saddle up

Well, the past month has just had too much going on that I fell again.

I weighed myself today and I'm at 153.6 after eating lunch. Ugh. I mean, it's still not as bad as it was before I started ABC, but I totally just fucked myself over after a lot of hard work.

Trying to get back on track now. I figured ABC was a little too hardcore for a gal of my size, so I'm going with Skinny Girl. Day one was going so well ... had some Reddi egg whites for breakfast (which I found absolutely disgusting so I didn't eat much of that), a rice cake, then I split a Luna bar (190) in half and had one on each 15-minute break. 100-calorie popcorn for lunch. And of course a bunch of sugar-free gum mixed in there.

Great, right? Well, that was until I went to the store after work. I made it through aisles and aisles of cookies and chocolate and chips and ignored it all ... I made it all the way to the checkout and saw the mini Cadbury creme eggs. I didn't even allow myself to think about it. My brain yelled, "I WANT!" so I bought them. I then came home and devoured all 12 of them. I spit a few out after chewing and just got done purging as best I could ... it's hard to tell whether you're getting chocolate/filling out when it's pretty liquidy the moment it hits your mouth. But I pushed hard. I know that doesn't make up for it ... but I just had to.

And now I'm cooking up a four-piece 230 calorie pizza tray and plan to purge that as well. Jesus, I didn't even make it through the first day. I was so proud of planning out my whole day and keeping it just below 400, as it should have been. Fucking grocery shopping.

But I didn't buy anything else dangerous. I bought a bunch of those Luna bars because they are amazing at satisfying my chocolate cravings and can be split up through the day.

So I guess I've already failed this attempt. I guess I can "start over" tomorrow. I mean, when you break it down, I didn't go completely off the deep end today ... maybe I needed to ease myself back in. I'm actually still hoping that somehow that scale will give me good news tomorrow.

And I need to fucking start exercising. I enjoy walking, and should start doing it first thing when I wake up. And as soon as the employee gym reopens, I'll hit that after my shift ends at 5am. Shouldn't be too many people there to see my fat ass trying to jog on a machine.

I'm gonna go eat my little pizza things and then do my best to get rid of them. This is not a good cycle right now.