polar bear

It was a weird week. I had a couple of bad days in there, but then I fasted for almost 48 hours (well, not really ... I had booze and gum). I ate when I got home from work last night.

And I just had lunch - two servings of spicy sweet potato fries (260) and two fake-chicken strips (100) with ketchup and mustard (50ish) So I just ate 400ish calories and I am fucking STUFFED. No lie. I couldn't eat more right now if I wanted to.

My plan is for that to be it for the night (once again, excluding sugar-free gum). With that number of calories, I'll basically be "restarting" SGD. Ugh. We'll see. I already want a fucking cookie or something.

Oh, and even though I was fucking around all week, I did at least lose .3 pounds since my last weigh-in a week ago. I thought for sure I would've gained, and gained BAD.

So, about 141.6.

Still chipping away ...

and again

Here we are in a brand-new week. I am restarting SGD today. My weekend wasn't a complete disaster, despite my brain's attempt to get me to order pizza, etc. Yesterday was the only day of my weekend that I just stayed home all day, which is hard, as we all know. I did munch on stuff basically all day, but the one saving point is that everything in my house right now is my low-cal shit. So even though I ate like four rice cakes in a row, that's probably still about half of what I would have been ingesting with just like TWO Oreos. I ate two salads, some grapes, a kind-of sandwich thing ... anyway, the point is, yes I ate a lot yesterday but I at least got my brain to shut up about junk food. I'm guessing I ended up at like 800 calories.

Which means it's time to get my act together.

Day 1 (400)

Lunch:
Salad w/carrot and bell pepper (0) and Italian dressing (50)
Half sandwich thin w/ 3/4 serving of deli chicken (83)
Greek yogurt (80)

Dinner plan:
Popcorn (100)

Total: 313 cal

So that gives me some wiggle room ... which I really shouldn't give myself. Wiggle room can get out of hand really easily. I'm going to take grapes to work with me as well ... I had such a big lunch that I'm really not hungry right now, so my dinner plan should be just fine. I'd like to try to stay BELOW the SGD daily limit rather than being so on-the-nose about it. I have to find a way to make this work.

I will be weighing myself at work today, having not weighed myself since Wednesday. It's always so nerve-wracking.

back and forth

After fasting the other day, I binged the next day. I bought a frozen pizza and ice cream ... possibly the worst choices of all. But it was a shitty day, I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted comfort food. It gave me comfort, no doubt, but it also gave me 1.2 pounds.

Soooo I'm fasting again. I'm almost at 24 hours now, and I'm gonna take some fruit to work for dinner in case I decide to break the fast. But I am going to try to keep it going until tomorrow afternoon, which would give me close to 48 hours. Then I suppose I'll just restart SGD. Tomorrow starts my weekend, so there will be drinking, but if I get hungry-drunk, I'll eat smart.

I'm actually feeling OK right now. Hungry, of course, but I'm really hoping I can make it another day. If not, by the time my dinner break rolls around, I'll have fasted for 30 hours.

Here we go again!

easing in

Well, I'm at 24 hours of fasting. I'm going to attempt to continue for another seven hours, until my dinner break at work at midnight. And then I guess I'll just pick up where I left off on SGD. Mostly because if I start on the day I'm supposed to be on (Day 10 - 400 cal), then my weekend will fall on the 650 and 700 days. I don't know. I've totally missed the mark on so many days ... but maybe the 31-hour fast combined with the 30-45 minute walk I took against the wind this afternoon will put me back where I want to be. I better have at least dropped that .4 pounds I gained from my weekend. I have been really good about taking my diet pills. I might take an extra dose again tonight. My bulging stomach needs it.

Seven hours to food. And I have 400 calories to spend. I think maybe I'll just take one of my 280-calorie frozen pizzas. I have to remind myself that I don't NEED to hit that many calories. I'll take an apple to work with me as well. Maybe a rice cake, too. That'll still keep me below 400. I don't want to overdo it and make myself sick, though.

to restart or not restart ...

Well, whatever. I ate some stuff today. I didn't really keep track of it, but it did include a grilled cheese sandwich (low fat cheese at least, but still 90 cal for two slices). I felt like a failure, because after the weekend I had with lots of alcohol, some pizza, peanuts, whatever else ... I was determined to start my workweek better (I work Sun-Wed, by the way).

So after I had probably a 500-600 calorie lunch, I decided after would be the beginning of a fast day. I believe I finished lunch at like 5-5:30 pm. I didn't have anything on my dinner break at work, took an extra dose of diet pills (supposed to be only two times a day), and made it through the rest of the night. The scale of course kept telling me different things all night (I obsessively check; probably like 4-5 times a day), but it seems I gained .4 pounds over the weekend ... not too terrifying considering that fucking pizza which very much concerned me.

My fast can technically end at 6 p.m. tomorrow, but I'm going to try to push it to my "lunch break" at midnight, putting me at a more than 30-hour fast. I really don't know what to do next. Do I restart SGD? Do I just plug along with the schedule and occasionally throw in fasting days if I slip up?

And for the record, my fasts include gum. I can't NOT chew gum at work, that would drive me nuts and my mouth would salivate for something to be in it. Gum is just something I ignore. Whatever, so it's not a true fast. I'm not fucking EATING though, that's for damn sure.

Work was fucking boring tonight so I'm tired. By the time I wake up for work, I'll be almost to my 24 hours. And then I will plan the most fantastic lunch and be very anxious to see that scale :)

dread

I already ate more calories than I was supposed to today. I wasn't super bingey this weekend, but I am not looking forward to that scale. I guarantee it went up. Now that it's a new workweek I can keep it together. Fucking weekends are hard.

I drank many drinks. I ate about slightly less than a serving of peanuts, not sure. I banged my un-boyfriend for a couple of hours. I want food, I want so much food right now but I'm fighting it. My original plan once this night was over was to fast for 24 hours. So I'll go to sleep now and won't be able to eat until about 8:30 p.m. Then I have 400 calories. I guess. This all gets very complicated when drunk. God, I'm so hungry. I think I took enough Xanax to knock me out for a while, though. I'm hoping the Xanax knocks me out before I give up and eat. No, I'm not going to eat. I am still so fucking disgusting. I don't care that I've lost 13 pounds in three weeks. It's not enough. I am so disgusting. I want to fucking blow my brains out.

I WILL NOT EAT.

true "restricting"

So yesterday was my first weekend day, with a limit of 650. I went to the bar after eating only a banana and had about eight drinks all told, as I expected. This left me without roughly 300 calories for food.

Buuuut then my un-boyfriend picked me up to take pizza and a movie to his house. I tried to only have one slice (and they're the giant, New York style pizzas) of this amazing tomato-basil-feta kind ... soo fucking amazing. Then ... half a slice of plain cheese (ripped off pepperoni) ... then, when he went to the shower, I grabbed another of the veggie slices from the fridge.

Fuck. Honestly, I'm surprised that didn't destroy my stomach. That's the most I've eaten in a long time. Definitely the greasiest, too.

I'm going to try to rationalize at least one slice by saying that I walked to the bar, I played about an hour of ping-pong and had at least an hour of sex. All of that counts for a little bit of exercise!

Today is another 650 day but it's also my baseball team's home opener, which my friend and I will be watching at the bar ... with drinks ... and shelled peanuts. I can pretty much guarantee that's a no. But here's my plan, since the first two days of my weekend are shit, the third shall be for fasting. I need to get some stuff done around the house, so I should be able to keep busy. I'm also gonna try to get some nose candy to suppress my appetite and keep me moving.

I will give myself at least the tiniest pat on the back: Just now, when the un-boyfriend dropped me off, I walked into my apartment thinking, "Well, I'm hungry and I already fucked up. I should eat whatever I want since it's already ruined." I think that is the hardest voice to fight. It's not the voice that first tells you to take a bite ... it's the voice that tries to convince you that any amount of eating is a mess-up, and because you already ruined today's progress, you might as well give up and give in. But there's a big difference between eating more than I want to/need to/should and bingeing. Just because my day was a failure does NOT mean I should allow it to become a completely embarrassing, disgusting and damaging disaster.

I think that's when I feel the strongest ... when I make the inevitable mistake but don't allow it to control me. I always have the strength to take back control.

first bite

Well, fuck. I messed up today. I had half a chocolate chip cookie early in the night, so in an attempt to make up for it, I only ate about half of my breakfast sandwich (let's round up to make that like 120 cals instead of 210). Great work, right? Then, my favorite co-worker gave me a giant peanut butter cup cookie. Fuck. Honestly, I didn't even TRY to resist. I just did it, without thinking. I ate about 1/3 of that giant cookie. THEN of course suddenly my sweet tooth is like, "YES, THAT. MORE!" So I had six Robin Eggs and five peanut M&Ms. I wanted more, way more, but I fought the voice that said, "Well, you've fucked up now. Just keep going." Fuck that voice.

So with these cookies it's hard to calculate calories, but doing some calorie counting tells me that those cookie portions and chocolate candies put me up a whopping 380 calories over my 450 limit. Jesus Christ. I need to remember: If I have one bite of a treat, I will want more. I will somehow need more. But if I don't take that first bite, I feel that moment of triumph and can hold on to that.

I want to continue SGD, so I'm going to do what I did the other day when I messed up: adjust the following day. I don't know how important it is to strictly follow the calorie limits of each day. I mean, what if I want to fast in the middle of SGD? It seems like that should be acceptable. As long as you are keeping calorie counts low and alternating your allowance for each day to trick your body ...

Anyway, tomorrow is my first day off after a loooooong workweek. I plan on drinking. I have already calculated that if I have three cocktails and three shots, I'll probably be looking at 350 calories. I'm allowed 650 for tomorrow ... I won't be eating before going to the bar ... I will try not to eat at all tomorrow, but I figured it'd be best to save any possible calories until AFTER I drink (when I'll want to eat everything on the planet).

Oh, weigh-in was 142.2 -- down another 1.1 from yesterday. I won't be able to weigh myself again until Sunday, which might be a good thing. I'm hoping to see some encouraging results ... as long as I have a strong weekend.

ready to share

I wish I would have taken photos when I started, but I just didn't feel comfortable about it. Here I am, fatty at 143 pounds. My posture may not be so great in the last one, but whatever. I'm fat.

maxed out

Day 5 (450)

Lunch:
Fruit salad - apple, pear, raspberry (0)
Salad with bell pepper and carrot (0)
Italian dressing (37.5)
Half sandwich thin (50)
Deli ham (60)
Greek yogurt (80)
1/3 tbs Cool Whip (3.3)

Dinner plan:
Breakfast sandwich (210)
Banana (0)

Total: 440.8

I really like to max out my calorie limits, don't I? That was the biggest lunch I've had in quite a while and it definitely shut up my grumbling stomach. I still feel like I could eat a LOT more, but I won't. I'll have plenty of energy for the first half of my workday. And I know my little breakfast sandwich isn't the healthiest thing, but hey, if I'm gonna make it through this diet, I need to allow myself to have some low-cal junk.

Looking forward to checking the scale before dinner (about seven hours from now). I really hope my successful day yesterday will be reflected there.

Next step: I need to start exercising. Restricting will only get me so far. I have a three-day weekend starting tomorrow and the plan is to walk at least an hour each of those days. And I'm gonna call our employee health department and figure out how I can get access to the employee-only gym so I can start getting real workouts after my shift is over.

Still feeling good!

meeting goals

I ended the day with almost exactly 300 calories. It would have been 278, but my co-worker gave me a 3 Musketeers mini, which are fucking 56 calories each. I couldn't do that to myself. I took a tiny bite (probably 1/4 of it) and almost took another bite, but my brain screamed at me, THROW IT AWAY. So I did, immediately. That tiny bite alone was like 14 calories. I had 22 to spare after lunch/dinner, so hey, I reached my goal of 300 with 8 calories to spare. Hah. I did it! I ate 200 calories fewer than what was "allowed" today. I think that evens me out from yesterday. 

For lunch I had this Luna fruit-filled chocolate fiber bar and it was soooo effing good. I'm definitely going to get more of those. 110 calories - not bad for something that basically tastes like a cookie, yet is much healthier and more filling.

When I weighed myself before dinner, I was at 143.3. I've lost 1.1 pounds for the past three days in a row. Creeping down to my lowest weight since my mental breakdown ...

I went grocery shopping after work and only bought low-cal items (except for shelled peanuts for baseball games). Honestly, it was one of the first times that I wasn't tempted by bad things. When I was checking out, there were these two girls behind me and I looked at what they were buying ... chips, treats, giant blocks of cheese ... and guess what? These chicks were fat. I wouldn't touch what they were buying with a 10-foot pole.

It was also one of the first times that I didn't even consider eating any of my food when I got home. We all know how hard it is to go grocery shopping while hungry. I was licking my lips as I was putting the food away. But I did put it away. I never eat past 1 a.m. and never eat before 3 p.m. I see this as a 12-plus-hour fast every day. I ain't breaking that and eating right before I go to bed. Hell no.

I've lost 12 pounds in 23 days. I'm hoping this speeds up a little more ... I am definitely more disciplined now than I was during any previous attempt, so I am confident.

I will look good in that bridesmaid's dress this summer. I will.

make-up day

Well, like I said, yesterday wasn't very successful. I'm going to cut out 200 calories today in hopes of making up for yesterday. I can't guarantee that I won't up that 100 calories, depending how the work night goes and if I need more energy. I bought a new diet pill today (Ketone RX), so hopefully that will take care of the energy factor. I also took a multivitamin ... that is something I need to be more disciplined about. I've always had problems getting recommended doses of vitamins and minerals, so I know that I'm extreeeemely low while on SGD.

Day 4 (500)

Lunch:
Fruit salad - apple, raspberry, pear (0)
Half sandwich thin (50)
Veggie burger (110)
Mustard (10)

Dinner plan:
Luna fiber bar (110)

Total: 280

If I need something more substantial for lunch, I'll have one of those tasty breakfast sandwiches (210). That would keep me under 400. I am going to try my damndest to reach my goal of 300.

misstep

Not the best day. With drinks and snacks (not all unhealthy) at work, I definitely surpassed 400. Probably more like 700-800. I feel like garbage. Lately, when I falter and eat something I know I shouldn't, my stomach gets pissed. I feel like puking every fucking time.

Tomorrow's supposed to be 500 calories but I think I'll try for 300 or 400 to make up for today. I just need enough to get me through what will probably be another long night at work. I definitely didn't lose control today; I turned down a bunch of junk food and fought the desire for a big sandwich after getting tipsy.

Here's to a new day.

Oh, but at the end of the day, I weighed in at 144.4, which is down 1.1 from yesterday. Let's keep this up.

cake: 0, me: 1

So at work tonight I ripped a tortilla in half and added a small serving of carnita-style pork with a little salsa. I calculated that at 130 calories. Then I had six tortilla chips with about a spoonful of salsa con queso at about 100 calories, giving me about 20 calories to spare. It was a girl's birthday, so there were TWO chocolate cakes in the break room. I wanted a slice SOOOO badly. I gave myself a forkful (with no frosting), chewed a bit and spit it out. I also chewed up about 1/3 of a Peep and spit that out, too. I don't really know how to add those calories. I spent the next couple of hours unable to think about anything but that fucking cake. I told myself, "Wait an hour and then maybe you can have some." An hour passes and I tell myself to wait again. Repeat, repeat ... and I made it to the end of my workday without eating the cake :) It was NOT easy but I am so fucking proud of myself for not screwing up on only the second day of SGD. I thought about switching calorie days around so I could have the cake, but I didn't. Who would have thought that I didn't need to?! Seriously so so so happy. So, we'll say I hit pretty much exactly the 300 calories I was allowed today.

And the scale made me even happier. I waited till the end of my shift (about 3.5 hours after lunch) to weigh myself ................. 145.5!!!!!!!! This is down 1.4 since yesterday and holy shit it's the lowest I've been in YEARS. When I did the first two weeks of ABC back in January, my lowest was 147.

145.5!!!!!!

My reward for not eating that damn cake was the number on the scale. And THAT is the sweetest thing I could ever give to my body :)