stalemate

It's been a weird few days. I succumbed to pizza after getting drunk on Thursday ... ate a small amount of leftovers on Friday ... Saturday I don't really remember what I did. Sunday was St. Patrick's Day and I drank all day but didn't eat anything. Played a lot of ping-pong on Thursday and Sunday. Had a lot of sex Thursday and Friday. Checked my weight at work yesterday and I still managed to lose a few pounds.

Ate only a cupcake and a brownie bite yesterday.

Just ate a Subway sandwich because I woke up feeling weak and shaky. It's kind of nice that those sandwiches are not insanely calorie-heavy but are super filling. Won't be eating anything else today. Not gonna weigh myself till the end of my workday because this sandwich is sitting like a log in my stomach. Should be getting my period any hour now, so I'm certainly bloated as well.

So my weight yesterday was 148.5 ... not bad considering I wasn't exactly disciplined this weekend.

Even though I fell off the wagon for a week or two or whatever that was, I'm already nearing the lowest weight I had during those couple of weeks of ABC back in January. I'm pretty sure my low was 147. I was worried when I started back up that I probably put it all back on, but honestly it turned out to not be so bad. Not really sure how the hell that worked.

I decided to put the Skinny Girl diet off for a couple of weeks because I'll be going home twice. My parents always take me out to dinner and I always eat like shit, but I'm gonna work hard to reign it in. I don't know if it's just the grumpiness of PMS but the past few days I just haven't given a shit about food. I didn't really care today, but like I said, I was feeling physically weak and I do have a 10-hour workday ahead of me. Actually kind of hoping it'll be busy so I'll move around a lot. I work at a desk, but there are lots of spurts of fast walking and this and that.

I think part of the reason I was so shaky when I woke up is because I didn't take any Xanax yesterday. My body is used to at least two per day, but I'm running low so I'm trying to chill out in case there are times I really really need it. I didn't sleep much ... but I couldn't get myself out of bed. I've been feeling really depressed recently and it's not just the PMS. The desire to quit my bipolar meds is getting stronger and stronger every week ... I just don't want to do it anymore. I am dead inside. And I'm convinced that I'm not actually crazy. And if I am, well, that's me. I'm sick of being some ghost of myself.

I just want to torture myself.