stomach

One other thing to add: The guy I've been smutting around with (we are not in a relationship; basically we run into each other at the bar and have drunken sex occasionally ... have been seeing him a lot more often lately though) is always telling me I'm beautiful. He wants to keep the lights on. He tells me he doesn't know why I'm so weird about my body. He constantly says, "I love your stomach." It's weird though because the way I interpret that is that I have a "cute little belly" or something. My stomach is far from flat. I stay on the bottom to hide that a little better, but things progress and there I am, fat and flabby in front of him. I always feel insecure, no matter how many ways he compliments me. Even if I continue to lose weight, I'm not sure I'll ever lose that feeling. Insecurity doesn't go away just because you lose weight or take medication or whatever. 10 years ago when I was a skinny high-schooler, I was insecure. I mean, I know it's nothing special for a girl to be insecure ... it's fucking rare to find any female who isn't.

Anyway, that's all. I just remembered that whole "stomach" thing and had to share it. He's weird ... and he's super skinny and has amazing muscular arms so I just feel like I'm not worthy to be with him in any way. The only thing that helps me be with him is alcohol. I couldn't do this without it. I'm by no means an alcoholic ... I drink like twice a week ... but that's all I can do to be with him.

OK, gotta get ready for work. Ugh.