accountability

Goddamn I puked the hell out of those little bitch pizzas. Chewed and spit out about one of the four, then immediately hit the toilet. I've found that when I think I'm almost done and put my finger down my throat, I should let some of the vomit stay on my fingers. It sounds disgusting, yeah, but it really helps me get grossed out and puke up more than I thought I could.

I know I shouldn't purge, but I feel like 50 percent less guilty about what I just ate in the past half-hour. My body doesn't feel heavy and gross. My mind knows I fucked up, but my stomach is OK. I think I feel slightly less hungry than I did when I got off work, which means I definitely let some of that get all the way down my gullet, unfortunately.

The thing I am looking forward to about Skinny Girl is the fruit/veggie "freebie" rule. I'm not going to abuse it by any means, but I like the idea of waking up to a nice salad with the dressing of my choice (because that'll be all I count) and a big bowl of grapes. I know I said I'd "restart" tomorrow, but I'm just gonna roll with it. Compared to ABC, this diet will be easier to keep up (now that I've gotten the early denial stage out of the way). 400, then 300, then 400 again? Damn that sounds like heaven right there.

Of course, it'd be a lot easier to get through if I had a buddy. I am too nervous to seek one out though. Like, I'm too old to be doing this (28) or my weight is too high or too low to match up to someone else. As much as this blog helps, I need to be accountable to someone other than myself if I really want to make this work.