day six

So yesterday was the big blind date. I did what I needed to do: only ate a salad. I got a large salad so it wouldn't look too suspicious (but then ended up "taking home" the other half). Vinaigrette dressing, of course. Only water to drink. I stared across the table at his lemon-garlic seasoned fries, trying to pay attention to whatever the hell he was saying but just thinking to myself, "Maybe just ONE. One wouldn't hurt." That voice, that statement is very dangerous, because honestly it's true. One french fry would not kill me. However, one french fry might lead to two might lead to three might lead to binge. So I just stared longingly, licking my lips.

I know for some of the more hardcore, long-term Anas this is nothing, but it's a lot for me. I'm already doing way better than my attempt the last time. The last time I gave in to more temptations, I let myself off too easily when I knew I shouldn't be eating some things. Which, obviously, ended with me giving up entirely. But this time around, I need to have faith in self-control. I need to believe I am stronger. I need to trust myself to be smart, aware and to know what is best for me. This is as much a psychological experiment as it is a diet habit. I really feel like I could come out of this thing a totally different person.

Anyway, after lunch we went out for drinks (probably a total of 250 calories, unfortunately). I pretty much knew from the lunch date that I wouldn't be able to hit the ABC day 5 limit of 100. I don't really know how that works; is the occasional fuck-up day OK or does one have to restart the whole thing? I'm just gonna go with it, knowing full well that when I go home to visit my parents/friends in three weeks it's going to be damn hard to restrict. My parents always take me out to dinner for some absurd fried food or giant Cobb salad or pizza or whatever ... I don't know how I'm going to get out of it. If I tell them my appetite has diminished, they're going to worry that it's related to the bipolar meds I take. A couple of the days, I can be like, "Oh I'm eating at Ann's," and then tell Ann, "Oh I ate with my parents." But Ann and I (and her boyfriend) are going to an electronic show in San Francisco that weekend, and Ann and I ALWAYS stop at this one restaurant, where we get a salad bar and split a pizza. I guess it won't be too hard to get out of the pizza thing. But I do need to have something in my stomach, as there will be much dancing and perhaps drugs at the show. I will, of course, stay hydrated with plenty of water :)

So basically I just have to make my trip home as short as possible. I actually made it a six-day weekend but that's way too long to be home. So I'll probably spend the first two or three days at home, keeping myself on the diet.

I'm not losing as quickly as I would like, but I know it's because I am not exercising in the least bit. I can't really blame it on the rain; the weather has not been terrible. I did, however, fall on my right knee a week ago and am still limping a bit. I actually had a doctor check it out, got on antibiotics to prevent infection ... will be done with those soon enough (can't wait).

So, yeah, I've been limping around work just trying to do my job, I can't exactly be out there power-walking right now. But the moment that pain goes away, I know what I have to do. I'm on this path and I need to follow it till the end. I need to stay as strong as I am right now. I can do this.

Weekends are already proving to be harder (I work 10-hour graveyard shifts Sunday-Wednesday, with Thursday, Friday and Saturday off). It's super easy to not eat at work, obviously! I'm grateful that my first fast day will be on a workday. I've accidentally fasted on workdays before, hah.

Today's limit: 200 calories

Lunch:
Half sandwich thin (50)
Three slices of lean deli chicken (25)

Dinner:
1 cup mixed greens, 1 slice of bell pepper (17.5)
10 salad spritzes (10) -- How did I not know about these before???

Second dinner:
Half sandwich thin (50)
Three slices of lean deli chicken (25)

Total: 177.5 calories