Wednesday, June 19, 2013

on and on

Hour 50-51 of my fast, feeling fine. Tired, but after the first 24 hours it becomes easier. It's easy to tell yourself to keep going because you already know you can do this. I want food, but I don't need it.

So now I'll be going to sleep and by the time I wake up I'll be pretty much right at 60 hours of fasting.

Final weigh-in at the end of my shift was 142.1, which is down 2.7 pounds from yesterday ... that seems almost impossible, but I do love seeing some results during fasting.

I'm already thinking about my fast-break ... I'm either gonna have a veggie burger and a couple of bananas or, if I can find five bucks, I'll get myself a rotisserie chicken. According to the internets, they are not high-cal ... and it sounds like an amazing treat to myself. Plus, my cat would be glad to help me eat it :)

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

it came to me in a dream ...

Well, once again I disappeared because I fucked up. But now I've realized how close I am to the wedding, and I need to lose more. So I had my "last meal" of pizza on Sunday, finishing it around 1:30am. I have been fasting since, putting me at roughly 40 hours without anything but coffee and gum. I'm going to keep it going tonight, and will actually probably pass the 48-hour mark if I don't eat anything at work and sleep until 2pm tomorrow. That is my hope. If I get weak AFTER hitting 48 hours, I will have a banana and nothing more.

Then tomorrow, I'm going to try for a strictly fruit day and next I'll do my best on SGD. I am fucking serious with myself this time. I gained back around 5 fucking pounds. I will be back under 140. I think I have probably lost 2 pounds since yesterday. I took an hour-long walk on the beach today and it felt great. I will try to get my ass moving more often.

I had a dream this morning that I broke this fast with almost an entire pizza. I wanted to go back for more, but my best friend Ann told me to stop. She told me I've been working hard, and that I need to get back on track and that she had faith in me. I think it's hilarious that it was Ann in the dream ... her name is so close to Ana. My dreams lately have been very current ... I have been dreaming about things/people from that day. Kind of strange.

Anyway, so I'm feeling good. I woke up super early today, about five hours before I even need to leave for work, but going to the beach and drinking coffee have helped me stay away from food this afternoon. Then work is cake.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

attitude is everything

Last week was complete shit. I binged hardcore for like three or four days in a row. I meant to restart SGD yesterday, but was feeling like a bitch so I went out for mimosas and had a couple of slices of cheese pizza with a friend. Then I came home and ate like two Luna bars ... then I purged. As hard as I could. I purged quite a few times over my bingey week. I never really considered myself a Mia, but sometimes I just get so fucking desperate and scared. Much more-so lately.

So before the shitty several days, I had weighed in, what, like 137-something? When I got back to work on Monday, it said 144. I wanted to fucking die. How was it possible to fucking gain 7 pounds in like five days? I attributed it to the fact that I was full when I weighed myself.

Last night, I weighed in at 142.5. More reasonable, but still way too fucking high up. Today I "restarted" SGD (how many times have I said that?), am at 360 calories right now before I go to work ... my stomach is grumbling and feels empty ... I better fucking be in the mid-141. I got way fucking out of control. And I almost thought, like, I couldn't get it back. I had one bad day, then I said, "I'll be better tomorrow." Then tomorrow came and I said fuck it again, then the next day, then the next day ... to the point where last night at work I was like, "I want chips and a candy bar ... it's fine. You'll start tomorrow. The scale already fucking hates you, so what difference does it make?" But I fought back and made it through the night without succumbing to those ridiculous desires. I ended up with a 24-hour fast, actually.

And then, today ... it's strange ... it's like, once I get ONE day of restricting under my belt, I suddenly feel like I've regained that control. My attitude suddenly changes, I feel the comfort in an empty stomach, I feel the pride that comes with controlling my body. If I start the day with the attitude that it will be a day of restricting, I can do it. If I start the day thinking about junk and trying to rationalize eating too much ... it's harder to fight back. I have to go to bed with the right attitude, and wake up with it.

So I ate a dinky little ham sandwich and 1 and 1/3 Luna bars and am heading to work soon. I ate before 5pm, and won't be eating at work, so I'm going to try to hit another 24 hours without eating. Tomorrow is my Saturday, and I've only got 300 calories, which is my own fault for restarting today ... I will more likely rearrange a couple of days to give myself the higher-calorie days on my days off. But still, I will wait to eat tomorrow until after I've hit 24 hours. Normally I go out on the first day of my weekend, but I already told my friend I don't want to ... I need to cut down on drinking, not just because they're empty calories, but because then I get home and I get high and do something stupid like order pizza or eat saltines and peanut butter in bed. If tomorrow's really a 300 day anyway, I don't have room for drinks. I can't swear on anyone's grave that I won't drink tomorrow but I'm going to probably put it off and just go out on Friday. One day at a time.

I swear I better see a lower number on that scale today ... I have to make up for what a fuckup I've been. And I've got less than six weeks to lose another 10 pounds. This is the final stretch toward the wedding (not the end of losing weight, but one goal at a time), and I cannot be slipping up anymore. I'm such a fucking idiot.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

don't forget

Well, work was bad tonight. About an hour before my lunchtime, I decided I needed food. And a lot of it. And something I shouldn't eat. My co-worker gave me her ATM card to run down to the store to get us both some lunch and get brownies and cookies and ice cream for everyone. I bought those delicious Safeway chicken strips, which I haven't had in forever, and it was wayyyy too much for me. I ate two pieces and thought about taking the rest home, but gave it to my co-worker (she did pay for them after all) ... then I ate like three chocolate chip cookies, four or five brownie bites and two servings of ice cream. At first I was like, fine, whatever, so I fucked up tonight. Then I remembered, "Oh hey I can purge!" I swear, sometimes I totally forget that's an option. So I purged at about 12:45, which was within an hour of eating all that shit. And I purged GOOD. I thought I'd only get the treats up because I had had the chicken strips an hour before whereas I ate the treats 45 minutes before purging. But I tasted the chicken strips in my purging as well as the treats. I love how easy ice cream makes it. I kept going and going and going until I couldn't go anymore. I instantly felt lighter ... but I figured there was still plenty in there to digest and that it would be reflected on the scale when I left for work. But I weighed myself at 4:30 (almost four hours after purging and about five hours of eating, so plenty of time for things to settle in) ... and I was at an incredible 137.4, down almost an entire pound from yesterday. I don't know how that's possible, but I really hope it is true. So I enjoyed myself but didn't ruin myself, it looks like. Now I've got tomorrow off and I need to be good. I have to. I already feel weak about it though, and thinking about what I'll want to eat when I'm drunk ...

I also weighed myself on my own scale just now when I got home to see what it said, so I can still see what happened after this night. My scale is cheap and shitty, and always gives a lower weight than the scale at work. It says I weigh 132 without any clothes on. So when I weigh myself in the morning, as long as it's 132 or lower I know I'm safe from my weakness at work. Like I said, I am NOT 132 pounds, but I can just add four pounds to whatever it says and will have roughly the correct weight.

Very curious to see what it says in the morning. I sure would love it to stay at 132 (it would mean I really dodged a bullet after that binge) ... but even better would be lower than that of course :)

OH! I almost forgot. This chick I worked with tonight who I haven't seen in a few months (our schedules are usually opposite) said when she first saw me, "You look like you've shrunk!"

I loved that. Even more than having people say, "You're getting skinny!" There's something more significant about the word "shrunk." I enjoy seeing people after all these months of hard work, because the people who see you every day don't really notice, but the ones who don't are just taken aback.

So yeah, that was totally awesome :)

Tuesday, May 28, 2013


Well, I just made myself a lovely salad (butter lettuce, yellow bell peppers, carrot and tomato with Italian dressing) and ate a banana, and it wasn't more than three minutes after I finished it that I had an INSTANT need to vomit. Like, I almost didn't make it to the bathroom. I have no idea what made me react like that (no, it wasn't on purpose). All the veggies were fresh as well as the dressing. It didn't even have time to hit my stomach. I am very confused.

I was just now able to eat about 1/4 of a Luna bar (I was two bites into it when I had to run to the bathroom), and feel fine, but I don't know what to do now. I have to eat something before work, but I'm scared that whatever I try will not work. Like I said, I can't even say it "hit my stomach wrong" because it never had a chance to ... wtf.

Monday, May 27, 2013

first meal

Just broke my 48-hour fast. Honestly, I felt like I could have gone longer, but I need to be able to get through work without passing out or something.

I walked down to the co-op for my meal. I got a whole bunch of veggies to make a nice big salad, but it was raining on my walk home, my paper bag ripped and I dropped my salad dressing. :(

So I just ate two organic bananas (220) and half of one of those yummy organic pizzas (262). Then maybe I can allow myself a Luna bar (or half) for dessert. Including the bananas, though, I'm getting pretty high up into there. After 1/2 of the pizza, I'll be sitting at 482 calories post-fast. If I eat half of the Luna bar, I'd be at 571 calories. Blah that seems like too much. But hell, it's like 1/5 of what I ate following my last 48-hour fast. I fucked that fast WAY up. Those bananas filled me up pretty good as an "appetizer" ... and it was actually really easy to eat only half of that pizza. I can't believe how tasty that thing is even though the calorie count is so low! I am so glad I found it, because it helps satisfy my ever-present pizza craving without making me feel guilty.

It's an hour and a half till I leave for work ... don't think I'll be able to resist the Luna bar that long. But I will eat only half, I swear! I want to still see a lower number on the scale tonight. I'd really like to be under 138.

new moves

12 hours till the end of my 48-hour fast! I feel great. Scale gave me 138.9, down one pound from yesterday, which is fine by me. And I'm not going to fuck up the fast by eating too much right after. I think I'm gonna go get me one of those little organic pizzas to break it, which is only 500-odd calories. I'm gonna try to shave off a little to not eat, just to reduce that count a little bit.

I got a lot of stuff done around my apartment today, including cleaning out my cupboards, fridge and freezer. I threw away the few high-cal things I had left around (really, it wasn't much ... I don't ever really have a lot of food in the house anyway). My new plan is to buy food one day at a time, which will also force me to walk to the co-op every day, about 25 minutes of walking. I am still failing on the whole exercise thing, but this is at least a start. And the daily shopping will hopefully prevent binges. The only thing I'll be able to "binge" on is salads and fruit (those I will buy a couple days' worth at a time). Well, I've also got about four boxes of veggie burgers in the freezer, hah, but I ain't throwing those out. And those aren't really dangerous binge items either. I could never eat more than two of those at a time, which would still be below 500 cals in themselves.

I am feeling really good about these new steps I'm taking. I am adding more discipline to this; my real challenge is to be GOOD on the weekends and not order a pizza or anything like that.

Time to sleep away the rest of my fast. By the time I wake up, I'll only have to wait a few more hours till I can eat.


Sunday, May 26, 2013


After the terrible feeling that the past two days gave me ... I felt fucking depressed all day. Normally I just get frustrated with these failures, but today I felt not like I had failed, but that I was a failure. A measly two-day weekend and I really fucked up that badly? I couldn't fucking stick to the diet or at least fast one of those days? Why am I so self-destructive just when I start making progress? My initial weigh-in at work was 140.8, which made me want to slit my wrists.

Anyway, so I made a sad attempt to puke up a small (but calorie-heavy) lunch ... it was a lot later than I should've tried, but hey, some came out. Then the laxatives FINALLY kicked in (24 hours later) right as I clocked out for lunch. So I drove home for some privacy and couldn't wait to get back to work to see if that flushed anything out.

Official weigh-in (supported by three separate reweighs): 139.8. I don't know, I guess that's up a pound from three days ago. Could be worse, but it SHOULD be fucking better. The moment I got to work I realized I needed a 48-hour fast. I even downloaded a countdown app to keep myself motivated. Yes, it will be difficult, but it's always easier to skip meals on workdays ... even though there are constant temptations (like today, there were two giant platters of cookies; at least I didn't give in to the evil thoughts I had of immediately saying "fuck it" to a fast I had barely started). So, let's check the countdown ... 1 day, 11 hours, 4 mins, 24 seconds. It will certainly be a joy to wake up in the afternoon to see a much smaller amount of time. I really hope this keeps me on track to make it through the whole fast. At the VERY least, I will be fasting for 30 hours. But no, I will make it 48. I've done it in the past. It's no big deal. And then when it's over I will ONCE AGAIN restart SGD.

Fucking yo-yo.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

gag me

Well, last night and this morning were disasters. I would prefer they be stricken from the books.

I feel like shit, like I have a hangover, or slept too much or too little, or just general malaise ... I seriously feel like shit. Yet, I still am in binge-mode. I feel sick to my stomach.

I took three laxatives right after my binge/before bed and so far, nothing. I wonder if anyone else has the same problem with laxatives taking for-fucking-ever to actually work. I don't like not knowing when it will hit. What if there's a huge rush at work and I can't just run away?

Well, here's hoping this'll all be over soon.

Friday, May 24, 2013


I did so fucking well yesterday. 400-calorie limit: two carb-free Red Bulls (20), Luna bar (190), three shots of whiskey (180), leaving me at 390. Then I came home and took a few sleeping pills, woke up a few hours later in this weird high fog ... and totally starving. Two Luna bars (380), two rice cakes (100), mini sandwich (90). Fuck. I binged, adding another 500+ calories to my day. I just thank GOD that all there is for me to binge on is low-cal stuff.

Tonight I'm going to the bar, with 500 calories to work with. I'm going to try to ONLY drink tonight, but not get drunk because I'll be driving ... which means I won't have a drunken binge. I'm also going to do my best to stay UNDER that 500 in an attempt to make up for yesterday. I'll do the same thing tomorrow. Or maybe just fast. We'll see.

All I know is I better see a pretty number on that scale at work tomorrow.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


Tonight was such a major success. In the face of tons of candy and even hot, fresh pizza ... I resisted. I knew I couldn't even have one Skittle or it would push me like 4 calories over 300. And a slice of cheese pizza? Good lord that would've completely ruined the day. I've come to realize that even though I always thought that sweets were my biggest weakness, it's actually pizza. I wanted a slice so bad, I was salivating. I had to beg my co-worker for an extra smoke break because, no lie, all that agonizing over whether to give in or stay strong was giving me fucking palpitations. I walked past that box of pizza twice.

And the scale rewarded me. Of course, I weigh myself about eight times a day, but usually as the night goes on the scale goes up. I am usually at the daily low right before my dinner break (by that time, it's been seven hours since eating) and my daily high is when I leave work.

But instead, my final weigh-in before clocking out was the lowest of the day -- 138.6! Not only did I break 140, but I broke it EASILY in 24 hours. So I lost 1.4 pounds since yesterday's lowest weigh-in. I forgot how amazing the beginning of SGD is ... I never made it too far my last time around, but I did have major weight loss just in the weekish that I stuck to it. I'm going to try to make it farther in to SGD just to see how far this thing can take me. It's seeing those kinds of numbers on the scale that remind me, "OK, this is obviously working. You'd be a fool not to keep going!"

Day 2 - 300/300
No more, no less.

My eight-hour drive may cause some problems for me, energy-wise, food-wise, hunger-wise ... but hell, I'll be in the car for eight hours (alone) ... so it's kiiiiinda like fasting through a work shift. This will require much chain-smoking. Kinda wish I had a higher allowance for tomorrow, but I'm gonna keep things open and see where it goes. But I am promising myself that it is not going in a wrong direction.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

must be strict

Skinny Girl Diet: Day 2

Half bagel thin (50)
5 slices of ham (60)
Luna bar (190)

Needs to be (0)

Total: 300/300

Hitting exactly 300 means absolutely no treats at work tonight. I mean it, me! Not even two Skittles!

Oh, and (if you don't count the miniscule cupcake/Skittles incident at about 9 p.m. yesterday, I basically fasted for another 24 hours. I waited as late as I could for lunch today (about 4:45 p.m.), and yesterday I ate lunch at 3:30 or so. It's funny how you can fast for an entire 24 hours but actually still eat each of those days. Just gotta time things perfectly.

Tomorrow is a 400 day, and I'll be driving four hours for a "document preparation" appointment (my county is so small that the closest one is that far away) to start the bankruptcy process. Then I get right back in the car and drive back ... so eight hours of driving tomorrow. Bleh. I'm going to take a Luna bar with me in case I need something on the drive down considering I'll be tired from waking up so early to get there in time, but I'm kinda thinking of saving the 400 to get a salad somewhere before I drive back. Although, the vegetables technically don't count, so even with dressing (I always get balsamic vinaigrette which is not too high in calories), I could probably still have room for the Luna bar. Problem is, I think I'll need an alcoholic drink or two when I get home, which is roughly 100 calories. All of those things combined actually will probably keep me close to 400. Hard to tell ahead of time; not sure how much I'll need subsistence to get me through it. Oh, and I'm sure I'll have a 10-calorie Red Bull or three to keep me going. If worse comes to worse, I'll swap the 400 with the 650 later in the week. I'd rather not do that, but I can't promise anything.


Quick update on the rest of my day:

First, there were maple-bacon cupcakes. I was "forced" to eat one, took two nibbles and decided it wasn't for me. Score 1.

Next, I was given an entire coffee cup full of candy. I ate two Skittles. Score 2.

Weigh-in today: 140 exactly (down .7 from yesterday). Score 3.

With all those treats waved in my face, believe me I had the "fuck it, I'll restart the diet tomorrow" thoughts, but I made the right choice!

Total calories for the day, including an estimate for the cupcake bite and the two Skittles, was just barely under 400. So proud! On to the next day!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Well, I realized after the fact that eating that giant meal after fasting for nearly 48 hours was stupid. What a waste of a fast. Yesterday at work I weighed in at 140.7, .3 higher than before my four-day weekend. Ugh.

So I just broke a 36-hour fast with -- you guessed it -- a Luna bar. Today is SGD restart day, so I've got 400 cals for the day. Here's the plan:

Luna bar (180)
Two fake chicken strips with spicy mustard and ketchup (120)
Rice cake (50)


Total: 350/400

It's relatively easy for me to skip dinner at work. Maybe I'll take a rice cake just in case, and to keep myself distracted.

I've got another 10 pounds (at least) to go, so it's time to get serious and structured again. SGD is pretty easy to stick to, except on the days when I go out drinking. Whiskey has a shit-ton of calories. But the night I want to go out (Friday) is 500 calories, which gives me plenty of drinking space.

I need to go get a bunch of fruit now that I'm back on SGD, but I'm pretty much broke until Friday, and that organic fruit is pricey. So I'll have to get healthy after Friday.

Here's to a successful diet.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

final countdown!

Well, I've got less than five hours until I can eat. The nice thing about fasting this long is that you just sleep and sleep and sleep because there's nothing else your body wants. The hunger has calmed down significantly. I came very close to breaking the fast last night, but every time I went to look in the fridge, I just grabbed a diet soda instead. I haven't done 48 hours since I started back up on dieting. It is exhausting. Now to the bad parts of fasting: I am freezing cold and my head is pounding. 

I am still yawning despite sleeping for about 12 hours, then napping another 45 mins and then another 45. I'm hoping I *can* have another nap, because I am dying for 9pm to roll around so I can eeeeeaaaaat. And I'm not going to lie, I plan on eating a pretty junk meal. But then right after I'll be starting another 24-hour fast, if not longer. Fasting will be CAKE at work. Oh god, don't say cake ...

Just 4.5 more hours to food. I am so excited!

Saturday, May 18, 2013

fast weekend

Terrible past few days. Lots of pizza.

So I'm working on a 48-hour fast. At about 24 hours right now. It's a long weekend and I'm just being lazy for the rest of it. I need to make it to about 9pm tomorrow. If I can do 24 hours, I can do 48. And then I will eat light, and officially restart SGD on Monday. I have been bouncing between 140-142 for the past week, and I want to break 140 again. I was only below 140 for one or two days. I know I can do it, I've lost so much already and it's easier than I thought. But I need to get back on a structured diet, rather than just restricting randomly. I need those specific daily goals, otherwise I am more likely to binge. I need a target and I need to be told exactly what to do in order to continue to lose weight.

24 hours to go. I can do this.

Monday, May 13, 2013

the little things

Well, the weekend was just as I expected. I got my 600-calorie salad at Red Robin, ate a crab sandwich and some caramel corn at the ballgame, and drank lots of whiskey and Red Bull (sugar-free).

But when I got to work last night, I had somehow lost a pound. I have officially broken 140! I weighed in at 139.4. Hell yeah. AAAAND I resisted the most yummy-looking chocolate cake and some oatmeal cookies brought in to work last night. It was very, very hard, but I needed to get back on track after the bad weekend.

Still, I fasted for the past 24 hours. I now am having "lunch" ... three giant strawberries, a banana and a Luna bar. I might have another banana to prevent myself from eating another Luna bar. Yeah, I am enamored with those things.

Here's hoping I lost a little more overnight! My goal right now is to get to at least 130 pounds by the end of July for the wedding, which means I have to lose 1 pound per week (roughly .2 per day), which seems ridiculously easy. My ULTIMATE goal before the wedding is at least 125, which is 1.34 pounds per week. I need to ramp up my exercising though and work on flattening my still-sagging gut.

Also, I wore a tank top to the baseball game and didn't feel uncomfortable at all! I think I looked pretty good, in fact. My collarbones are starting to come through. :)

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

still pushing

Haven't posted in a while but it doesn't mean I've fallen off track. I haven't really been excelling either, though. I've been eating way too much on my weekends, but always fast right after, which really makes a huge difference. The other day I did have some garbage calories at work, but did my best to purge it away.

Right now I'm still sitting comfortably at 141. But that was from weighing myself in the morning, which was the end of a fast day. We all know that's a hard number to trust. I felt really good though, light and happy with my strength.

Today I ate a Luna bar (190) and this yummy organic pizza (524), putting me at 704 so far today. I'm going to try to stay there through the workday, as I feel like it's a good follow-up to the 395 from last night. I may have another Luna bar though. I fucking love those things; they're like dessert (and I have to be honest with myself that I can't just live without treats altogether). If I have that bar, though, I'll be at almost 900 cals for the day. Too much.

I'm trying to stay good this week because I'm going to visit my parents on Friday and we're going to a baseball game on Saturday. I can't NOT have anything at the ballgame, not just because my parents would be concerned, but because, come on, it's a baseball game. Last time I went, I had this amazing crab-sourdough sandwich that blew my mind. I will definitely have that again. I'll also be taking in a couple flasks of whiskey. Aaaaand I'm sure we'll have breakfast before we drive down there (three-hour drive) AND definitely dinner on Friday night. So I'll be having three or four meals in a row ... yikes. But from Thursday night to Friday dinner with the parents, I can fast. And then I'll fast when I get back on Sunday. So my food-heavy weekend will at least be surrounded by fasting. Ugh, though, I have to remember to at least make mostly careful choices (other than the crab sandwich) if I'm going to be eating all weekend.

Anyway, I'm gonna stay strong the rest of the day. I really fucking hope no one brings any treats to work today. They drive me fucking crazy.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

polar bear

It was a weird week. I had a couple of bad days in there, but then I fasted for almost 48 hours (well, not really ... I had booze and gum). I ate when I got home from work last night.

And I just had lunch - two servings of spicy sweet potato fries (260) and two fake-chicken strips (100) with ketchup and mustard (50ish) So I just ate 400ish calories and I am fucking STUFFED. No lie. I couldn't eat more right now if I wanted to.

My plan is for that to be it for the night (once again, excluding sugar-free gum). With that number of calories, I'll basically be "restarting" SGD. Ugh. We'll see. I already want a fucking cookie or something.

Oh, and even though I was fucking around all week, I did at least lose .3 pounds since my last weigh-in a week ago. I thought for sure I would've gained, and gained BAD.

So, about 141.6.

Still chipping away ...

Sunday, April 14, 2013

and again

Here we are in a brand-new week. I am restarting SGD today. My weekend wasn't a complete disaster, despite my brain's attempt to get me to order pizza, etc. Yesterday was the only day of my weekend that I just stayed home all day, which is hard, as we all know. I did munch on stuff basically all day, but the one saving point is that everything in my house right now is my low-cal shit. So even though I ate like four rice cakes in a row, that's probably still about half of what I would have been ingesting with just like TWO Oreos. I ate two salads, some grapes, a kind-of sandwich thing ... anyway, the point is, yes I ate a lot yesterday but I at least got my brain to shut up about junk food. I'm guessing I ended up at like 800 calories.

Which means it's time to get my act together.

Day 1 (400)

Salad w/carrot and bell pepper (0) and Italian dressing (50)
Half sandwich thin w/ 3/4 serving of deli chicken (83)
Greek yogurt (80)

Dinner plan:
Popcorn (100)

Total: 313 cal

So that gives me some wiggle room ... which I really shouldn't give myself. Wiggle room can get out of hand really easily. I'm going to take grapes to work with me as well ... I had such a big lunch that I'm really not hungry right now, so my dinner plan should be just fine. I'd like to try to stay BELOW the SGD daily limit rather than being so on-the-nose about it. I have to find a way to make this work.

I will be weighing myself at work today, having not weighed myself since Wednesday. It's always so nerve-wracking.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

back and forth

After fasting the other day, I binged the next day. I bought a frozen pizza and ice cream ... possibly the worst choices of all. But it was a shitty day, I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted comfort food. It gave me comfort, no doubt, but it also gave me 1.2 pounds.

Soooo I'm fasting again. I'm almost at 24 hours now, and I'm gonna take some fruit to work for dinner in case I decide to break the fast. But I am going to try to keep it going until tomorrow afternoon, which would give me close to 48 hours. Then I suppose I'll just restart SGD. Tomorrow starts my weekend, so there will be drinking, but if I get hungry-drunk, I'll eat smart.

I'm actually feeling OK right now. Hungry, of course, but I'm really hoping I can make it another day. If not, by the time my dinner break rolls around, I'll have fasted for 30 hours.

Here we go again!

Monday, April 8, 2013

easing in

Well, I'm at 24 hours of fasting. I'm going to attempt to continue for another seven hours, until my dinner break at work at midnight. And then I guess I'll just pick up where I left off on SGD. Mostly because if I start on the day I'm supposed to be on (Day 10 - 400 cal), then my weekend will fall on the 650 and 700 days. I don't know. I've totally missed the mark on so many days ... but maybe the 31-hour fast combined with the 30-45 minute walk I took against the wind this afternoon will put me back where I want to be. I better have at least dropped that .4 pounds I gained from my weekend. I have been really good about taking my diet pills. I might take an extra dose again tonight. My bulging stomach needs it.

Seven hours to food. And I have 400 calories to spend. I think maybe I'll just take one of my 280-calorie frozen pizzas. I have to remind myself that I don't NEED to hit that many calories. I'll take an apple to work with me as well. Maybe a rice cake, too. That'll still keep me below 400. I don't want to overdo it and make myself sick, though.

to restart or not restart ...

Well, whatever. I ate some stuff today. I didn't really keep track of it, but it did include a grilled cheese sandwich (low fat cheese at least, but still 90 cal for two slices). I felt like a failure, because after the weekend I had with lots of alcohol, some pizza, peanuts, whatever else ... I was determined to start my workweek better (I work Sun-Wed, by the way).

So after I had probably a 500-600 calorie lunch, I decided after would be the beginning of a fast day. I believe I finished lunch at like 5-5:30 pm. I didn't have anything on my dinner break at work, took an extra dose of diet pills (supposed to be only two times a day), and made it through the rest of the night. The scale of course kept telling me different things all night (I obsessively check; probably like 4-5 times a day), but it seems I gained .4 pounds over the weekend ... not too terrifying considering that fucking pizza which very much concerned me.

My fast can technically end at 6 p.m. tomorrow, but I'm going to try to push it to my "lunch break" at midnight, putting me at a more than 30-hour fast. I really don't know what to do next. Do I restart SGD? Do I just plug along with the schedule and occasionally throw in fasting days if I slip up?

And for the record, my fasts include gum. I can't NOT chew gum at work, that would drive me nuts and my mouth would salivate for something to be in it. Gum is just something I ignore. Whatever, so it's not a true fast. I'm not fucking EATING though, that's for damn sure.

Work was fucking boring tonight so I'm tired. By the time I wake up for work, I'll be almost to my 24 hours. And then I will plan the most fantastic lunch and be very anxious to see that scale :)

Sunday, April 7, 2013


I already ate more calories than I was supposed to today. I wasn't super bingey this weekend, but I am not looking forward to that scale. I guarantee it went up. Now that it's a new workweek I can keep it together. Fucking weekends are hard.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

I drank many drinks. I ate about slightly less than a serving of peanuts, not sure. I banged my un-boyfriend for a couple of hours. I want food, I want so much food right now but I'm fighting it. My original plan once this night was over was to fast for 24 hours. So I'll go to sleep now and won't be able to eat until about 8:30 p.m. Then I have 400 calories. I guess. This all gets very complicated when drunk. God, I'm so hungry. I think I took enough Xanax to knock me out for a while, though. I'm hoping the Xanax knocks me out before I give up and eat. No, I'm not going to eat. I am still so fucking disgusting. I don't care that I've lost 13 pounds in three weeks. It's not enough. I am so disgusting. I want to fucking blow my brains out.


Friday, April 5, 2013

true "restricting"

So yesterday was my first weekend day, with a limit of 650. I went to the bar after eating only a banana and had about eight drinks all told, as I expected. This left me without roughly 300 calories for food.

Buuuut then my un-boyfriend picked me up to take pizza and a movie to his house. I tried to only have one slice (and they're the giant, New York style pizzas) of this amazing tomato-basil-feta kind ... soo fucking amazing. Then ... half a slice of plain cheese (ripped off pepperoni) ... then, when he went to the shower, I grabbed another of the veggie slices from the fridge.

Fuck. Honestly, I'm surprised that didn't destroy my stomach. That's the most I've eaten in a long time. Definitely the greasiest, too.

I'm going to try to rationalize at least one slice by saying that I walked to the bar, I played about an hour of ping-pong and had at least an hour of sex. All of that counts for a little bit of exercise!

Today is another 650 day but it's also my baseball team's home opener, which my friend and I will be watching at the bar ... with drinks ... and shelled peanuts. I can pretty much guarantee that's a no. But here's my plan, since the first two days of my weekend are shit, the third shall be for fasting. I need to get some stuff done around the house, so I should be able to keep busy. I'm also gonna try to get some nose candy to suppress my appetite and keep me moving.

I will give myself at least the tiniest pat on the back: Just now, when the un-boyfriend dropped me off, I walked into my apartment thinking, "Well, I'm hungry and I already fucked up. I should eat whatever I want since it's already ruined." I think that is the hardest voice to fight. It's not the voice that first tells you to take a bite ... it's the voice that tries to convince you that any amount of eating is a mess-up, and because you already ruined today's progress, you might as well give up and give in. But there's a big difference between eating more than I want to/need to/should and bingeing. Just because my day was a failure does NOT mean I should allow it to become a completely embarrassing, disgusting and damaging disaster.

I think that's when I feel the strongest ... when I make the inevitable mistake but don't allow it to control me. I always have the strength to take back control.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

first bite

Well, fuck. I messed up today. I had half a chocolate chip cookie early in the night, so in an attempt to make up for it, I only ate about half of my breakfast sandwich (let's round up to make that like 120 cals instead of 210). Great work, right? Then, my favorite co-worker gave me a giant peanut butter cup cookie. Fuck. Honestly, I didn't even TRY to resist. I just did it, without thinking. I ate about 1/3 of that giant cookie. THEN of course suddenly my sweet tooth is like, "YES, THAT. MORE!" So I had six Robin Eggs and five peanut M&Ms. I wanted more, way more, but I fought the voice that said, "Well, you've fucked up now. Just keep going." Fuck that voice.

So with these cookies it's hard to calculate calories, but doing some calorie counting tells me that those cookie portions and chocolate candies put me up a whopping 380 calories over my 450 limit. Jesus Christ. I need to remember: If I have one bite of a treat, I will want more. I will somehow need more. But if I don't take that first bite, I feel that moment of triumph and can hold on to that.

I want to continue SGD, so I'm going to do what I did the other day when I messed up: adjust the following day. I don't know how important it is to strictly follow the calorie limits of each day. I mean, what if I want to fast in the middle of SGD? It seems like that should be acceptable. As long as you are keeping calorie counts low and alternating your allowance for each day to trick your body ...

Anyway, tomorrow is my first day off after a loooooong workweek. I plan on drinking. I have already calculated that if I have three cocktails and three shots, I'll probably be looking at 350 calories. I'm allowed 650 for tomorrow ... I won't be eating before going to the bar ... I will try not to eat at all tomorrow, but I figured it'd be best to save any possible calories until AFTER I drink (when I'll want to eat everything on the planet).

Oh, weigh-in was 142.2 -- down another 1.1 from yesterday. I won't be able to weigh myself again until Sunday, which might be a good thing. I'm hoping to see some encouraging results ... as long as I have a strong weekend.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

ready to share

I wish I would have taken photos when I started, but I just didn't feel comfortable about it. Here I am, fatty at 143 pounds. My posture may not be so great in the last one, but whatever. I'm fat.

maxed out

Day 5 (450)

Fruit salad - apple, pear, raspberry (0)
Salad with bell pepper and carrot (0)
Italian dressing (37.5)
Half sandwich thin (50)
Deli ham (60)
Greek yogurt (80)
1/3 tbs Cool Whip (3.3)

Dinner plan:
Breakfast sandwich (210)
Banana (0)

Total: 440.8

I really like to max out my calorie limits, don't I? That was the biggest lunch I've had in quite a while and it definitely shut up my grumbling stomach. I still feel like I could eat a LOT more, but I won't. I'll have plenty of energy for the first half of my workday. And I know my little breakfast sandwich isn't the healthiest thing, but hey, if I'm gonna make it through this diet, I need to allow myself to have some low-cal junk.

Looking forward to checking the scale before dinner (about seven hours from now). I really hope my successful day yesterday will be reflected there.

Next step: I need to start exercising. Restricting will only get me so far. I have a three-day weekend starting tomorrow and the plan is to walk at least an hour each of those days. And I'm gonna call our employee health department and figure out how I can get access to the employee-only gym so I can start getting real workouts after my shift is over.

Still feeling good!

meeting goals

I ended the day with almost exactly 300 calories. It would have been 278, but my co-worker gave me a 3 Musketeers mini, which are fucking 56 calories each. I couldn't do that to myself. I took a tiny bite (probably 1/4 of it) and almost took another bite, but my brain screamed at me, THROW IT AWAY. So I did, immediately. That tiny bite alone was like 14 calories. I had 22 to spare after lunch/dinner, so hey, I reached my goal of 300 with 8 calories to spare. Hah. I did it! I ate 200 calories fewer than what was "allowed" today. I think that evens me out from yesterday. 

For lunch I had this Luna fruit-filled chocolate fiber bar and it was soooo effing good. I'm definitely going to get more of those. 110 calories - not bad for something that basically tastes like a cookie, yet is much healthier and more filling.

When I weighed myself before dinner, I was at 143.3. I've lost 1.1 pounds for the past three days in a row. Creeping down to my lowest weight since my mental breakdown ...

I went grocery shopping after work and only bought low-cal items (except for shelled peanuts for baseball games). Honestly, it was one of the first times that I wasn't tempted by bad things. When I was checking out, there were these two girls behind me and I looked at what they were buying ... chips, treats, giant blocks of cheese ... and guess what? These chicks were fat. I wouldn't touch what they were buying with a 10-foot pole.

It was also one of the first times that I didn't even consider eating any of my food when I got home. We all know how hard it is to go grocery shopping while hungry. I was licking my lips as I was putting the food away. But I did put it away. I never eat past 1 a.m. and never eat before 3 p.m. I see this as a 12-plus-hour fast every day. I ain't breaking that and eating right before I go to bed. Hell no.

I've lost 12 pounds in 23 days. I'm hoping this speeds up a little more ... I am definitely more disciplined now than I was during any previous attempt, so I am confident.

I will look good in that bridesmaid's dress this summer. I will.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

make-up day

Well, like I said, yesterday wasn't very successful. I'm going to cut out 200 calories today in hopes of making up for yesterday. I can't guarantee that I won't up that 100 calories, depending how the work night goes and if I need more energy. I bought a new diet pill today (Ketone RX), so hopefully that will take care of the energy factor. I also took a multivitamin ... that is something I need to be more disciplined about. I've always had problems getting recommended doses of vitamins and minerals, so I know that I'm extreeeemely low while on SGD.

Day 4 (500)

Fruit salad - apple, raspberry, pear (0)
Half sandwich thin (50)
Veggie burger (110)
Mustard (10)

Dinner plan:
Luna fiber bar (110)

Total: 280

If I need something more substantial for lunch, I'll have one of those tasty breakfast sandwiches (210). That would keep me under 400. I am going to try my damndest to reach my goal of 300.


Not the best day. With drinks and snacks (not all unhealthy) at work, I definitely surpassed 400. Probably more like 700-800. I feel like garbage. Lately, when I falter and eat something I know I shouldn't, my stomach gets pissed. I feel like puking every fucking time.

Tomorrow's supposed to be 500 calories but I think I'll try for 300 or 400 to make up for today. I just need enough to get me through what will probably be another long night at work. I definitely didn't lose control today; I turned down a bunch of junk food and fought the desire for a big sandwich after getting tipsy.

Here's to a new day.

Oh, but at the end of the day, I weighed in at 144.4, which is down 1.1 from yesterday. Let's keep this up.

Monday, April 1, 2013

cake: 0, me: 1

So at work tonight I ripped a tortilla in half and added a small serving of carnita-style pork with a little salsa. I calculated that at 130 calories. Then I had six tortilla chips with about a spoonful of salsa con queso at about 100 calories, giving me about 20 calories to spare. It was a girl's birthday, so there were TWO chocolate cakes in the break room. I wanted a slice SOOOO badly. I gave myself a forkful (with no frosting), chewed a bit and spit it out. I also chewed up about 1/3 of a Peep and spit that out, too. I don't really know how to add those calories. I spent the next couple of hours unable to think about anything but that fucking cake. I told myself, "Wait an hour and then maybe you can have some." An hour passes and I tell myself to wait again. Repeat, repeat ... and I made it to the end of my workday without eating the cake :) It was NOT easy but I am so fucking proud of myself for not screwing up on only the second day of SGD. I thought about switching calorie days around so I could have the cake, but I didn't. Who would have thought that I didn't need to?! Seriously so so so happy. So, we'll say I hit pretty much exactly the 300 calories I was allowed today.

And the scale made me even happier. I waited till the end of my shift (about 3.5 hours after lunch) to weigh myself ................. 145.5!!!!!!!! This is down 1.4 since yesterday and holy shit it's the lowest I've been in YEARS. When I did the first two weeks of ABC back in January, my lowest was 147.


My reward for not eating that damn cake was the number on the scale. And THAT is the sweetest thing I could ever give to my body :)

Sunday, March 31, 2013


Day 2 (300)

Fruit salad (banana, apple, raspberry, pear) - 150ish (but free)
Rice cake - 50

So I've technically got 250 calories left for today. I'm taking a bag of popcorn and a Luna bar to work just in case I need a dinner. I'm thinking about taking the rest of my fruit salad, but honestly I think I've had enough sugar for one day, even if it is natural sugar. I'm actually feeling kind of nauseated. I think this particular diet pill is not good for me.

Hope to stay strong today. I also hope I've lost at least a tiny bit of weight. I've been pretty stagnant (which is my own fault from that unhealthy weekend) and want to see SOME progress.

Well, I accidentally puked up some of my lunch. I can't take SlimQuick anymore, apparently. Ugh, my tummy :(


It's Easter, or so I'm told. Easter has not been a holiday for me for more than a decade. And, reading other people's blogs, boy am I grateful. I couldn't handle being with family and forced to eat all that holiday food.

I work tonight ... and I assume there will be tons of food in the break room. I was thinking about not eating till I get to work, that way, if there is something that tempts me, I can at least have a little bit without going over my 300 calories. But god, I only woke up 45 minutes ago and already my stomach is screaming and turning. I need that fruit salad RIGHT NOW.


I felt like a fat fucking whale all night at work. I did at least stay at my intended calorie intake despite temptations of cookies, Easter candy and ice cream bars. I checked my weight three times in that 10 hours - 146.7, 146.9, 147. Whatever, we'll say I didn't lose any weight since yesterday.

I'm actually glad tomorrow's just 300. Maybe I'll feel less disgusting.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

clean slate

It's a good day. Cleaned my kitchen, went to the co-op for a bunch of organic fruits, had a good lunch and looking forward to a decent dinner at work. This is day 1 (again) of Skinny Girl. I gotta say, I love that Skinny Girl allows me to eat fruits as much as I want. Of course, on my calorie counter I'm still keeping track of those calories.

Day 1 (400)


Fruit salad - banana, apple, kiwi, raspberry (120ish)
Garden burger (110)
Half sandwich thin (50)
Sweet and spicy mustard (10)

Smart Ones Canadian turkey bacon breakfast sandwich (210)

So, not counting the fruit, I'm slightly below my allotment (380). With the fruit, about 500. I'm feeling really good about it. Although I'm also feeling like my gut is sticking out more than usual because of that big lunch. Seriously, it feels like I just gorged. Maybe I'll try not to eat my entire dinner later, and hopefully work keeps me moving tonight.

Friday, March 29, 2013

unintentional fast

I realized that if I make that terrible sandwich my only food today, after work and sleep ... I will end up having a 24-hour fast (have to have a diet soda in there though). I had the sandwich about 1:30 p.m. and will probably wake up around that time tomorrow. I'm not taking any food to work with me. I fucking ate that sandwich almost five hours ago and I still feel disgusting. And I knew I would, but I did it anyway.

I'm taking back control.

revving up

Well, I've been terrible the past few days. Not as bad as it COULD be, but let's not rationalize.

My friend completely flaked out on the concert we were supposed to go to on Tuesday, so I'm just saying fuck it. I'm not going out of town by myself again. So instead, I've switched my work schedule back around so starting today I'm on a six-day stretch. It is exhausting in that long run (especially since I work 10-hour shifts), HOWEVER, workdays are the easiest to restrict, and this will give me a strong, six-day head start. Tomorrow I shall officially begin Skinny Girl. I already blew it today with a big sandwich. My gut feels fucking huge right now. I must've gained at least 2 pounds in the past few days. Gross.

And for the record, my parents' scale was entirely wrong. I was never even close to 141 or whatever. When I got back from my vacation and onto my go-to work scale, I was at 145-ish, which is exactly where I thought I was. I've probably ballooned to 147-148 just since weighing myself on Wednesday. If it's more than that, I might fucking kill myself.

I really hope that Skinny Girl can get me close to 140 within a couple of weeks.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

too much

Well, my parents took me out to lunch today (I know, I know) and I ordered a grilled chicken-mozzarella-bacon sandwich on french bread. I only ate 1/4 of the bread (I claimed the bread was hard, dry and thick. I peeled off more than half of the cheese because it was just wayyyy too much. It was disgusting. So basically, I ate the chicken and bacon, a little bread and a little cheese. I also ate about five steak fries. Diet soda. I did some calculations and I'm gonna say this "sandwich" was about 635 (and I erred on the side of MORE calories than it might have been).

Just now my dad went and got us all Dairy Queen Blizzards (I know, I know) and I quickly looked up the stats and got Butterfinger (470) rather than Reese's (579). It's still a disaster, but I've set it aside while typing this and letting it melt will help me to not eat the whole thing.

All told, we're at about 1100 calories (maybe). That's the highest I've eaten in a very very long time. Lunch did not sit well with me and gave me diarrhea (which might be a good thing) ... I don't ever eat out when I'm on my own, so that kind of diner-style food just kills my stomach.

I bought a new pair of jeans in a size 10 (damnit I thought I'd be 8 by now) and they look great on me. Normally I wear such baggy pants (size 14, they practically fall off me now) and had no idea how good my butt is looking. Hah :) I also got a new pair of work slacks because mine were starting to look ridiculously big.

I weighed myself on my parents' scale first thing in the morning (with hoodie and jeans still) ... 142.5. There's no way that number is accurate, but hey, I do know I'm still losing weight. Today is awful, but I'm taking a trip to Sacramento for a show and probably won't eat anything. Maybe a few cocktails and low-cal Red Bulls, but that's it. Hopefully that will make up for today.

Edit: I am throwing away about 1/4 of my Blizzard. I'm going to say that saved me 80 calories (maybe more but I'm trying to punish myself with these numbers), leaving me with ~1024 calories.

Friday, March 22, 2013

famous last words

OK, so I just found out My Chemical Romance broke up. I know, it's so predictably emo for me to like them. Whatever. I am very upset. So add 100 calories for a Skinny Cow fudge ice cream bar.

Total: 750

I know I am terrible about sweets.

first notice

Walk in the door at my parents' house ... Mom says, "Hi! Have you lost weight?" Me: "I wish!" Dad walks up and says, "You do look skinny!" I keep saying that they ALWAYS say these things because I wear my comfortable baggy jeans on the drive. They were baggy even before I started losing weight. But my dad said, "No, it's not just that. Your face looks thinner." I shrug and say I have no idea what I weigh; I haven't checked.

We go to Red Robin, I have my grilled chicken salad with only one bite of the toast that came with it (675) and a diet soda (which totally weirded my dad out), and when we get home my dad says, "Go weigh yourself!"

I'm wearing my hoodie and jeans (and it's after I ate a meal) and their scale tells me 145.8. I'm like, "Oh, I guess I have lost some weight." I don't trust that scale, obviously, because it's not the one I've been using every day at work. But still, it was nice to see that number considering the last time I was home I weighed I think somewhere around 160. My parents kept talking about how thin I look.

Wow. I can't tell you how good that feels. Seriously. When you haven't seen someone for about five weeks and they're like DAMN! ... you know you're doing something right. I kept telling them it was only because I cut out sugary sodas and treats ... yeah, they don't need to know. They have no clue that the salad I ate for dinner (which I didn't even finish) was 650 calories. They have no clue that that's the only intake I've had all day except for the Red Bull I had for the drive down (10).

Fifteen seems like this really low number, but when it comes to weight ... that's a pretty big loss. That is definitely noticeable.

I feel fucking great right now. I'm so proud of myself. Here's to another strong day!

taking care

Today ended up being a weird day. It was crazy busy the first half of the day, and all throughout I was feeling lightheaded and shaky and felt like the walls were closing in on me and like my body was shrinking in my chair. Not to mention the gnarly headache (and I verrrry rarely get headaches). I thought I just needed to eat my lunch (280-calorie pizza), but I still felt weird ... like my limbs were separate from my body. I felt like I was gliding when I was walking. I knew it wasn't from lack of food; I can tell the difference. Plus, I've been eating around 600-700 calories a day, which is plenty to keep me going. Suddenly I realized that I had forgotten to take my daytime crazy medication. I have never missed a dose before. Once I realized that, I started freaking out, major anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe. I told my co-worker I had to run home and get the medication. The drive was terrifying. My vision was scary sharp, as if I had just gotten a new prescription in my glasses. I felt like I might swerve if I drove over 25. Made it to my apartment, downed the meds and took a Xanax to get me by till the meds settled in. Got back to work and within an hour I felt like a million times better. But in that hour I decided I needed to treat myself and relax with a Twix. I know, I know. Pathetic. With that bar, I ended up at 530 calories for the day. Unnnnnfortunately I also grabbed a small cup of chocolate ice cream from the freezer at work. I don't know what the calories are in that, whatever. It was good for my soul. Plus, I weighed in at 147.3, which is super close to my lowest weight during ABC. I know I shouldn't "reward" myself by packing in extra calories, but oh well. It helped feed my soul more than anything. As you can probably tell, sweets are totally my biggest weakness. I'm gonna stay away from them when I go to my parents' house this weekend, though.

Speaking of, I know they're taking me out to Red Robin tomorrow. My go-to meal there is usually the crispy chicken tender salad, but when I went to the website to check the calories ... fucking 1300. But the website has a cool customizing option, so I fiddled around with that and found that if I substitute the crispy chicken for grilled, use balsamic dressing (which is what I prefer anyway) and stay away from the garlic bread that comes with it, the whole salad is only 636 calories. And I usually can only eat half of it ... although that's because of the fatty fried chicken and the bread ... but even if I ate the whole thing, I'm still staying in my range of 600-700 for the day. I'm pretty good at making the drive home without eating. I always starve myself before I have dinner with my parents. There's a lot of fat even in my low-cal version, but also a lot of protein, which I am seriously lacking lately. So I'm going to enjoy my meal tomorrow and it shouldn't weird my parents out too much that I'm only really switching the chicken on my meal. I'll still be eating plenty in front of them.

Saturday might be hard. I don't really know what I'm going to do all day. The weather should be nice so maybe we'll take a nice walk ... my mom can go shopping with me (I need smaller pants, a new belt and new towels and bedding) ... maybe watch a movie ... in the evening, play cards and have a few drinks. I'll try to get my parents to make tacos for dinner to keep the meal somewhat healthy. I usually skip lunch every time I'm there anyway, so yeah. This all sounds pretty nice actually. I could use a relaxing vacation day. Then Sunday I'm mostly on my own; I'm driving to Sacramento for a concert.

All in all, this should be a good weekend.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

in the pit of the stomach

Well, I made sure to start my day off on a lovely foot. Re-reading my depressing other blog ... ugh. At least it kept me distracted up till now, when I need to be getting ready for work. No food till just now, and just a couple of grapes at that.

I still have this weird feeling in my stomach. And it feels like "the pit of my stomach" ... whatever that really means. I feel nauseated ... I feel like everything is about to break.

I don't even really know where it's coming from right now. The whole PMS phase has passed (it's usually only two days of shitty feelings for me). Something isn't right ... and not knowing what that something is is making me insane.

sweet jesus

Well, I was fucking terrible at work tonight. A co-worker brought in cookies and brownie bites ... and it's nearly impossible to turn down chocolate when I'm in the middle of my period, cramping and feeling pissy. So I ate two brownie bites and two cookies ... I know, gross.

So all told, my day was like 700 calories. Not the worst ever, but still awful. I swear, sometimes I think I save my calories for the possibility of sweets at some point in my night. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to skip breakfast and just have popcorn at lunch (100) or maybe a frozen meal (280). We'll see. So far this week I haven't been reaching my goals. But I really do think this is a good way to ease myself into Skinny Girl, which I'll be starting in about two weeks. I'm still keeping my intake relatively low. I've kept myself at or below 700 for at least the past six days. And each of those days has been up and down and kind of all over the place calorie-wise. Hopefully that's tricking my body a bit.

When I weighed myself tonight I was down from my first-day-of-my-period bloat plus big sandwich day yesterday. From 149.9 to 148.7. Tomorrow we'll see what kind of damage was done by that pathetic binge. I don't know why I didn't take a "bathroom break" after making that terrible decision. I guess sometimes I forget that that is totally an option. At work it just doesn't come to mind.

Universe grant me control tomorrow!

Man I really wish I had a texting buddy who could yell at me to STOP when these situations come up. I really think that would make a difference for me.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


Good morning. I woke up from terrible dreams and my whole body hurt. I'm trying to get out of this recent, awful haze of what feels like very little sleep. Like I said, putting aside the Xanax has really changed my sleep. I feel like shit when I wake up. However, feeling like shit pretty much squashes hunger. Like right now, I am eating a Luna bar and told myself I'd just take small bites to keep it going ... thing is, all I can take is small bites. My whole body feels disgusting and not just in a fat way. Of course, I have to remind myself that I *am* on my period. That's definitely part of it, too.

So I'm nibbling on my Luna bar (190), sipping on a diet soda hoping the caffeine will lessen the haze, and thinking about the rest of the day. I was considering taking a frozen pizza for lunch today, but that would put me close to 500 calories for the day. Yesterday's sandwich was probably in the range of 600-700, so I've got to make up for it today. So instead, I'll take a bag of popcorn (100) and a few grapes for lunch. I might try to avoid the popcorn, but that would be three days in a row of not really eating on my lunch break. I should probably give myself a few calories to keep me going through the workday (although popcorn is not exactly the most substantial "meal").

I meant to get up early enough to go buy a new pair of work pants. The ones I bought a couple of months ago are super baggy and I'm constantly pulling them up. I think they are size 12. It's hard to believe that's how big I was just a few months ago. I mean, they were a bit big on me because I worry about shrinkage, but the point is, I was not confident buying a size 10. Now, I'm guessing I'm a size 8 ... still not where I want to be, but it's not bad for just a couple months' work. And it's totally the lowest I've been in I don't know how long.

Wow. I still haven't finished my bar. I still have like 1/4 of it left. Not bad at all.


Just got off work. I managed to avoid lunch for the most part. I did have a diet soda and a handful of grapes.  But lord, just entering my apartment, I instantly think, "What can I eat?" I thought about having some shelled peanuts ... those are so fatty (although it's "good" fat) and calorie-heavy ... and messy. I'm proud to say I rejected that idea pretty quickly. Then I thought of my last Luna bar in the cupboard ... but that's like a "meal" for me and I don't need to eat 190 calories before I go to bed. Then I thought about the low-calorie frozen pizzas I have in the fridge, but they are microwave-only and I don't have a microwave. I'm realizing that those were a really smart purchase; I can ONLY have them for lunch at work. I have no way to eat them at home.

And that basically exhausted my options. I have some low-cal deli ham and sandwich thins, but that shit adds up quickly too. Plus, I already had a REAL sandwich today. I'm not really in the mood for a folded piece of bread and a few slices of ham.

The moral of the story is that I grabbed a 50-calorie rice cake. Yeah, yeah, I said I was done for the day ... but considering my stomach was pushing me really hard to give it something, I think my mind put up a damn good fight. No binge here.

I weighed in near the end of my shift (10 hours post-sandwich) and came up at 149.9. That's up 1.4 from yesterday but I'm gonna blame the bloat that came with my period tonight. I need to keep reminding myself that that's a very real weight-altering change ... no need to beat myself up until I see where I actually am when it's over. Of course I'll still be weighing myself at work the next two days, but whatever. I'll try to keep calm about the numbers.

I need to get myself to sleep before my stomach gets any more powerful.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


One other thing to add: The guy I've been smutting around with (we are not in a relationship; basically we run into each other at the bar and have drunken sex occasionally ... have been seeing him a lot more often lately though) is always telling me I'm beautiful. He wants to keep the lights on. He tells me he doesn't know why I'm so weird about my body. He constantly says, "I love your stomach." It's weird though because the way I interpret that is that I have a "cute little belly" or something. My stomach is far from flat. I stay on the bottom to hide that a little better, but things progress and there I am, fat and flabby in front of him. I always feel insecure, no matter how many ways he compliments me. Even if I continue to lose weight, I'm not sure I'll ever lose that feeling. Insecurity doesn't go away just because you lose weight or take medication or whatever. 10 years ago when I was a skinny high-schooler, I was insecure. I mean, I know it's nothing special for a girl to be insecure ... it's fucking rare to find any female who isn't.

Anyway, that's all. I just remembered that whole "stomach" thing and had to share it. He's weird ... and he's super skinny and has amazing muscular arms so I just feel like I'm not worthy to be with him in any way. The only thing that helps me be with him is alcohol. I couldn't do this without it. I'm by no means an alcoholic ... I drink like twice a week ... but that's all I can do to be with him.

OK, gotta get ready for work. Ugh.


It's been a weird few days. I succumbed to pizza after getting drunk on Thursday ... ate a small amount of leftovers on Friday ... Saturday I don't really remember what I did. Sunday was St. Patrick's Day and I drank all day but didn't eat anything. Played a lot of ping-pong on Thursday and Sunday. Had a lot of sex Thursday and Friday. Checked my weight at work yesterday and I still managed to lose a few pounds.

Ate only a cupcake and a brownie bite yesterday.

Just ate a Subway sandwich because I woke up feeling weak and shaky. It's kind of nice that those sandwiches are not insanely calorie-heavy but are super filling. Won't be eating anything else today. Not gonna weigh myself till the end of my workday because this sandwich is sitting like a log in my stomach. Should be getting my period any hour now, so I'm certainly bloated as well.

So my weight yesterday was 148.5 ... not bad considering I wasn't exactly disciplined this weekend.

Even though I fell off the wagon for a week or two or whatever that was, I'm already nearing the lowest weight I had during those couple of weeks of ABC back in January. I'm pretty sure my low was 147. I was worried when I started back up that I probably put it all back on, but honestly it turned out to not be so bad. Not really sure how the hell that worked.

I decided to put the Skinny Girl diet off for a couple of weeks because I'll be going home twice. My parents always take me out to dinner and I always eat like shit, but I'm gonna work hard to reign it in. I don't know if it's just the grumpiness of PMS but the past few days I just haven't given a shit about food. I didn't really care today, but like I said, I was feeling physically weak and I do have a 10-hour workday ahead of me. Actually kind of hoping it'll be busy so I'll move around a lot. I work at a desk, but there are lots of spurts of fast walking and this and that.

I think part of the reason I was so shaky when I woke up is because I didn't take any Xanax yesterday. My body is used to at least two per day, but I'm running low so I'm trying to chill out in case there are times I really really need it. I didn't sleep much ... but I couldn't get myself out of bed. I've been feeling really depressed recently and it's not just the PMS. The desire to quit my bipolar meds is getting stronger and stronger every week ... I just don't want to do it anymore. I am dead inside. And I'm convinced that I'm not actually crazy. And if I am, well, that's me. I'm sick of being some ghost of myself.

I just want to torture myself.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

walking alone

I still feel a little uncomfortable with this whole "free" fruits and vegetables thing. I just had about a cup of salad and a few grapes and I'm like, "Well, that was a meal." So how is it not? (Maybe because I'm till starving.)

Today's plan ...

Lunch - Mixed baby greens/spinach salad with 2 tablespoons of Italian dressing, about eight grapes and a diet Dr Pepper (50 without fruit/veggie)

Snack - Half of a Luna bar (95)

Dinner - Popcorn and diet Dr Pepper (100)

Snack - Other half of Luna bar (95)

This would make me 40 calories over. Maybe I'll just eat half the bag of popcorn. I don't want to give up my Luna bar; I fucking love those things.

I did, however, take a walk to the post office when I woke up this morning. I didn't time myself exactly, but I'd say it was about 20 minutes. So, what's that ... 50-odd calories? Pretty sad, but at least I did SOMETHING. I've been so lazy lately. It helps if I have a destination when I take a walk. Not a whole lot of places I need to go though.

It's my Friday and I fully plan on going out for drinks tomorrow night. Fifty calories per shot of whiskey. Even before dieting, it's common for me to go out without eating before and come home to pass out without eating anything. I typically have three whiskey-waters and two shots, so technically I'll have another 150 to give myself maybe as a drunken snack. That ain't bad at all.

But that's tomorrow. One day at a time. Going to work in 30 minutes and already drooling in anticipation of my first break with my Luna bar. I am so hungry. It's kind of cool to have something to look forward to, though.


Goddamn I puked the hell out of those little bitch pizzas. Chewed and spit out about one of the four, then immediately hit the toilet. I've found that when I think I'm almost done and put my finger down my throat, I should let some of the vomit stay on my fingers. It sounds disgusting, yeah, but it really helps me get grossed out and puke up more than I thought I could.

I know I shouldn't purge, but I feel like 50 percent less guilty about what I just ate in the past half-hour. My body doesn't feel heavy and gross. My mind knows I fucked up, but my stomach is OK. I think I feel slightly less hungry than I did when I got off work, which means I definitely let some of that get all the way down my gullet, unfortunately.

The thing I am looking forward to about Skinny Girl is the fruit/veggie "freebie" rule. I'm not going to abuse it by any means, but I like the idea of waking up to a nice salad with the dressing of my choice (because that'll be all I count) and a big bowl of grapes. I know I said I'd "restart" tomorrow, but I'm just gonna roll with it. Compared to ABC, this diet will be easier to keep up (now that I've gotten the early denial stage out of the way). 400, then 300, then 400 again? Damn that sounds like heaven right there.

Of course, it'd be a lot easier to get through if I had a buddy. I am too nervous to seek one out though. Like, I'm too old to be doing this (28) or my weight is too high or too low to match up to someone else. As much as this blog helps, I need to be accountable to someone other than myself if I really want to make this work.

saddle up

Well, the past month has just had too much going on that I fell again.

I weighed myself today and I'm at 153.6 after eating lunch. Ugh. I mean, it's still not as bad as it was before I started ABC, but I totally just fucked myself over after a lot of hard work.

Trying to get back on track now. I figured ABC was a little too hardcore for a gal of my size, so I'm going with Skinny Girl. Day one was going so well ... had some Reddi egg whites for breakfast (which I found absolutely disgusting so I didn't eat much of that), a rice cake, then I split a Luna bar (190) in half and had one on each 15-minute break. 100-calorie popcorn for lunch. And of course a bunch of sugar-free gum mixed in there.

Great, right? Well, that was until I went to the store after work. I made it through aisles and aisles of cookies and chocolate and chips and ignored it all ... I made it all the way to the checkout and saw the mini Cadbury creme eggs. I didn't even allow myself to think about it. My brain yelled, "I WANT!" so I bought them. I then came home and devoured all 12 of them. I spit a few out after chewing and just got done purging as best I could ... it's hard to tell whether you're getting chocolate/filling out when it's pretty liquidy the moment it hits your mouth. But I pushed hard. I know that doesn't make up for it ... but I just had to.

And now I'm cooking up a four-piece 230 calorie pizza tray and plan to purge that as well. Jesus, I didn't even make it through the first day. I was so proud of planning out my whole day and keeping it just below 400, as it should have been. Fucking grocery shopping.

But I didn't buy anything else dangerous. I bought a bunch of those Luna bars because they are amazing at satisfying my chocolate cravings and can be split up through the day.

So I guess I've already failed this attempt. I guess I can "start over" tomorrow. I mean, when you break it down, I didn't go completely off the deep end today ... maybe I needed to ease myself back in. I'm actually still hoping that somehow that scale will give me good news tomorrow.

And I need to fucking start exercising. I enjoy walking, and should start doing it first thing when I wake up. And as soon as the employee gym reopens, I'll hit that after my shift ends at 5am. Shouldn't be too many people there to see my fat ass trying to jog on a machine.

I'm gonna go eat my little pizza things and then do my best to get rid of them. This is not a good cycle right now.

Thursday, January 31, 2013


Well, I had to eat today. Maybe not as much as I did, but I had to. I went to a tattoo appointment and nearly passed out just standing up for 30 seconds. Even when I sat down I was worried about passing out. I feel kind of sick after eating that food, especially because I had a binge day so quickly into the diet. But I do need to stay alive. I'm wondering if I should do the double-ABC diet to keep myself going. I haven't been getting much sleep lately and that's affecting me as well. I took on an extra shift tonight and I'm already wishing I hadn't. I am so tired and feel so weak. I just want to lie in bed for the next two days. I guess that'll have to start tomorrow.

I feel shitty ... I feel like that one large meal alone knocked me up five pounds. Gross.

Hope anyone out there is doing better.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


So, all told, it was 41 hours of fasting (unless you count the 5-calorie piece of gum and the 8 calories of candy). I immediately went to the store when I woke up and bought some more deli ham and some tortillas with which to wrap the meat. That's it for me today, except for the few calories I'll have from gum at work tonight.

It's amazing how, after fasting, 140 calories at once manages to "fill" me up. I feel more awake and energetic already. I dunno how I'll feel come dinnertime without anything to eat. But I needed a big lunch.

It's funny, because on Monday I realized that I hadn't had a bowel movement in probably a week or more. I couldn't even remember how long. But after I ate my frozen pizza, I had one. Then I had another the next morning and another when I woke up today (after the fast even!). Definitely a relief.

I'm nearing two weeks of ABC and feeling good, feeling proud. I really hope I can keep it up at least for another couple of weeks before I go home and family/friends will be seeing me eat. I switched a couple of days this week to give myself 400 on Super Bowl Sunday, which means 250 on Friday. I'm sure I will actually surpass 400 on Sunday, but I will be as good as possible considering all the whiskey-waters I'll be drinking and the endless amazing food temptations. It will be very difficult, to say the least. I hope that doesn't make all my progress for naught. I'll be good up till Sunday and I'll be good in the days after ... that has to count for something?

Today's my Friday and it's going to be a long, tough weekend. I'll need to drink a shit-ton of tea and try to sleep as much as possible to pass the time. Depending on the weather, maybe I'll take a nice drive to a beach out of town ... maybe one where I can hunt for agates.

Not sure if anybody reads this anymore (I doubt it), but best wishes to all! Stay strong.

ups and downs

Well, I made it through fasting day. Technically I guess I'm still going. It was 24 hours from midnight to midnight ... I actually did chew ONE piece of gum before I made it to 24 hours, but I had to. I stupidly took diet pills on an empty stomach which led to me vomiting quite profusely. I was at work with vomit mouth, so there's 5 calories from the gum. I think that's acceptable though!

At midnight, I let myself have three York peppermint pieces (10 calories to start my 150 day today). I just got home from work and will be going to bed soon, so I won't actually complete my fast until I wake up tomorrow. Which, if you don't count those small calorie intakes, will make my fast about 39-40 hours. Crazy.

I made it through work fine, other than the bad trip from the diet pills. They made me shaky and dizzy, but once I puked, I was able to make it through the rest of the day easily.

I weighed myself three times tonight, and each time it gave me something different. First it said I was up .6 pounds, then like an hour later it said I was actually down .4, then a few hours later, it said I had lost an entire pound on my fast day. Who knows ... but I liked the lowest number best -- 147.1. We'll see what it has to say tomorrow. Then I'm off work for five days (including Super Bowl Sunday, yikes) so I won't be able to see my progress for that long. I'm mostly just worried about the long weekend because that's a lot of time at home and I know I'll be hungry the whole damn time.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

first fast

It was a good day. Down .3 pounds since last night. Rrrrrrreally enjoyed my frozen pizza for lunch. Kept my count at exactly 400.

The fast started at midnight and, with how my work schedule is, will probably end up being more like a 36-hour fast. I'll be sleeping through a lot of it and working through the rest, so I'm hoping for the best. I didn't chew any gum after midnight, so I've had terrible breath and a dry mouth all night, but I avoided those few calories and stuck with it. :)

Work kicked my ass tonight ... you'd think the lack of food would make that difficult to bear and drain my energy, but I gotta tell you, I feel like my energy is up since I started ABC. I feel light and quick and maybe the increasing confidence gives me that extra little pep to get through these busy nights.

I expect this to change quickly, as the calorie counts are just going to drop in the next couple of weeks. I'm taking a multivitamin every day though. I've always wondered if those things really work at all. But it's better than nothing.

I'm gonna go sleep like a baby now.

Monday, January 28, 2013

can't fight this feeling

I was pretty much super excited to go to work tonight because I hadn't checked my weight since Thursday night. I wanted to check it right away, but I knew I needed to let my lunch digest a bit first. So I waited until about 4.5 hours into my shift and ...

I lost 6.1 pounds in those three days! I cannot tell you how fucking thrilled I was. Even that cupcake couldn't diminish my hard work this weekend.

I'm below 150 for the first time in probably three years. Since I started restricting (20 days ago), I've lost a total 11.4 pounds. 6.7 of that was during my first week of ABC. Not a bad start! 

But still, I'm fucking fat. My shirts fit a lot better now, but my love handles are nowhere near improved. I want to be able to feel my hip bones again. That feeling will be so great.

In all honesty, though, I am very happy that tomorrow is a 400 day. That means I can take a "lean" frozen pizza for my dinner break at work. Yummmmy! I need something a little more substantial before going into the fast. I am nervous about the fast, for sure. I hope I don't get too weak or tired. Also, a fast day means I can't chew gum during the second half of my shift. :p And normally I chew quite a bit of gum at work. But they're 5 calories apiece, so no go. I'll just have to drink more water to keep my mouth from getting bored.

I am so happy about my progress and I don't want to lose this feeling. I haven't felt this good about my body in three years ... and it's only going to get better.

Sunday, January 27, 2013


Well, I had to leave the party before things went any further downhill. I ate half a breadstick, a bacon-wrapped date, one slice of red bell pepper and ... a fucking cupcake. I could have at least cut that goddamn cupcake in half, but I lost control. I also had three cocktails.

Obviously I surpassed 300 today. I actually surpassed 500 by like 20-30 calories. It's hard to really get exact numbers on calorie counts when half of the stuff is homemade, but let's try (based on my calorie counter app and online resources).

Less than half bacon slice: 20 (ish, but that seems too low to me)
One small date: 23
Half breadstick: 35 (ish)
Slice of bell pepper: 1
Three whiskey shots: 166 (ish)
Yellow cupcake with white icing: 250 (ish)

Well, by those estimates, I came out at 495. My calorie counter app says like 524. It's hard for me to believe that half a slice of bacon is only 20 calories. That seems wayyyy too low.

So this means that tomorrow will have to be my 300 day and Monday will be my 400 before I fast on Tuesday. I feel slightly guilty ... mostly about that cupcake, but goddamn it was good. I haven't had a sweet treat like that in I don't know how long. And believe me, I wanted a second cupcake. I also stared at the last half-breadstick on the table and thought, that could be mine ... but I resisted. I left. I was probably the first to leave. I couldn't handle the temptation of more drinks (which would make me want more food). So I left when I thought I might spiral out of control.

I'm glad I took that walk today, to lessen the blow of all those evil foods. Hopefully that made up for at least a tiny fraction of my transgressions.

Tomorrow will be easy to stick to my number. Workdays are always easy to restrict. And like I said, I am super excited to check my weight tomorrow. I really hope I'm not disappointed because I expect greatness.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

feeling good

Took a little walk today. My knee is finally feeling better so I figured I better get started, especially because it was a sunny day. Cold, but sunny. Burned about 135 calories I guess. I knew I'd get a bit warm from the brisk walk, so I put on my favorite old pair of jeans (which are basically ripped to shreds), which are a size 8. Not long ago, I was a 12. I'm still wearing my 12s because I just fucking bought all these pants within the past year. My belt keeps going up a notch or two. Maybe after my tax return comes I'll get new pants. It will be motivation to stick with this. I don't like wasting money, so I do NOT want to outgrow new pants.

So I haven't eaten anything yet today; saving it all for the party later. And actually, I feel fine. My hunger pangs have subsided in the past couple of days. I know I'm hungry, but my tummy is not yelling at me so much. I can't decide what to give myself today, though. I've read about ABC dieters switching days when they know they'll be eating with other people, so I could give myself 500 today and do 300 on Monday instead. I don't know. I mean, I'll try to be good, but if I end up going overboard, as long as I stay at 500 I can make up for it in a couple of days. But I want to be strong enough to do 300 as the schedule says.

In conclusion, I'm feeling good. It was good to get some exercise and I'm proud of myself for making it through the first week of ABC. I have to congratulate myself on each step in hopes that it will help me stick with it. I can't wait to weigh myself tomorrow. I'm only using the professional scale at the hospital so I haven't weighed myself since Thursday. I feel like I look different ... also, when I weighed myself last week I had just gotten my period. So water weight and all that was surely a factor in my weigh-in.

I better get ready for this party. And I will be smart and strong!

playing chicken

Whose bright idea was it to watch "Top Chef"?

wrapped in worry

A lot of writing today, but I need something to pass the time. I still need to wait a few hours before I go to bed (my graveyard work shift means a weird sleep schedule) and I'm not exactly hungry, but I think that's because I've been doing things to keep my mind distracted.

So Thursday was a bad day, Friday was a good day and Saturday will be a challenge. I'm going to a sort of housewarming party that I've been looking forward to for a while. Of course I knew there'd be booze, but the hostess just sent out a note saying she's got tons of snacks and things wrapped in bacon ... good god. I don't know how I'm gonna do it. Fucking bacon. Glorious, terrible bacon. I would say, "have just one" ... but as we all know, that's a dangerous slip that, if you're not careful, will turn into a fall. And as much as I love drinking, I've been thinking about not doing so at the party, which would actually weird people out more than the no-bacon thing. But jesus, man, 50-60 calories per shot? Drinking used to be something I looked forward to, something that relaxed me. Now I just sip on those drinks and count the calories up and up and up. I mean, I can just make myself a whiskey and water and nurse that baby all night. Then that would give me a little bit of breathing room for a couple SMALL snacks. I'm going to try not to eat at all before the party tomorrow. I'll save my calories for the party. It might be nice to eat something other than the stupid sandwiches and salads and popcorn I've been eating lately.

But I will stay in control. I will be aware of everything that touches my lips. I will ponder every decision as if it were life or death. I will treat myself but I will not destroy my progress. I will stay away from all of the snacks for as long as possible. I'll want something the moment I get there, but I'll tell myself to wait a half-hour ... an hour ... keep waiting, keep fighting. I am stronger than bacon.

Friday, January 25, 2013

the little things

Quick note: This e-cigarette is EXTREMELY helpful in keeping me away from food. I am definitely one of those oral-fixation people, but at least I have something other than food in my mouth!

That's what she said. Hey-oh!

day six

So yesterday was the big blind date. I did what I needed to do: only ate a salad. I got a large salad so it wouldn't look too suspicious (but then ended up "taking home" the other half). Vinaigrette dressing, of course. Only water to drink. I stared across the table at his lemon-garlic seasoned fries, trying to pay attention to whatever the hell he was saying but just thinking to myself, "Maybe just ONE. One wouldn't hurt." That voice, that statement is very dangerous, because honestly it's true. One french fry would not kill me. However, one french fry might lead to two might lead to three might lead to binge. So I just stared longingly, licking my lips.

I know for some of the more hardcore, long-term Anas this is nothing, but it's a lot for me. I'm already doing way better than my attempt the last time. The last time I gave in to more temptations, I let myself off too easily when I knew I shouldn't be eating some things. Which, obviously, ended with me giving up entirely. But this time around, I need to have faith in self-control. I need to believe I am stronger. I need to trust myself to be smart, aware and to know what is best for me. This is as much a psychological experiment as it is a diet habit. I really feel like I could come out of this thing a totally different person.

Anyway, after lunch we went out for drinks (probably a total of 250 calories, unfortunately). I pretty much knew from the lunch date that I wouldn't be able to hit the ABC day 5 limit of 100. I don't really know how that works; is the occasional fuck-up day OK or does one have to restart the whole thing? I'm just gonna go with it, knowing full well that when I go home to visit my parents/friends in three weeks it's going to be damn hard to restrict. My parents always take me out to dinner for some absurd fried food or giant Cobb salad or pizza or whatever ... I don't know how I'm going to get out of it. If I tell them my appetite has diminished, they're going to worry that it's related to the bipolar meds I take. A couple of the days, I can be like, "Oh I'm eating at Ann's," and then tell Ann, "Oh I ate with my parents." But Ann and I (and her boyfriend) are going to an electronic show in San Francisco that weekend, and Ann and I ALWAYS stop at this one restaurant, where we get a salad bar and split a pizza. I guess it won't be too hard to get out of the pizza thing. But I do need to have something in my stomach, as there will be much dancing and perhaps drugs at the show. I will, of course, stay hydrated with plenty of water :)

So basically I just have to make my trip home as short as possible. I actually made it a six-day weekend but that's way too long to be home. So I'll probably spend the first two or three days at home, keeping myself on the diet.

I'm not losing as quickly as I would like, but I know it's because I am not exercising in the least bit. I can't really blame it on the rain; the weather has not been terrible. I did, however, fall on my right knee a week ago and am still limping a bit. I actually had a doctor check it out, got on antibiotics to prevent infection ... will be done with those soon enough (can't wait).

So, yeah, I've been limping around work just trying to do my job, I can't exactly be out there power-walking right now. But the moment that pain goes away, I know what I have to do. I'm on this path and I need to follow it till the end. I need to stay as strong as I am right now. I can do this.

Weekends are already proving to be harder (I work 10-hour graveyard shifts Sunday-Wednesday, with Thursday, Friday and Saturday off). It's super easy to not eat at work, obviously! I'm grateful that my first fast day will be on a workday. I've accidentally fasted on workdays before, hah.

Today's limit: 200 calories

Half sandwich thin (50)
Three slices of lean deli chicken (25)

1 cup mixed greens, 1 slice of bell pepper (17.5)
10 salad spritzes (10) -- How did I not know about these before???

Second dinner:
Half sandwich thin (50)
Three slices of lean deli chicken (25)

Total: 177.5 calories

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

my return

Obviously I fell off the wagon pretty quickly. I don't really have any excuse for it ... just laziness, depression, laziness, loneliness, laziness, endless boredom. I'm going to leave that all behind and start from scratch here.
It all (re-)started just before the new year. I got sick; probably not the flu but definitely worse than your average cold. I was basically laid up in bed for seven days. I was just trying to sleep, sleep, sleep the sickness away, so I didn't get out of bed much, which means I didn't go to the kitchen much. Once it was (mostly) gone, I realized, "Shit, I had to have lost at least five pounds this week." Next thought: "Well you did promise yourself you'd lose weight for your little brother's wedding this summer. Roll with it." And finally -- "Let's do this."

So, I've basically been restricting for a few weeks, but this week I decided to make it for real. I started the ABC diet on Sunday and it's fine so far (although I read it will be hell soon enough). Been able to stay within my limits; in fact, today was 400 and it was actually difficult to eat that much. I could've easily done 200-300. Tomorrow, though, I'm worried. It's supposed to be a 100 day but I have a blind date who is taking me out to lunch. I already told him I'm only going to eat a salad, that normally I don't eat that early in the day so I'm not hungry blahblahblah. Who knows how many calories my salad will have, but at least it's just a salad. 

Work has been tough tonight. Not like the actual WORK part of work, but there have been too many temptations in my 10-hour workday. Everyone here knows how much I love candy and chocolate and cookies and the like ... first, I was given a bag full of probably 10 Hershey's Kisses and a handful of York peppermint pieces. That bag was like burning a hole in my hand. So to stamp it out, I did some calculations and let myself have five of the peppermint pieces. And boy were they amazing. But I still had the rest of the bag. I told myself, "You don't have to have them now, but you should save them, just in case ... " Definitely a battle with myself but finally put my foot down and thought, "Just in case WHAT? You'll never need these." Boom, put them in the employee cabinet.

Second temptation of the night: Another co-worker hands me a Big Kat bar, which instantly made me drool. I stared at it for a minute, looked at that calorie count (280), broke off about 1/10th of the bar and handed the rest off to another co-worker. I told him "FINISH THAT RIGHT NOW."

Third (slightly less tempting) temptation: Yet another co-worker hands me four Nutter Butters. I don't particularly like those cookies anyway, but still. Gave those away too.

They mean well, they do. They just don't know what I'm doing right now. And you know what? I am really proud of how strong I stayed through multiple challenges in one night. Four weeks ago, I would've swallowed WHOLE that candy. No doubt, candy is my lifelong weakness.