if I should do the double-ABC diet to keep myself going. I haven't been getting much sleep lately and that's affecting me as well. I took on an extra shift tonight and I'm already wishing I hadn't. I am so tired and feel so weak. I just want to lie in bed for the next two days. I guess that'll have to start tomorrow.

I feel shitty ... I feel like that one large meal alone knocked me up five pounds. Gross.

Hope anyone out there is doing better.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


So, all told, it was 41 hours of fasting (unless you count the 5-calorie piece of gum and the 8 calories of candy). I immediately went to the store when I woke up and bought some more deli ham and some tortillas with which to wrap the meat. That's it for me today, except for the few calories I'll have from gum at work tonight.

It's amazing how, after fasting, 140 calories at once manages to "fill" me up. I feel more awake and energetic already. I dunno how I'll feel come dinnertime without anything to eat. But I needed a big lunch.

It's funny, because on Monday I realized that I hadn't had a bowel movement in probably a week or more. I couldn't even remember how long. But after I ate my frozen pizza, I had one. Then I had another the next morning and another when I woke up today (after the fast even!). Definitely a relief.

I'm nearing two weeks of ABC and feeling good, feeling proud. I really hope I can keep it up at least for another couple of weeks before I go home and family/friends will be seeing me eat. I switched a couple of days this week to give myself 400 on Super Bowl Sunday, which means 250 on Friday. I'm sure I will actually surpass 400 on Sunday, but I will be as good as possible considering all the whiskey-waters I'll be drinking and the endless amazing food temptations. It will be very difficult, to say the least. I hope that doesn't make all my progress for naught. I'll be good up till Sunday and I'll be good in the days after ... that has to count for something?

Today's my Friday and it's going to be a long, tough weekend. I'll need to drink a shit-ton of tea and try to sleep as much as possible to pass the time. Depending on the weather, maybe I'll take a nice drive to a beach out of town ... maybe one where I can hunt for agates.

Not sure if anybody reads this anymore (I doubt it), but best wishes to all! Stay strong.

ups and downs

Well, I made it through fasting day. Technically I guess I'm still going. It was 24 hours from midnight to midnight ... I actually did chew ONE piece of gum before I made it to 24 hours, but I had to. I stupidly took diet pills on an empty stomach which led to me vomiting quite profusely. I was at work with vomit mouth, so there's 5 calories from the gum. I think that's acceptable though!

At midnight, I let myself have three York peppermint pieces (10 calories to start my 150 day today). I just got home from work and will be going to bed soon, so I won't actually complete my fast until I wake up tomorrow. Which, if you don't count those small calorie intakes, will make my fast about 39-40 hours. Crazy.

I made it through work fine, other than the bad trip from the diet pills. They made me shaky and dizzy, but once I puked, I was able to make it through the rest of the day easily.

I weighed myself three times tonight, and each time it gave me something different. First it said I was up .6 pounds, then like an hour later it said I was actually down .4, then a few hours later, it said I had lost an entire pound on my fast day. Who knows ... but I liked the lowest number best -- 147.1. We'll see what it has to say tomorrow. Then I'm off work for five days (including Super Bowl Sunday, yikes) so I won't be able to see my progress for that long. I'm mostly just worried about the long weekend because that's a lot of time at home and I know I'll be hungry the whole damn time.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

first fast

It was a good day. Down .3 pounds since last night. Rrrrrrreally enjoyed my frozen pizza for lunch. Kept my count at exactly 400.

The fast started at midnight and, with how my work schedule is, will probably end up being more like a 36-hour fast. I'll be sleeping through a lot of it and working through the rest, so I'm hoping for the best. I didn't chew any gum after midnight, so I've had terrible breath and a dry mouth all night, but I avoided those few calories and stuck with it. :)

Work kicked my ass tonight ... you'd think the lack of food would make that difficult to bear and drain my energy, but I gotta tell you, I feel like my energy is up since I started ABC. I feel light and quick and maybe the increasing confidence gives me that extra little pep to get through these busy nights.

I expect this to change quickly, as the calorie counts are just going to drop in the next couple of weeks. I'm taking a multivitamin every day though. I've always wondered if those things really work at all. But it's better than nothing.

I'm gonna go sleep like a baby now.

Monday, January 28, 2013

can't fight this feeling

I was pretty much super excited to go to work tonight because I hadn't checked my weight since Thursday night. I wanted to check it right away, but I knew I needed to let my lunch digest a bit first. So I waited until about 4.5 hours into my shift and ...

I lost 6.1 pounds in those three days! I cannot tell you how fucking thrilled I was. Even that cupcake couldn't diminish my hard work this weekend.

I'm below 150 for the first time in probably three years. Since I started restricting (20 days ago), I've lost a total 11.4 pounds. 6.7 of that was during my first week of ABC. Not a bad start! 

But still, I'm fucking fat. My shirts fit a lot better now, but my love handles are nowhere near improved. I want to be able to feel my hip bones again. That feeling will be so great.

In all honesty, though, I am very happy that tomorrow is a 400 day. That means I can take a "lean" frozen pizza for my dinner break at work. Yummmmy! I need something a little more substantial before going into the fast. I am nervous about the fast, for sure. I hope I don't get too weak or tired. Also, a fast day means I can't chew gum during the second half of my shift. :p And normally I chew quite a bit of gum at work. But they're 5 calories apiece, so no go. I'll just have to drink more water to keep my mouth from getting bored.

I am so happy about my progress and I don't want to lose this feeling. I haven't felt this good about my body in three years ... and it's only going to get better.

Sunday, January 27, 2013


Well, I had to leave the party before things went any further downhill. I ate half a breadstick, a bacon-wrapped date, one slice of red bell pepper and ... a fucking cupcake. I could have at least cut that goddamn cupcake in half, but I lost control. I also had three cocktails.

Obviously I surpassed 300 today. I actually surpassed 500 by like 20-30 calories. It's hard to really get exact numbers on calorie counts when half of the stuff is homemade, but let's try (based on my calorie counter app and online resources).

Less than half bacon slice: 20 (ish, but that seems too low to me)
One small date: 23
Half breadstick: 35 (ish)
Slice of bell pepper: 1
Three whiskey shots: 166 (ish)
Yellow cupcake with white icing: 250 (ish)

Well, by those estimates, I came out at 495. My calorie counter app says like 524. It's hard for me to believe that half a slice of bacon is only 20 calories. That seems wayyyy too low.

So this means that tomorrow will have to be my 300 day and Monday will be my 400 before I fast on Tuesday. I feel slightly guilty ... mostly about that cupcake, but goddamn it was good. I haven't had a sweet treat like that in I don't know how long. And believe me, I wanted a second cupcake. I also stared at the last half-breadstick on the table and thought, that could be mine ... but I resisted. I left. I was probably the first to leave. I couldn't handle the temptation of more drinks (which would make me want more food). So I left when I thought I might spiral out of control.

I'm glad I took that walk today, to lessen the blow of all those evil foods. Hopefully that made up for at least a tiny fraction of my transgressions.

Tomorrow will be easy to stick to my number. Workdays are always easy to restrict. And like I said, I am super excited to check my weight tomorrow. I really hope I'm not disappointed because I expect greatness.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

feeling good

Took a little walk today. My knee is finally feeling better so I figured I better get started, especially because it was a sunny day. Cold, but sunny. Burned about 135 calories I guess. I knew I'd get a bit warm from the brisk walk, so I put on my favorite old pair of jeans (which are basically ripped to shreds), which are a size 8. Not long ago, I was a 12. I'm still wearing my 12s because I just fucking bought all these pants within the past year. My belt keeps going up a notch or two. Maybe after my tax return comes I'll get new pants. It will be motivation to stick with this. I don't like wasting money, so I do NOT want to outgrow new pants.

So I haven't eaten anything yet today; saving it all for the party later. And actually, I feel fine. My hunger pangs have subsided in the past couple of days. I know I'm hungry, but my tummy is not yelling at me so much. I can't decide what to give myself today, though. I've read about ABC dieters switching days when they know they'll be eating with other people, so I could give myself 500 today and do 300 on Monday instead. I don't know. I mean, I'll try to be good, but if I end up going overboard, as long as I stay at 500 I can make up for it in a couple of days. But I want to be strong enough to do 300 as the schedule says.

In conclusion, I'm feeling good. It was good to get some exercise and I'm proud of myself for making it through the first week of ABC. I have to congratulate myself on each step in hopes that it will help me stick with it. I can't wait to weigh myself tomorrow. I'm only using the professional scale at the hospital so I haven't weighed myself since Thursday. I feel like I look different ... also, when I weighed myself last week I had just gotten my period. So water weight and all that was surely a factor in my weigh-in.

I better get ready for this party. And I will be smart and strong!

playing chicken

Whose bright idea was it to watch "Top Chef"?

wrapped in worry

A lot of writing today, but I need something to pass the time. I still need to wait a few hours before I go to bed (my graveyard work shift means a weird sleep schedule) and I'm not exactly hungry, but I think that's because I've been doing things to keep my mind distracted.

So Thursday was a bad day, Friday was a good day and Saturday will be a challenge. I'm going to a sort of housewarming party that I've been looking forward to for a while. Of course I knew there'd be booze, but the hostess just sent out a note saying she's got tons of snacks and things wrapped in bacon ... good god. I don't know how I'm gonna do it. Fucking bacon. Glorious, terrible bacon. I would say, "have just one" ... but as we all know, that's a dangerous slip that, if you're not careful, will turn into a fall. And as much as I love drinking, I've been thinking about not doing so at the party, which would actually weird people out more than the no-bacon thing. But jesus, man, 50-60 calories per shot? Drinking used to be something I looked forward to, something that relaxed me. Now I just sip on those drinks and count the calories up and up and up. I mean, I can just make myself a whiskey and water and nurse that baby all night. Then that would give me a little bit of breathing room for a couple SMALL snacks. I'm going to try not to eat at all before the party tomorrow. I'll save my calories for the party. It might be nice to eat something other than the stupid sandwiches and salads and popcorn I've been eating lately.

But I will stay in control. I will be aware of everything that touches my lips. I will ponder every decision as if it were life or death. I will treat myself but I will not destroy my progress. I will stay away from all of the snacks for as long as possible. I'll want something the moment I get there, but I'll tell myself to wait a half-hour ... an hour ... keep waiting, keep fighting. I am stronger than bacon.

Friday, January 25, 2013

the little things

Quick note: This e-cigarette is EXTREMELY helpful in keeping me away from food. I am definitely one of those oral-fixation people, but at least I have something other than food in my mouth!

That's what she said. Hey-oh!

day six

So yesterday was the big blind date. I did what I needed to do: only ate a salad. I got a large salad so it wouldn't look too suspicious (but then ended up "taking home" the other half). Vinaigrette dressing, of course. Only water to drink. I stared across the table at his lemon-garlic seasoned fries, trying to pay attention to whatever the hell he was saying but just thinking to myself, "Maybe just ONE. One wouldn't hurt." That voice, that statement is very dangerous, because honestly it's true. One french fry would not kill me. However, one french fry might lead to two might lead to three might lead to binge. So I just stared longingly, licking my lips.

I know for some of the more hardcore, long-term Anas this is nothing, but it's a lot for me. I'm already doing way better than my attempt the last time. The last time I gave in to more temptations, I let myself off too easily when I knew I shouldn't be eating some things. Which, obviously, ended with me giving up entirely. But this time around, I need to have faith in self-control. I need to believe I am stronger. I need to trust myself to be smart, aware and to know what is best for me. This is as much a psychological experiment as it is a diet habit. I really feel like I could come out of this thing a totally different person.

Anyway, after lunch we went out for drinks (probably a total of 250 calories, unfortunately). I pretty much knew from the lunch date that I wouldn't be able to hit the ABC day 5 limit of 100. I don't really know how that works; is the occasional fuck-up day OK or does one have to restart the whole thing? I'm just gonna go with it, knowing full well that when I go home to visit my parents/friends in three weeks it's going to be damn hard to restrict. My parents always take me out to dinner for some absurd fried food or giant Cobb salad or pizza or whatever ... I don't know how I'm going to get out of it. If I tell them my appetite has diminished, they're going to worry that it's related to the bipolar meds I take. A couple of the days, I can be like, "Oh I'm eating at Ann's," and then tell Ann, "Oh I ate with my parents." But Ann and I (and her boyfriend) are going to an electronic show in San Francisco that weekend, and Ann and I ALWAYS stop at this one restaurant, where we get a salad bar and split a pizza. I guess it won't be too hard to get out of the pizza thing. But I do need to have something in my stomach, as there will be much dancing and perhaps drugs at the show. I will, of course, stay hydrated with plenty of water :)

So basically I just have to make my trip home as short as possible. I actually made it a six-day weekend but that's way too long to be home. So I'll probably spend the first two or three days at home, keeping myself on the diet.

I'm not losing as quickly as I would like, but I know it's because I am not exercising in the least bit. I can't really blame it on the rain; the weather has not been terrible. I did, however, fall on my right knee a week ago and am still limping a bit. I actually had a doctor check it out, got on antibiotics to prevent infection ... will be done with those soon enough (can't wait).

So, yeah, I've been limping around work just trying to do my job, I can't exactly be out there power-walking right now. But the moment that pain goes away, I know what I have to do. I'm on this path and I need to follow it till the end. I need to stay as strong as I am right now. I can do this.

Weekends are already proving to be harder (I work 10-hour graveyard shifts Sunday-Wednesday, with Thursday, Friday and Saturday off). It's super easy to not eat at work, obviously! I'm grateful that my first fast day will be on a workday. I've accidentally fasted on workdays before, hah.

Today's limit: 200 calories

Half sandwich thin (50)
Three slices of lean deli chicken (25)

1 cup mixed greens, 1 slice of bell pepper (17.5)
10 salad spritzes (10) -- How did I not know about these before???

Second dinner:
Half sandwich thin (50)
Three slices of lean deli chicken (25)

Total: 177.5 calories

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

my return

Obviously I fell off the wagon pretty quickly. I don't really have any excuse for it ... just laziness, depression, laziness, loneliness, laziness, endless boredom. I'm going to leave that all behind and start from scratch here.
It all (re-)started just before the new year. I got sick; probably not the flu but definitely worse than your average cold. I was basically laid up in bed for seven days. I was just trying to sleep, sleep, sleep the sickness away, so I didn't get out of bed much, which means I didn't go to the kitchen much. Once it was (mostly) gone, I realized, "Shit, I had to have lost at least five pounds this week." Next thought: "Well you did promise yourself you'd lose weight for your little brother's wedding this summer. Roll with it." And finally -- "Let's do this."

So, I've basically been restricting for a few weeks, but this week I decided to make it for real. I started the ABC diet on Sunday and it's fine so far (although I read it will be hell soon enough). Been able to stay within my limits; in fact, today was 400 and it was actually difficult to eat that much. I could've easily done 200-300. Tomorrow, though, I'm worried. It's supposed to be a 100 day but I have a blind date who is taking me out to lunch. I already told him I'm only going to eat a salad, that normally I don't eat that early in the day so I'm not hungry blahblahblah. Who knows how many calories my salad will have, but at least it's just a salad. 

Work has been tough tonight. Not like the actual WORK part of work, but there have been too many temptations in my 10-hour workday. Everyone here knows how much I love candy and chocolate and cookies and the like ... first, I was given a bag full of probably 10 Hershey's Kisses and a handful of York peppermint pieces. That bag was like burning a hole in my hand. So to stamp it out, I did some calculations and let myself have five of the peppermint pieces. And boy were they amazing. But I still had the rest of the bag. I told myself, "You don't have to have them now, but you should save them, just in case ... " Definitely a battle with myself but finally put my foot down and thought, "Just in case WHAT? You'll never need these." Boom, put them in the employee cabinet.

Second temptation of the night: Another co-worker hands me a Big Kat bar, which instantly made me drool. I stared at it for a minute, looked at that calorie count (280), broke off about 1/10th of the bar and handed the rest off to another co-worker. I told him "FINISH THAT RIGHT NOW."

Third (slightly less tempting) temptation: Yet another co-worker hands me four Nutter Butters. I don't particularly like those cookies anyway, but still. Gave those away too.

They mean well, they do. They just don't know what I'm doing right now. And you know what? I am really proud of how strong I stayed through multiple challenges in one night. Four weeks ago, I would've swallowed WHOLE that candy. No doubt, candy is my lifelong weakness.