true "restricting"

So yesterday was my first weekend day, with a limit of 650. I went to the bar after eating only a banana and had about eight drinks all told, as I expected. This left me without roughly 300 calories for food.

Buuuut then my un-boyfriend picked me up to take pizza and a movie to his house. I tried to only have one slice (and they're the giant, New York style pizzas) of this amazing tomato-basil-feta kind ... soo fucking amazing. Then ... half a slice of plain cheese (ripped off pepperoni) ... then, when he went to the shower, I grabbed another of the veggie slices from the fridge.

Fuck. Honestly, I'm surprised that didn't destroy my stomach. That's the most I've eaten in a long time. Definitely the greasiest, too.

I'm going to try to rationalize at least one slice by saying that I walked to the bar, I played about an hour of ping-pong and had at least an hour of sex. All of that counts for a little bit of exercise!

Today is another 650 day but it's also my baseball team's home opener, which my friend and I will be watching at the bar ... with drinks ... and shelled peanuts. I can pretty much guarantee that's a no. But here's my plan, since the first two days of my weekend are shit, the third shall be for fasting. I need to get some stuff done around the house, so I should be able to keep busy. I'm also gonna try to get some nose candy to suppress my appetite and keep me moving.

I will give myself at least the tiniest pat on the back: Just now, when the un-boyfriend dropped me off, I walked into my apartment thinking, "Well, I'm hungry and I already fucked up. I should eat whatever I want since it's already ruined." I think that is the hardest voice to fight. It's not the voice that first tells you to take a bite ... it's the voice that tries to convince you that any amount of eating is a mess-up, and because you already ruined today's progress, you might as well give up and give in. But there's a big difference between eating more than I want to/need to/should and bingeing. Just because my day was a failure does NOT mean I should allow it to become a completely embarrassing, disgusting and damaging disaster.

I think that's when I feel the strongest ... when I make the inevitable mistake but don't allow it to control me. I always have the strength to take back control.